Today I finally got the courage to tell the truth. I told the unspeakable secret,to my boss and a co-worker why I've been missing so much work lateley. I told them I was going through depression and anxiety attacks lateley. I told them it was due to severe childhood abuse. Physical,emotional and yes sexual abuse. I didn't tell them every detail but now they know They were very supportive and understanding my Boss said she was worried about me latelty and was glad I told her. She shared some of her own struggles and said she hopes to see me back soon.
I am so tired of hidding it takes to much energy to pretend everything is o.k all the time pretending Im happy and so in control. Its terrifing to think What will they think of me, will I be less of a man, will they think I'm weird, will they think im less than human, or gay (even though Im married) or who knows what? I'm finally to the point where I had to say f**ck it this is me take it or leave it, to damn bad if you dont understand. I cant expect everyone to understand. I was sexually abused by my stepfather from age 3-14 had a venerial desease at about 7, I can still remember the burning pain. I was beat up by bullies who saw me as weak and scared (which I was, scared off my ass) who wouldn't be? I was being violated and used as his sexual toy it was a living hell. So I guess I'm entitled to be a little depressed at times,. I'm sick of worring about what others will think of me all the time. This is my reality and I'm finally ready to deal with it. More honestly than ever before. I was a victim, now I'm a survivor and thats life in my world. I still love my wife and kids, I make sure their safe and secure. Yes I will have some ups and down but over all I will be ok. I told the truth and the truth has set me free, I do feel so much more free, I dont have to make up excuses or lies or pretend that life is purfect because it's not, at least not mine. This is part of my life, this is my reality, an I will survive whith Gods help. I have been in thearapy, groups and counseling and it has all helped,and today I finally had the ba**s to admitt that I am not superman and I have flaws and weaknesses. And its ok.
Thanks for being their guys,