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#396128 - 05/05/12 04:26 AM I Can't Hold It In
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
I have to say it. I can't hold it in. All of these feelings are just swirling inside me now. I am tired of these thoughts and feelings. I am tired of trying to manage relationships with others. I have random sexual thoughts about men and women that don't quit. I sexualize everyone around me. I don't know what attraction feels like. I don't know what healthy sexuality looks like. I have read so much information on sexuality, mental disorders, and recovery literature I have no idea where my feelings are in all of this. I hate it.

I am in therapy working it out, but it's arduous and the anxiety kills me at times. I feel like shit. I struggle to stay asleep. I just want to turn everything into anger, and break something. I feel so far beyond fucked up. I struggle with my sexuality, but people tell me it's a symptom and and not the core issue. I peer into the past and all I feel is pain and tears. Do I allow the tears to flow through me? I am at a loss right now. I am inundated with thoughts, and they just won't quit. Maybe sleep will help.
I am the warrior.

#396158 - 05/05/12 06:13 AM Re: I Can't Hold It In [Re: Letourski]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
It's good to cry, don't be afraid to let the emotions out. I spent a long time trying to keep them in.

#396161 - 05/05/12 06:39 AM Re: I Can't Hold It In [Re: Letourski]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3843
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Letourski,
please be gentle to yourself. I'm sometimes just like you too much in reading and forcing myself to search for some answers. I'm learning that there has to be some pace and balance, otherwise I'm doing some hurt to myself in all this.
Sleep is very important for our emotions and nervous system, so try to sleep regularly.
And as Chambers said it is good to let those feelings out...
My story

#396198 - 05/05/12 03:48 PM Re: I Can't Hold It In [Re: Letourski]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
Be kind to yourself, as you acknowledge the pain and turmoil you're in.

What kind of support do you have besides therapy and this forum? Hopefully, you're reaching out to fellow survivors and people in recovery, looking for the connections that we need in order to heal.

My support system became Alanon (because alcoholism and drug addiction are also rampant in my family). Alanon is what brought me to, and alanon is the program that helped me to learn to see myself with compassion and understanding, and alanon is teaching me how to take responsibility for my recovery and actually heal. And it's given me a lot of compassionate people that I can talk to on an almost daily basis and receive love.


#396208 - 05/05/12 05:45 PM Re: I Can't Hold It In [Re: Letourski]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2089
Hi Letourski,

I could have written much of what you just expressed before I met my then-T, J.

Holding everything in, making everyone think everything was ok, when in fact, I was not ok.

When I started therapy and the "work" started, I had never been so terrified in my life.

And I would do ANYTHING not to shed a tear.

But I was working against myself. Not knowing I was doing that, and certainly not doing it consciously, but the effect was the same.

So, let it out.



If you want to break things (and I LOVED to break things) do it constructively -- chop wood, gather recyclables and throw them in the appropriate recepticals. Go to the river and thow rocks. You might want to go to the batting cage and swing a bat a few hundred times, or beat the hell out of littl golf balls.

Hug your pillow and cry until it is soggy. Don't worry, it will dry.

Go for walks, or runs. And if you have a four-legged friend, take him or her along.

Also, call T when you feel like you are losing grip of the thinnest shred of the rope onto which you are holding. Taht is hwy T is there. You are allowed to call between sessions.

Of course, come here. Not just in the forums, but also into chat. We might not have answers, but it's better than being alone with your pain.

We understand.

(((((( Letourski ))))))

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#396244 - 05/06/12 02:58 AM * [Re: Letourski]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 06:02 PM)


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