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#395618 - 04/30/12 03:59 PM New Experience Along the Healing Journey

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3676
Yesterday I was at the Race to End the Silence (an 8K and 5K run)--in support of Stop CSA Org in Washington DC. It was a different setting for me and I must admit I was apprehensive at first. I have been in more controlled environments when I am discussing my CSA--therapist, support groups, here and small group of caring supporters. But yesterday I was in a public area--I had thoughts of who I would see, would anyone know me and how would I react when asked survivor or supporter. I had volunteered to help at the event, but had second thoughts as I approached. I approached with trepidation. Head was down as I moved toward the area for which I was to assist. The number of volunteers was overwhelming--so little for anyone to do. It allowed me to talk-I talked to supporters, spouses, children and friends of survivors, and survivors. The first time I was asked what brought me here-I froze but the words slowly came out--I am a survivor. Some gave me a hug, others a handshake or just a smile, others asked how I was doing. As I talked to people I was able to say I was a survivor and no one made me feel uncomfortable. I heard people say they were here to honor someone who had been lost to CSA--a brother, sister, father, mother or friend--others had regrets that they had not been there when the survivor was alive. Others were always with the survivor. I did not have the shame or fear of being hurt or attacked-which ran through my mind.

I did not regress nor did it scare me to become more involved in trying to help others who have sadly been victimized by CSA. I feel this public admission has helped me greatly and the prior nights lost sleep due to fear was unwarranted--but I did not know. Did I see anyone I knew, yes a few face acquaintances from work situations. I talked to two of them, one was there for his father who was a victim and took his own life and the other a victim himself. I guess you never know who the one in six will be in the room.

Now where do I go next on this journey to healing? I know I want to continue to heal and will like to help others. For some many helped me to heal and accept the CSA.

#395622 - 04/30/12 04:20 PM Re: New Experience Along the Healing Journey [Re: KMCINVA]
Gmone Offline

Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 23
Loc: NC
VERY well put. I know you described exactly how so many of us would also feel.

You are VERY brave! It took tremendous courage to publicly acknowledge that you are a survivor! This single step must have moved you light-years ahead in your recovery.

Thank you for your courage. I hope to some day emulate you.
Working hard towards change. first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!

#395639 - 04/30/12 09:11 PM Re: New Experience Along the Healing Journey [Re: KMCINVA]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador

I'm presently trying to get the courage to start a support group up here. There apparently is one but I've heard that their wait list is very long.

I did manage to go see a representative with our provincial Department of Health a few months ago and am now doing up a letter to see if there is anything new comming up.

I can only admire you for what you done going out in the public like you did. I can only imagine what you went through waiting to see what would happen. Very Well Done
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#395682 - 05/01/12 05:22 AM Re: New Experience Along the Healing Journey [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4158
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio

KMC - you ROCK, man!!!

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#395973 - 05/03/12 05:40 PM Re: New Experience Along the Healing Journey [Re: KMCINVA]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3676
Thanks everyone. I must say I feel better and freer. I must admit the days prior to going to the event I was nervous--questioning why did I volunteer, who would be there, how would I explain why I was there. As I walked to the site, I had thoughts of turning around. For me it was a challenge and in the end I believe it helped me to better accept everything that happened, I could talk to people and say survivor. I never thought I would be able to do it. My T today believes it is a turning point for me--to be able to talk about it outside a structured environment--but he also said I have been moving on this path to talk about the abuse--first when I opened up with him, joining SNAP and talking about it there, joining MS and writing and having your support and the second support group I joined several months ago--he believes it was just a progression. I have to thank everyone here-because you are a big part of making me feel safe and understanding what I, like you, have gone through and continue to experience.

After the way my T described it today--healing is truly a journey--ups and downs--and learning who you are and most importantly you have no shame or guilt for the abuse--it is the abusers shame and not yours.

#396006 - 05/03/12 11:07 PM Re: New Experience Along the Healing Journey [Re: KMCINVA]
RollerCoaster Offline

Registered: 10/23/11
Posts: 47
Loc: PA, USA

I am really really proud of you man. You deserve to feel the joy and freedom you have in right now. Many thanks for sharing your experience!!


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