Newest Members
UniversalBeing, Squirmish20, Cunobelin, Dean-GMoT, hunterprince
13497 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Abir (44), Avyi (52), cross29min (62), Dartel (53), ernie (73), jggab (45), kev (69)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 45 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,497 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,040 Topics
488,957 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Page 3 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#400410 - 06/14/12 02:13 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline

Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
It feels so alien airing my laundry here but it's the only site where i feel some may understand.
My husband has got an EMDR session booked for the 20th of this month. He has only just admitted to me that his psychiatrist has recommended that I, yes, I point out women in the street , who are dressed like hookers (my hubbies favourites!) and state how beautiful they are and how he must look and get aroused!!!!! This seems like a made up story but i am telling the truth. I am in bits. How on earth can i as a beautiful, respectable woman, encourage my husband to 'perve' when, with his condition, is one of the very things that is destroying us???? Yes maybe he has encouraged the psych to say these things, but come on?? Shouldn't a professional know better??
My husband has told ME he sexualises women in the street. What good will being told to do it and that i should be encouraging him do? Surely this will only fuel his addiction. HELP....

#400411 - 06/14/12 02:17 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline

Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Can someone please explain how this will help my husband's self esteem, never mind my self esteem. I'm angry and hurt. I'm bloody angry and hurt.

#400420 - 06/14/12 03:52 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT? His therapist said that? Are you sure????????? He sounds like a quack or your husband is lying to you. I am sorry if I sound harsh and like a know it all but that is INSANE!

How could a therapist suggest that you objectifying women too would me helpful? Did you hear the therapist say that???????

#400427 - 06/14/12 06:45 PM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA

I have never heard of such a thing. The directive flies in the face of everything I have read AND everything I know to be good, honorable, honest and respectful! This isn't even an exercise two males would be encouraged in, MUCH, MUCH less a husband and wife!

The only thing I have ever read that even comes close to this is that the sexually addicted man who "scans" (looks at women as sexual objects only and uses their image for their own sexual fantasy, masturbation, etc.) is encouraged to catch himself looking at a woman and to immediately focus on her eyes while reminding himself that she is someone's daughter, mother, wife, sister. That she has lost people she's desperately loved. That she has suffered illness. That she is a creation of the same God who created him. It's an exercise designed to move the man from objectifying and into respecting. The exercise you've describe would have the polar opposite effect.

Something's simply not right here. Have you met the counselor? Can you attend a session with your husband? Can you call the counselor for clarification?

Lucy is right: this is INSANE!!!


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#400470 - 06/15/12 04:03 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline

Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Seriously, this is what my husband told me the 'therapist' said. Apparently, my husband is displaying signs of OCD so in order to correct this, he should look "10 times, 20 times, 100 times". As for the compulsive masturbation, if he does it 10 times in a day, the psych said he should do it 20 times a day. I don't get the logic. Isn't it like telling an alcoholic who drinks a bottle of vodka a night, to increase it to two bottles??? I don't understand how this will cure an addiction.
And surely OCD doesn't make your husband have childish anger tantrums and want to get sex with you over as quickly as possible?
I'm not a psychiatrist but with all my husband's behaviours, i don't personally believe that it's OCD. If it is, i totally believe it's come about due to some kind of trauma. Even the other therapist who my husband will be seeing on the 20th has said there are signs of PTSD.
Thank you folks for your care and advice. This site is invaluable!

#400482 - 06/15/12 08:02 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

I read this and I think "this is crap"
It sounds to me that your H is making up stories. It sounds to me that he wants the best of both worlds and that is not going to work. You either heal or you stay the same.
It really sounds like you need to start getting tough and stating what it is that YOU want out of this relationship.
You cannot force him to heal if he does not want to, but you can make your life better.
This all seriously sounds like a load of croc, please don't be gullible and Co-dependent any-more.
Being a survivor does not give that person the right to walk all over the ones that love him, YOU are not a doormat and you deserve better.

Remember there is a huge difference between Sympathy and Empathy, you are allowed to feel empathy but get rid of the sympathy.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#400651 - 06/17/12 05:27 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline

Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Guys, i believe the therapist has indeed said this. I have told my husband that i would like to see this guy and hear it straight from his mouth. My husband hasn't tried to stop me at all.
These forms of advice seem ludicrous i know but if you think that's unbelievable, then you certainly wouldn't believe what the 1st psych said. A crazy Karl Jung fanatic, who said my husband "didn't have a problem", and that he should start lying to me and sleeping around!!!! My husband terminated the sessions, and i went with him for the last one. Yes, the Pig said this in front of me. You can imagine how shocked i was. He said my role as a wife was simply to child bear and rear. Not to have a sexual relationship with my husband! My husband will "naturally" go elsewhere for that...prostitutes, crew at work, anyone. How i wanted to slap that German moron and walk out.
My husband has had a run of bad luck with loonies so i just hope now, that this American guy who specialises in EMDR will help.

#400993 - 06/20/12 10:31 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline

Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
Well, the session today with the psychotherapist went well. I went along.
He basically said all the things i have been so desperately trying to get my husband to see.
He said my husband "is not even here right now, he's somewhere else."
I felt that this guy was spot on with his first impressions.
The psychotherapist said that my husband needs to learn to be in his own body first before tackling any trauma that may have occurred. This sounds logical to me.
I know my husband is very scared now because since the session, he has got very defensive, trying to justify recent past behaviours (e.g. "I was right to view that porn film because i proved i was strong enough not to wank off". I said, " but you were still degrading women, paying their wages and hurting me by viewing it.")
Like the psychotherapist said, my husband is at the very beginning of the very beginning. The guy is quite encouraging of me attending future sessions so we have another one booked for Saturday. Here's hoping this guy is onto something...
Once again, i'd like to thank you all and re iterate just how brave each and every one of you is. Supporters included. Remember this; by speaking out about your abuse, even if only on here, means the perps no longer have power to silence you. YOU HAVE ALREADY WON. xxx

#400999 - 06/20/12 11:20 AM . [Re: LouLou]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (01/13/13 02:55 AM)

#401003 - 06/20/12 11:43 AM Re: Survivor? * Possible Triggers* [Re: LouLou]
LouLou Offline

Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
You're absolutely right but this new therapist is not excusing my husband's behaviour now. He appears to be seeing things the way I do.
The previous two drongos were completely out of order and in my opinion are begging to lose their licences.
I know my husband is not lying because my husband and i even told the new therapist what the shrink in his own clinic said.
Again i must clarify, my husband claims he has no recollection of having been abused. ( He views seeing his mother naked on several occasions in the bath or his being naked in front of his mother during puberty, asking questions about his penis quite normal...Oh yeah and her staring through the gap in the door at me topless once i'd come out of the shower, as just a "lack of privacy problem.")
I'm just trying to give the most accurate account of what i have observed and what i have been told. Maybe my husband has not been abused. He hasn't cheated on me with another women either. However his behaviours ARE extreme and UNHEALTHY. Could this be the by product of simply seeing your mum naked in the bath and vice-versa during puberty?

Page 3 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.