i feel like i am loosing control though as i try to gain control ya know?..
yes- how well i know - it's always difficult to deal with change - even totally good change causes all kinds of re-adjustments and previously un-required flexibility and uncertainty. And when the change means lauching out into unknown waters... it's even more scary.
the important thing right now is for you to find a place of safety and have the time and space to start healing - even resting and recovering from all the trauma and drama is a form of healing. the fact that YOU are the one making the decisions and bringing about the change means you have a degree of control. you'll never be able to control every circumstance or situation anyway.
i wish you all the best, and keep us in the loop on your progress!
P.S. I read parts of your story to my wife and whe was very moved. She said - "don't you wish you could have them come and live with us?" i love that! no way it could happen - we don't even live in the U.S. but i want you to know that there are those who will open their hearts to you... just praying that you cross paths with the right and safe ones!