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#394229 - 04/20/12 03:43 PM Am I in denial? *possible triggers*
Crusoe Offline

Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Dubai

I am new to this site. I was guided here by my wife for many reasons I won't go into at this point. I have read some of the discussions and feel truly in awe of all of you for identifying and confronting these very personal and traumatic events within your lives. Also for looking towards helping yourselves to resolve the present issues in your lives.

To be frank I am looking for some advise.

I have a lot of problems that are reported here but I have no memory of specific child abuse.

I don't want to go into all the details but I have difficulty with honesty when it comes to those closest to me (Wife). I have had long standing pornography addiction and masterbation addiction. I have no real friends. I tend to isolate myself and have constantly pushed my wife away emotionally.

I have been seeking help for sex addiction but a few questions about my childhood have started to crop up between my wife and I that she feels are pretty unhealthy. I started looking into Emotional Incest but this doesn't quite fit my problems.

I don't remember large parts of my childhood. Is it possible to have forgotten significant events in Childhood that could explain current issues? Has anybody experienced similar problems?

I am very wary of looking for problems that aren't there, but I am feeling very desperate for some answers about myself. I have not been very courageous in helping myself or facing my problems up until now.

Any advise would be welcome.

Edited by Crusoe (04/23/12 09:21 AM)

#394233 - 04/20/12 04:18 PM Re: Am I in denial? [Re: Crusoe]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2184
Hi Crusoe,

Welcome to MS.

I am sorry that you need to be here, but I am happy that you have found us.

Even though you may not have specific memories, I think you know the answer to the questions you ask. For the moment, who, when and how often aren't as important as "did it happen?"

You are not looking for "problems that are not there." You are looking for reasons and explanations for the behaviors you use to numb the pain (pornography, masturbation).

It is very possible to not have memories for parts of your life that were traumatic. It is the mind's way of protecting itself.

Isolating yourself, keeping people at bay and being less than honest are also protective mechanisms. If you don't let people get close, they can not hurt you. Again, the underlying question is why you won't let people get close. Again, by virtue of you seeking out this site, I think you already know.

As you can see, you are definitely not alone. There are almost 9,900 guys here who are stuggling with these issues, and we are the ones who have found this site. There are millions more in need of support like this site has to offer.

If you are not in therapy I strongly suggest you do so. You want a therapist who is trained to work with trauma. If they also specialize in working with sexual abuse, that is even better. Here is the link to A Consumers Guide To Therapist Shopping. Not all of those questions might be relevant for you, but it is a good guide to use to interview potential therapists. Having such a list also takes some of the anxiety and fear out of making "first contact." Picking up the phone to call a therapist can be very scarey.

There are many books which you may find helpful. Some of the popular titles are:

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Abuse by Mic Hunter, and

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew.

Those, and many other titles can be found on the bookstore link here. Many here will be willing to share with you the books they found to be most helpful.

Please do not say you have not been courageous until now. I know you may not be feeling very good about yourself, but you are not lacking in courage.

It took courage and strength to endure and survive that which is so traumtic it robbed your memories. And it certainly takes a lot of courage to discuss this with another (your wife). Many who come to this site never create an account because they are too afraid.

No, our new friend, you are not lacking in courage.

I know you are desperate for answers but I would like to caution you to exercise restraint in reading here. One the one hand, it is a relief to find out one is not alone or "crazy." On the other hand, the drive to want to read all that one can read can be disconcerting and even traumatizing. Go slowly. You don't want to inadvertanly harm yourself.

As you are familiarizing yourself with the site, you may want to mosey into the lounge (chat room). It is always open even though it might not always be occupied. Of course, the coffee is always flowing. Stop in for "real-time" support or just to talk.

Again, welcome to MS.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#394237 - 04/20/12 04:33 PM Re: Am I in denial? [Re: Crusoe]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Crusoe.

Welcome to the site. I read your story and it is like I am reading my own.
I also had and still do have a great chunk of my childhood missing, and it is only through reading stories posted by other survivors that I am starting to remember incidents in my life.

Worst one was when I remembered that my mother used to abuse me in the bath. It was a bit of a shocker.
Just relax and read, from the sounds of it, you may be a survivor, but this reality only you can find.

Heal well brother.
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#394263 - 04/20/12 11:05 PM . [Re: Crusoe]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (01/13/13 03:52 AM)

#394274 - 04/20/12 11:52 PM Re: Am I in denial? [Re: Crusoe]
traveler Online   confused

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4254
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Crusoe -

Welcome! you've come to the right place. lots of discussion here about the very topics you mentioned. you can do a topic search and find many threads that will give you lots of other guys' stories, experiences, ideas, etc on whatever you want. and also look up the posts of specific names that have said they have dealt with those topics. no time now to be more in-depth - but a couple of names above (and mine) might get you started...

and you can also PM - Private Message someone whose post you want to respond to if you don't feel comfortable making it public.

hope this helps. it takes a while to explore all the features of this site. take it easy and don't over-stress yourself. that's what i did the first time and it took me years to get back here again!

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#394572 - 04/23/12 10:32 AM Re: Am I in denial? [Re: Crusoe]
Crusoe Offline

Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Dubai

Thank you all for your replies.

Anomalous, I guess I wasn't very clear. I have no memories at all of sexual abuse. However I am suffering the same symptoms of many survivors. I say I am not courageous because it has always been my wife pressurising me to get help and finding all the information including this site. I have made it a very painful process for her and done nothing but rebel. I appreciate your kind words but feel like a fake, because I don't have any knowledge of why I am the way I am.

I am very wary about creating an issue that might not be there. I guess I don't want to blame anybody else for my problems. Unfortunatley I have blamed my wife for a lot of my issues and never really taken responsibility for my own actions.

Maybe I am trying to protect my family, but I have no solid memories to understand my problems. I have a couple of instances of odd behaviour by my Mother and my Sister, but I am not sure how old I was. I know my Mother asked me one day if I was receiving sex education; from memory she was in the bath at the time and I was brushing my teeth. Since I only received sex education when I was 11years old the obvious question is should an 11year old be allowed into the bathroom to clean his teeth while his Mother is taking a bath. Also why choose that moment to pose the question. It left me feeling very awkward. (Not much I know but it has started quite a debate here that has led me to question quite a few 'normals')

I don't have clear memories now and can't answer certain questions which is very frustrating but I believe that it was common for me to be in the bathroom at the same time as my Mother. I used to use the bath water after her. I have another memory of my mother pointing at my genitals and asking what the line running underneath was? I said it had always been there! I was old enough to feel awkward and self conscious by the question. I remember thinking maybe there was something wrong with my penis and rationalising that she must have seen it when I was younger or why doesn't dad have the same line under his? The question is what was my mother doing there straring at my privates?

Another instance involves my Sister, three years older, coming into the bathroom when I was bathing with my two cousins (My cousins were boys of the same age as me). I don't know how old we were but I must have been pretty young. I have a vague memory of my Sister entering the bathroom with somebody else (I can't remember who else but think it was a friend). They came over to the bath and pointed out that one of us had an erection. Questions then arose as to how did we do that? I vaguely remember that we were keen to demonstrate this ability.
My Sister often wanted to sleep in the same room as me when growing up, even to the age of her going to university. She never gave clear answers as to why, it varied from not liking her room at the top of the house, to just liking us sharing the same room or because we were close as Brother and Sister. I will point out that we were in separate beds and I don't recall any inappropriate contact. I have never been touchy feely. As I got older I felt frustrated by this because I wanted my own space and privacy but she would get upset if I argued with her.

The last obviously odd memory I have involves my Mother again. I am not sure how old I was. This memory bugs me the most in terms of timeline. I cannot place how old I was but it is vivid. I was getting ready to go to bed. I had cleaned my teeth and gone to my room. I had pushed the door to and proceeded to undress. Once in my underpants I moved toward my bed to see a face staring back at me. I remember being very shocked - I thought I was on my own in my room - I recognised the face but couldn't comprehend what I was seeing. I collapsed on the floor in the foetal position and screamed the house down. I remember my sister running down the top flight of stairs and I remember it took me a good while to calm down. It was my Mother laying in my bed fully clothed with the covers pulled up to her head. She claimed it was just a joke. I felt like I had reacted so over-the-top and childishly I was left feeling stupid. But it bothered me that she lay there without saying a word while I got undressed thinking I was alone in my room. When I saw her face she was just smiling, she said nothing.

In the present day and for the last nine years my Mother and Sister have been very jealous about my wife. I stupidly went to my family early in our marriage when the first indications of porn addiction came up with my wife. My family were quick to try and turn me against my wife and even suggested I end my marriage. This didn't help me at all. Sadly it is only in the last few years that I have really started to see how unhealthy my family (And I) have been to my wife. My wife has been nothing but nice to all of them.

I am seeing a psychiatrist at present but haven't had great fortune with other therapists up unit now. I just want to find somebody that can help me unravel my problems and straighten me out.

p.s. My problems with masterbation and using objects (fitting myself in bottles) started very young. (Maybe around 11years old) I became prolific and risk taking even in my teenage years.

I have a big problem with sexualising ALL women now - including family members and women of all ages. This bothers me for many reasons but it doesn't allow me to see them as equals. Anybody else feel the same way?

There is no logic to my attitude. My wife feels that I have always been cold with her and felt throughout our relationship that I didn't fancy her or that I was looking for something else. This is always difficult to explain because she is the most beautiful girl you could imagine (I am not just saying this - People comment all the time!)

My understanding now is that it has nothing to do with looks or even personality but about distance and fantasy. I am more comfortable in my own head than in reality. I can only guess that I have thought of some real horrors to try and degrade and humiliate all women for my own gain (control and satisfaction).

Any thoughts?

I just want to show my wife the love and respect that she deserves. I still push her away and even get angry at her if she is upset because I can't cope with the feelings!

All the best


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