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#393207 - 04/12/12 08:09 PM So, so , sad
rmazik Offline

Registered: 04/12/12
Posts: 9
I have been through an almost three year relationship with a man who is an incest survivor. I have been told repeatedly over that time that I didn't love him, didn't care about his feelings, didn't appreciate his sacrifices (He moved across the country to be with me), how I was cruel, a compassionless bitch etc. My response, because of my own trauma, (no sexual, but lots of emotional abuse), was to withdraw, hide, cry. Yes, it made me angry, but I never expressed that because on the few occasions I objected, it just made it worse. I had gotten very depressed to the point where I hardly spoke to him because anything I said there was a snippy sarcastic reply. After always threatening to move out if I didn't change, he finally did. Besides that I am torn to pieces, I really couldn't have lived that way much longer. He is now nearly suicidal, saying he's sorry, he doesn't belong here, he breaks everything.
My heart hurts so much for him. He attempted suicide last year, convinced I didn't love him and that no one ever would. I know he just wants to end the pain. He had done lots of work in the past on his abuse trauma, and I am just realizing that the abuse and PTSD explains much if not all of his behavior. I doubt he has the energy or desire to hear from me that I think he needs more recovery work. I'm just so heartbroken for both of us, and worried about him too.

#393208 - 04/12/12 08:14 PM Re: So, so , sad [Re: rmazik]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Sorry to hear about you and your husband.

I am a male survivor. In recovery for only 2 years from csa.
I can certainly to relate to his feelings of no one loving him (really) -- wanting to run away - leave the only person who has ever meant anything to him --- depression.

Encourage him to get help - counseling - group - before you take him back. Some tough love is certainly in order.

Also - make him get STD tested before you let him back in the house.

I am so sorry.

#393210 - 04/12/12 08:32 PM Re: So, so , sad [Re: Sobernow]
rmazik Offline

Registered: 04/12/12
Posts: 9
Not sure at this point that he will be able to change enough for me to ever want to live with him again. I saw him last night. He came to get some clothes and things, and he just looks so empty and haunted, and when I tried to talk to him about when he would be getting the rest of his things, he said he didn't care and to just get rid of everything. He doesn't want back. Part of him still blames me. (The stories I could tell). I have children, and one time while at work, I got a text message from him (at home with the kids, because he's disabled) saying, "your children enjoy crushing my soul". Gah! what a drama queen and blaming everyone but himself, until he flips into how worthless he is. (But he still is angry at me, and will never admit or use the word angry) He says he was "frustrated". He is a seething pit of anger. I could suggest he focus on abuse recovery, but don't think he will agree that that's the issue, or even be motivated anyway. He's so depressed he barely eats unless someone brings him food. He has a pattern of finding women who he thinks will love him unconditionally and save him. I was just the latest one, and I was sick enough to believe I could too, so I'm in between feeling angry that I was put in an impossible situation, and that I tried so hard and it was never enough, and sad that I failed him.

Edited by rmazik (04/12/12 08:35 PM)

#393229 - 04/12/12 10:38 PM Re: So, so , sad [Re: rmazik]
eyesforward Offline

Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario

I am very sorry that you're here and that you are having such a difficult time. You feel as if you were put in an impossible situation because you **are** in an impossible situation.

I am dealing with my survivor's recent (February) suicide after many times he told me I'd be better off without him. Between you and me, he was wrong.

Be as kind to him as humanly possible while taking great care yourself and your children. Get help for yourself.

I'll link to a post someone left for me about how to deal productively with someone talking about suicide -- essentially ask questions, listen and don't talk or give advice.

Helping someone who is suicidal

If he has other people he trusts, call them and ask them to support him NOW. Suicidal thoughts need to be taken seriously and it will make more of a difference for everyone if people come together now to support rather than at a funeral to mourn and honor. Harsh words perhaps, but it's a lesson I learned through harsh experience.

Edited by eyesforward (04/12/12 10:51 PM)
Edit Reason: provide link to post by jls

#393244 - 04/13/12 12:46 AM Re: So, so , sad [Re: rmazik]
rmazik Offline

Registered: 04/12/12
Posts: 9

I am so sorry for your loss.

He almost succeeded last February. Was on a respirator, and the hospital called me to get next of kin information. He was stabilized and in the ICU for a couple of days, then in the psych ward for two days. He was sent home with a therapist and Valium. He is not honest with his therapist, as he feels it is the only control he has; the right to ultimately decide whether he lives or dies, and he lives in daily pain and extreme anxiety. He has one friend he's staying with now, but I don't know her. Kindness is not difficult, unless he's in the middle of telling me his miserable life is all my fault. I love him dearly, and have for a very long time. Last night I told him I loved him, and he responded that he wished he could believe that. I told him I loved him, whether he believed it or not. He is such a wonderful person until Mr. Hyde (what I call his trauma personality) shows up and makes everyone miserable.

#393265 - 04/13/12 04:42 AM Re: So, so , sad [Re: rmazik]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi rmazik

I am so sorry about your trauma, And don't forget that you are now also a victim and that you will need some TLC and therapy.

I get the sense that your survivor does not know that he is a survivor. He seems to feel that he is alone out there against the world. He seems to think that he is the only one that was abused by his father.

There needs to be some way that we can get info to him about other survivors. There are online brochures that we can send him. Or send him a link to male survivor on email, or buy him Mike Lew's book leaping of mountains, so he can read about other men that have been abused.

Our main focus here is you though. You have been wounded and you really need to get to see a therapist that could help you with Co Dependency issues. You need to learn that you are a whole lovable person with out him.
A survivors constant attacks can ware you down, and destroy all self love and self confidence.
Please please tell us that you will do this.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#393316 - 04/13/12 03:46 PM Re: So, so , sad [Re: rmazik]
Pie Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Girlfriend

Its tough, really tough to find yourself in this situation. Unfortunatly its a long and sometimes very lonely road we travel, but with lots of strength, selfworth and dignity you can make the journey easier.

Although you will be encouraged to take care of yourself you will find that the stronger you become, there is more resistance from the victim. He won't take kindly to your independance or your inner joy and will try break you down further. I'm telling you this from my own experiance. My husband acted out even more, withdrew from the family and treated me like I was totally worthless. His change only came from himself no matter how much I loved him or guided him, because he was the only person of value in his world.

Never mind how much you love him, you need to take care of YOU and cannot save a drowning man if you don't have the right equipment. Prepare yourself first and while you are doing that think carefully if this is the life that you deserve. It has taken me over 20years to see any improvement.

Love and peace

#393337 - 04/13/12 06:22 PM Re: So, so , sad [Re: eyesforward]
eyesforward Offline

Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Originally Posted By: eyesforward
Be as kind to him as humanly possible while taking great care yourself and your children. Get help for yourself.

Just to clarify: When I wrote about being kind, I mean treat him as decently and kindly as you can. Even if you "hold the line" about him not living with you or suspending the sexual and romantic aspects of the relationship, do your best to communicate as compassionately as you would have when things were going well. This is something you will be doing for yourself really.

Something I'm noticing on an internet forum for people who've lost loved ones to suicide is guilt and regret; people are haunted in an awful way about their angry last words, "tough love" or periods of difficult communications in the months and weeks preceding the death.


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