I know just how you feel and exactly what you mean. My childhood was also very abusive and invalidating; constant criticism. There was no such thing as love - it was a foreign concept to me. Mothers didn't nurture or consul or protect. Instead, they abandoned! I quickly learned that foster homes were no better - one strike and you were out! That was my "normal".
Like you, I had no one to mentor me; it was all I knew so I bought into it. When I was molested, although I was confused and frightened, I also craved the attention! It isn't any wonder, the times I wasn't chosen I was jealous.
It wasn't until my first daughter was born and I felt true, unconditional Love that I realized it had all been a lie! Love was natural; hate had to be worked at.
My world would never be the same. I was able to love, nurture and raise two wonderful, wholly functional human beings, but I was a total mess!
For the past twenty-one years I have suffered depression, self-abuse, two hospitalizations and too many "professionals" that just didn't want to hear about CSA.
Now I have a wonderful T that listened and helped me identify the CSA for what it was. I am trying hard to beat this "rap"!
So, it's not unusual to be ignorant. How could we have known any better? We were innocent children raised by wolves! We have to learn to stop beating ourselves up. It wasn't our fault!
Working hard towards change. There...my first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!