I could have written much of what you just expressed before I met my then-T, J.
Holding everything in, making everyone think everything was ok, when in fact, I was not ok.
When I started therapy and the "work" started, I had never been so terrified in my life.
And I would do ANYTHING not to shed a tear.
But I was working against myself. Not knowing I was doing that, and certainly not doing it consciously, but the effect was the same.
So, let it out.
If you want to break things (and I LOVED to break things) do it constructively -- chop wood, gather recyclables and throw them in the appropriate recepticals. Go to the river and thow rocks. You might want to go to the batting cage and swing a bat a few hundred times, or beat the hell out of littl golf balls.
Hug your pillow and cry until it is soggy. Don't worry, it will dry.
Go for walks, or runs. And if you have a four-legged friend, take him or her along.
Also, call T when you feel like you are losing grip of the thinnest shred of the rope onto which you are holding. Taht is hwy T is there. You are allowed to call between sessions.
Of course, come here. Not just in the forums, but also into chat. We might not have answers, but it's better than being alone with your pain.
(((((( Letourski ))))))
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.