Newest Members
mmm coffee, Calibre09, FallGuy2154, Whoamitoday, Joe4618
13527 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Broken1968 (49), frankC (64), Free to be Me (63), ivor1986 (31), ivor_1987 (31), osujtp (2017), SeanTennessee (38), Shields (40), tresheridas (76)
Who's Online
5 registered (betrayed boy, usmc97, iaccus, 2 invisible), 64 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,527 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,362 Topics
491,366 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#395420 - 04/29/12 09:25 AM Hi
lynnemarie Offline

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
I'm a female partner of a CSA victim/survivour? I can't say for sure which as he is in denial mode at the moment. I have recently ended things as it was getting impossible and I was hurting him. We had been together for 18 Mths. He told me of his abuse a year ago, all in one session in detail(by text) and then has never mentioned it again. I understand that it must have been extremely hard for him to tell me what happened. He told me that it has made him the way he is. Our relationship has been very difficult. He has very low self esteem and major trust issues. I have tried to be understanding but my patience has been wearing thin. He won't talk to me about anything, what he wants, how he feels and I want him to so badly.I'm supposed to understand and accept his behaviour because of the things that have happened to him, but I can't if he won't talk. It has all been getting to much for me and I feel I'm to emotional unstable to be any good to him. But I've hurt him and don't want to. I don't understand what is going on for him.
I'm sorry, not sure why I'm here, just want a better understanding.

Edited by lynnemarie (04/29/12 10:39 AM)
Edit Reason: Not enough detail

#395425 - 04/29/12 11:37 AM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Hi Lynnemarie,

You are clearly in pain from that bus that just ran you over. Quite understandable. And one prepared you for this sort of thing, so please don't beat yourself up too badly over what's happened to date.

I'm impressed that you want to help him. Its not anything near a cake-walk to deal with survivors in crisis, but if you truly do care about him and his well-being, you'll want to learn much, find ample Q&A information and stand-by him.

As I see it, you are not married to him, and thus have no commitment to stick it out. But any support for him and of him is fully admirable. You can also be a supporter with or without a serious relationship.


First, he is likely communicating the very best he can. Texting you was the best he could muster.
He won't talk to me about anything, what he wants, how he feels and I want him to so badly.
Remember the Man are from Mars and Women are from Venus dynamic. Men are rarely the talkers you want us to be. Talking about CSA is even less likely to happen. Its nothing short of astounding that he told you the way he did. He does trust you. He just had to tell you using that particular texting method. And yes, you want him to talk more about it, but consider it his own holocaust. And holocaust survivors talk about 'it' with great difficulty and horrid pain.

There is so much to all of this to learn. But you have to realize that you cannot drag him out into the 'talking circle.'

At this point, I would assess whether or not you want to do this, and if you do, take things slowly and at his pace. If you do take this on, realize that you are both dealing with a box-full of active and sleeping rattlesnakes.

I would suggest you do plenty of reading here, web-articles and certainly take a good look in our bookstore. Find one book that speaks to you and read it before you make any final, commitment decision. LINK Here

#395433 - 04/29/12 12:53 PM Re: Hi [Re: Still]
lynnemarie Offline

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi Rob
Thanks so much for your reply. I have been coming to this site for about 3 months now to try and gain abit more understanding. I did join another forum but it was all getting a bit to negative ( I understand people mostly post on forums when they are in pain) people telling me he would cheat on me sooner or later etc. I have read some but there isn't much about abuse against males (I'm in the UK) and absolutely nothing about female abusers. After he first told me, he did open up abit more, telling me of his fantasies, but something happened and he stopped, I don't know what it was. He has no confidence and believes no one loves or cares about him. He has always used texting as his way of expressing himself, he can't seem to do it face to face, kind of makes sense.
I know he is having issues with someone who is texting him abuse but won't give me anymore detail and has been withdrawing from me for a couple of months now.
I understand that anymore talk of what happened has to come from him I don't ask anything unless he says something. But the not talking about other things that are upsetting him is what I have been struggling to understand. He wants something from me but have absolutely no idea what it is, it's all guess work. It's brought me to this point now.
No we are not married, he told me pretty early on in our relationship what happened, I knew it wouldn't be easy but was probably still deluding myself to how difficult things could be.

#395475 - 04/29/12 05:05 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
It sounds like a very hard situation for you both. frown The trust issues, lack of communication, withdrawing all sound very familiar, and painful.

A male survivor brings special gifts to a relationship and can be an amazing partner when on the active path to healing. But functioning in any type of intimate relationship as a survivor is an advanced skill, it's like skiing the black diamond run, there's lots of tumbling down the bunny slopes that happens first.

As much as you want to help, he has to be able to let it in. Unfortunately his readiness has its own timeline that is impossible to control, even for the survivor himself.

It sounds like you've needed to detach for your own health and sanity, and taking care of yourself is absolutely the right thing to do. You can continue to care and support him from a safe distance that reduces the conflict and harm to each other. It sounds like a loving and healthy way forward to me.

Its similar to the situation my survivor and I are in. We care for each other deeply but we couldn't be in a romantic relationship. As friends he feels safer opening up and it brings up less of his female abuser stuff. And I feel saner and better able to "let go."

Love has many forms and is a powerful healing force, whether or not you are "together" in that sense.

#395479 - 04/29/12 05:38 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2132
Hi Lynnemarie,

Welcome to MS.

Some of what I am going to say is going to be a repeat of what Rob has said.

I know you desperately want to help your partner. No one wants to see a person they love in pain.

However, you cannot make him talk about that which is so very painful to him. It is rude and disrespectful to want the details of what happened to him. He has to be free to share, or withhold, anything he chooses. Demanding details of what happened is tantamount to being a voyeur to many survivors.

Your partner told you he was abused. Regardless of how he told you, it was a HUGE expression of trust that he did tell you. Trust does no come easy, if at all. Consider his telling you a gift - he has trusted you with the most painful part of his existence. He has trusted you with with something he has probably never told anohter human being.

The best way for you to help him is to help yourself. Whether or not you get back together, I suggest you find a therapist trained in trauma and/or sexual abuse. You do not want a therapist who does couples counseling. You need to heal from your partners' abusive past and his behavior as much as he needs to heal from his abusive past. It would also be advisable to read some of the books that are written for the partners of sexually abused males. I am certain that those who post in this forum will be more than happy to share the titles of the books they found helpful. You can find the link to the bookstore on the homepage here.

Ideally, your partner should also have a therapist trained in trauma and/ or sexual abuse - but not *your* therapist.

You may want to leave the name and web address of this site on a piece of paper for your beloved. Do not ask him if he has visited the site or if he has created an account, to do so is a violation of his privacy. Sometimes it takes people a long time before they join the site. Some will read without ever joining, and some find what is here to be too triggering. If he tells you he has joined, congratulate him for taking a very big step. Do NOT as him for his screen name.

Sexual abuse incorporated a plethora of violations, and one of the things repeatedly violated were boundaries. The abuser took what was wanted, either by force, manipulation, emotional abuse, etc. The survivor had no control over any of this, nor did he have control over his own body. Having control of body and mind ripped from one is not only terrifying, it sends the message that control of the body can be taken at any time. The cries and screams of "no" meant nothing. The boundaries were violated to the point where one might feel they don't have the right to have boundaries. Others feel "what's the point? They are only going to be ignored and violated anyway."

Sexual abuse affects all aspects of a person's life. It damages self esteem, creates depression, anxiety, PTSD and many other emotional problems. Many who have been sexually abused try to numb the pain anyway they can. Some will use alcohol or other substances, some have food issues, others will exercise or work endless hours, others turn to pornography, compulsive masturbation, and other forms of sex (ie: affairs or prostitutes). We all develop coping mechanisms, though not all of them are healhty.

There is a lot you can learn about sexual abuse and the trauma it creates. This site is a good place to start, as are the many books.

Ask questions. Questions that are phrased for educational/ information gathering rather than those that seem voyeuristic will receive many positive replies.

I hope you can encourage this very strong and brave man to seek the help he so richly deserves.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#395484 - 04/29/12 06:07 PM Re: Hi [Re: mmfan]
lynnemarie Offline

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Thank you very much mmfan, it reassures me that I am doing the right thing for both of us at the moment. I hope I can support him from a distant. He is a beautiful person and will always have a place in my heart.

#395486 - 04/29/12 06:25 PM Re: Hi [Re: Anomalous]
lynnemarie Offline

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi Anomalous
I have never asked for details of what happened to him, he gave that up freely and I do consider it a special gift that he trusted me enough and felt safe enough to do so. He has always done so by text because maybe that is a safe enviroment for him. Most of our relationship is done by text.
I know he has read some things and visited forums but I'm not sure which. Another twist in our tale is that he keeps me secret from his friends and family, he keeps me secret from his life it makes things more difficult as far as communicating is concerned and my own mental well being.
I know at the moment he won't consider help, it happened so long ago, i think he has the feeling he should be over it by now but he is not.

#395492 - 04/29/12 08:49 PM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi lynnemarie,

I completely understand your friend using text message; the only way I could tell some of my family by using E-mail. Because he trusted you enough to tell you by text message, maybe you could try corresponding with him by text messages regarding the abuse. That way, he doesn't have to fear your reaction.

Right now, his mind is a turmoil of many different things. He's probably afraid of what you think of him, shame,fear, embarrassment and many other feelings.

As is often mentioned many times, you have to look after yourself before you can look after him - eat properly, exercise even if just going for a walk in the evening, "all by myself" time, time for friend, etc. Finally, he is in for a bumpier ride than you could ever imagine. Before you decide one way or the other, it may be a good idea to talk to a counsellor about this. Good luck.

I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#395780 - 05/02/12 06:03 AM Re: Hi [Re: Sailor John]
lynnemarie Offline

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi John
I understand his use of text and why he would communicate in that way, it's easier and safer and he can end the conversation when things get to much. I tried to talk to him about what happened but it got to much for him and he said he regretted telling me. I haven't tried since. That was about 9/10 months ago.
Every once in a while he will say things or text me jokes and there is a very subtle hidden message in there and I've got to be honest 99 times out of 100 i miss it. It's all a learning curve, probably just as much for him also. The last month or so he hasn't even been doing that so I know something is eating away at him.
I know it will get much worse before it gets better if it gets better at all.

#396102 - 05/05/12 12:34 AM Re: Hi [Re: lynnemarie]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Most of our relationship is done by text.
I know he has read some things and visited forums but I'm not sure which. Another twist in our tale is that he keeps me secret from his friends and family, he keeps me secret from his life it makes things more difficult as far as communicating is concerned and my own mental well being.

Hi Lynnemarie (pretty name!)-

Are you saying that you have been in an 18-month relationship with a man who prefers to text over face-to-face communication with you? I completely understand being more comfortable typing/writing out things that are difficult to say, like former abuse, but you said most of your relationship is done by text? Also, you are kept hidden from his life???

Am I misunderstanding the situation???


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Page 1 of 2 1 2 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.