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#392966 - 04/10/12 01:44 PM Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
What is healthy sexuality and sexual intimacy and how do you get there?

Actually I know what it is, it is just how do you get there?

Anyone have any specific tools they have used?
Any books?
It is kind of pathetic that I have to ask this, but I do.

To me sex has always just been fun and that is the only connection I have felt....mutual silliness. Obviously with my husband being a sex addict he doesn't know either.

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#392969 - 04/10/12 01:54 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: lucylives]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas
Wish I could help, but I'm trying to figure out / learn what a healthy sex life is too.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#392977 - 04/10/12 02:50 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: Obi]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
I think the bulk of the intimacy occurs before the sexual act. The times I've felt close to my husband when we've made love almost always follows a heart to heart discussion w vulnerability on the part of one or both of us. One of the wives suggested in a private conversation some months ago to try making love while maintaining eye contact the entire time. We found that intense and somewhat intimate. I'm not sure that every time has to be soul defining. Silliness has its place too and one of the things I've always enjoyed about sex w my husband. We've always joked and laughed during ( and that can be intimate too!)

Great question Lucy! I can't wait to read others thoughts.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#392980 - 04/10/12 03:22 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: GoodHope]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4197
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
male survivor here...

woah! laughter during sex is a BIG trigger for me.

and i don't really associate intimacy and sex - that's one of the things i lost as a result of CSA.

sex is only physical and has lots of difficult associations. just scary all around.

i've read books but they didn't really help - like they're talking to someone else. doesn't work for me - maybe cuz they are written for more normal people. don't know of any written for messed-up freaks like us...

lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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#392998 - 04/10/12 07:20 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: traveler]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Ditto like Obi there, Im still trying.
A little hard now that I am not staying at home.

One thing that I am finding out now is that It is great to start dating. It is like we are starting again, I am learning to know and understand someone that I have been with for 23 years. We have not had sex yet, and things are harder after my wife's rape 4 months ago, but in an odd way it has put us on level ground.

Before the break up, we tried what one of the wives suggested, the eye contact thing, but the wife felt creeped out. Different strokes I suppose.

When I find the solution, Ill write a book, so watch this space (only joking) I hope that others will come up with ideas as this is one of the last barriers to healing that I have, and the most difficult.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#393014 - 04/10/12 08:55 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: whome]
Esposa Offline
User

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Dating your wife... imagine.

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#393021 - 04/10/12 09:21 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: Esposa]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
It Is Possible you know,

It may have taken me 20 years, but I finally get it. Hehehehe
Its a tough one, but I feel that it is something I could not have succeeded at till I had healed from CSA.
As I say Sex is the "Final Frontier" and possibly the scariest of all. Sometimes I think I would rather face the flashbacks and body memories than have to face intimacy in sex.
Well I have never been scared of a challenge, But I really hope that there are some with AMAZING insight into this topic, helppppp arghhh.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#393027 - 04/10/12 10:51 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: whome]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
To me, intimacy and sex are different things and they can be combined for a great experience. Intimacy for me is love, trust and acceptance. It requires that I be emotionally vulnerable with my partner. I think of the time I disclosed to my love the secret I was most ashamed of, the most afraid that he'd reject me for. His response was beyond what I thought I deserved ... loving, compassionate, understanding and unconditionally accepting.

In the sexual aspect of our relationship, sometimes I was intimate with P and sometimes I wasn't. Sexual intimacy occurred when we both brought love, acceptance and emotional vulnerability to the physical vulnerability inherent to sex.

It might have been a deeply personal conversation before, both of us "getting into" the sensations and expressing it however the thoughts occurred, periods of direct eye contact, laughing together at some indignity of two middle-aged people having sex (sudden back pain, leg cramps), or *asking* the other person to move or touch a particular way. For me it boils down to acknowledging that I'm there with another person, we care about each other, and we're "in it" together, if you know what I mean.

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#393209 - 04/12/12 08:17 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: lucylives]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Google:

Doug Weiss
Intimacy Anorexia

he is the best -- has books - tapes - phone groups
has been on TV

He is in Colorado Springs

Best of Luck

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#393284 - 04/13/12 07:38 AM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: lucylives]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Intimacy is about being known.

If I don't know myself, (i.e. I hide, escape, or avoid aspects of myself or my past) it is difficult if not impossible to let myself be known to someone else. I regularly pile up rationalizations, excuses, fear, resentment, and all sorts of stuff that blocks me from honesty and the truth about myself and my life.

Here is a good definition of intimacy I ran across:

Quote:
Intimacy generally refers to the feeling of being in a close personal association and belonging together. It is a familiar and very close affective connection with another as a result of a bond that is formed through knowledge and experience of the other. Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity. As a verb "intimate" means "to state or make known". The activity of intimating (making known) underpins the meanings of "intimate" when used as a noun and adjective. As a noun, an "intimate" is a person with whom one has a particularly close relationship.


For me, intimacy starts as an inside job. I have to unplug from escaping and distracting behaviors and spend time reviewing, journaling, introspection, and contemplating my life and my story-especially the most unpleasant parts I want to deny but that affected me deeply.

The ancient concept of forty days and forty nights, affirms the value of unplugging for a period of renewal and discovery.

This leads me to deeper understanding and acceptance and KNOWING of myself that is profound and life-changing.

From that place, I feel myself more powerfully, emotionally, psychologicall/spiritually and physically, and I am more integrated and whole - and that leads to real sexual intimacy and joy.

It's hard to do this when I'm carrying around all sorts of unresolved chatter and past trauma and pain.



Edited by Mountainous Buck (04/13/12 07:40 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#393301 - 04/13/12 01:57 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: lucylives]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
This is a very good topic and I truly like what MB said about knowing oneself.

I spent many years going from one sexual encounter to another and could never imagine that I would or could be with one person. I met many good men who offered this but I could not sit still long enough to take it in or appreciate it. I did not see myself as deserving a man like that and did not know what to do with him.

Now I find myself a completely different soul. I do not desire these encounters anymore and sex in and of itself is not appealing. I never thought that I would come to the point of preferring to make love to another and he make love to me rather than sex. I never thought I could be content in simply holding another and being held without necessarily it leading to more. I find myself more excited about those intimate and quiet moments than sex itself.

I think this, for me, has come as a natural evolution from my own recovery work and getting to know myself better. Allowing myself to be transparent and open to another and more honest than I ever thought capable. As I was told recently "you do not have to hide from me".

It does take conscious effort yet I truly think if we work on our recovery issues things like this can actually become a very natural thing for us. At least that is the case in my own life as I move on from from "the chatter" as MB stated above.

I truly wish all well in this important journey to a possible outcome.


Daryl
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#393322 - 04/13/12 04:07 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: lucylives]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Lucylives

For me the most important aspect is acceptance. Of yourself, body soul and mind. Then of your partner. If this is missing, there will be a degree of "with holding".

For many years in my home sex was just that. Sex. (If he came to the bedroom)

Once I could see that he really was changing and treating me with consideration and love, I slowly started to allow myself to be one with him. Now its all about making love and connecting in the most beautiful way possible. Yes we have the crazy fun moments and those are just that.

The most valuable lesson I was taught is to Hold each other first and slowly let your breathing become one. This silly bit of advice flowed into so much more.

Enjoy each other and enjoy making Love.
Pie.

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#393528 - 04/15/12 01:19 PM Re: Healthy sexuality-Survivor input needed too [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Thanks for all the responses. I did buy the ebook intimacy anorexia. Read most of it and then computer crashed. Ugh. Will have to re-purchase it.

Pie, I am gonna try the holding and breathing together thing tonight. It isn't silly at all.

MB, knowing oneself is huge. Getting through the chatter is very helpful.

Thank you all. More exercises would be great. Anyone else have anymore?

The keeping our eyes open definitely helps hubby to stay present and keeps bad thoughts at bay but he says it makes him feel like a freak that he has to do that. Who cares? If it works, it works....I think.

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