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#392300 - 04/05/12 05:03 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: rook]
sherefe Offline

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Hi Rook:

I am not presently in therapy and know that I need to be. My son and I are working on finding the right therapist. Don't want anyone who doesn't understand the issue. Hopefully, the right one will help me to help my son.

Don't know about incest per se--it is inconceivable to me and must be form of insanity--but I do know that any form of sexual abuse is horrible not just in the moment but because of how many people endure lifelong reprecussions. Now, I'd liek to get involved with sexual abuse prevention groups.

#392310 - 04/05/12 05:29 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: traveler]
somaticfilter Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 15
Loc: New York
Dear lee,

I understand, and I'm doing my best to learn to adapt. I think if anything positive did come from this abuse, terrible as it was, it is in fact a deeper compassion for others and an innate understanding of their pain and trauma, whatever the cause. I have always done everything in my power to help those around me, to the exclusion of my own wants and needs. I think perhaps what I took away from your letter to yourself is the realization that I need to learn to have that same compassion and understanding for myself.

I was a victim, not a willing participant in my abuse although i did love and care very deeply for my abuser. I was a child who was manipulated by someone for their own sick gratification. I must admit even now to feeling a strange compassion for my abuser. What terrible trauma or perversion of the mind could lead to such terrible acts.

I hate him, but in a way he still has his claws into me. I can't seem to fully break free of the illusion that he's a human being with a soul and the ability to care and know love. his actions, however, seem to suggest that I'm wrong.

#392321 - 04/05/12 07:09 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: somaticfilter]
rook Offline

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 25

#392350 - 04/05/12 11:58 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: rook]
sherefe Offline

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Dear Rook:

Thanks so much for the link. People on this sigh are amazing--no sooner said than done.

Happy holiday to you and yours

#392352 - 04/06/12 12:03 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: traveler]
sherefe Offline

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
So your mom had a lot on her plate too. No excuse for not reaching out to support you FULLY. Still being a mom doesn't make us any better (or worse) than any other human being. I think most sexual abuse cases involve the three-way conspiracy you describe. And many also involve the fear of losing the "good life" whether that means fear of breaking up a family or fear of how a parent and child can survive on their own. They are understandable fears even if they should never ever take precedence over protection of innocent children. It's interesting how many people say they hid the truth for fear of hurting people they loved. Why aren't we convincing our kids that their health, safety, dignity come first and lose of them is what can truly destroy a parent.

#392473 - 04/06/12 02:19 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
rook Offline

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 25
Your letter to your son was very moving/special to me, TY.

The whole interaction, really, between you two here has been amazing.

I know my mom loves me, has a lot of grief/sadness/guilt and hope one day to be able to talk to her on that level.

I hope you both continue to work through the issues and find some peace together. It's not easy and there will be bumps, but you're both worth it and deserve it.

#392773 - 04/08/12 10:38 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: rook]
sherefe Offline

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Hi Rook:

Hope that this holiday season you were able to spend time with family and/or others who love and support you. My son and I have been through a lot together--sickness, divorce, financial problems--we keep on keeping on! I know that we have a HUGE amount of love for each other and that will help so much. If I can ever be of help to you or your mom in getting to a place where you can have an "amazing interaction," PLEASE do let me know. My life would be so so so much poorer if there were a wall or a space between my son and me.

And all of the people on this "board" deserve peace, happiness and security. A truly outstanding group of people.

#392782 - 04/08/12 11:48 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hello. To the mother sherefe - I am not sure I can be of any help here but, wanted to say bravo to you for posting/asking if there are any mothers on here.

I am embarking on my own journey with my own mother and my journey with her has not been supportive so, I am not sure how else I can be supportive to you.

To the son - somaticfilter - I am happy for you to have a mother who is supportive of you and your process. As a survivor myself, it has been painful to NOT have my own mother support.

I hope and pray for you both to have "resolve" for each of own journeys with the happening in the past. I hope you can each move forward.

aka DJsport

#392901 - 04/10/12 01:09 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: Avery46]
sherefe Offline

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Hello Avery,

I am so sorry to hear that your mother has not been supportive. Upon first hearing my son tell me he had been abused as a child, I don't know that I was supportive. I think I may have had trouble absorbing the news. Don't know if that is your mother's problem, but I do hope that you and she can talk more and get past any obstructions to her support. Hopefully, even without her support, you know that you are a unique individual with many merits; don't let your having been a victim define who you are; don't let your mother define who you are either. Look for all that is good and right in you and be defined by those things. I know you'll find lots of support for that here. Feel free to talk to me anytime you'd like!

All the best

The best to you!

#392917 - 04/10/12 03:01 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
pat8 Offline

Registered: 08/02/11
Posts: 18
I second Sherefe

I know some mothers are abusers themselves. I am referring to those who are not:

“What mothers feel:

Initial Reactions in Mothers

The response of a mother to the disclosure that her child has been sexually abused is different for all mothers. The grief reaction of the mother varies depending on such factors as her relationship with the child, relationship with the perpetrator, available coping skills, level of belief in the disclosure, life stress, and anxiety level. Grief reactions, mourning process, and grief tasks are similar to that of the victim. Responses to the disclosure of sexual abuse include:

Shock. This is a normal human response to unexpected, painful events.

Denial. Denial is also a normal human response that occurs in the short-term following the shock of painful news. However, denial is not healthy if it cannot be overcome fairly quickly.

Acceptance of the reality of the abuse is the only way that the mother can provide support and protection to the child.

Anger. Anger is also a normal human response to shock, pain, and betrayal. However, if not managed, anger can become a destructive force that impedes healthy communication and processing and consumes the energy of the mother. It can either focus the mother on protective action or defocus her from the immediacy of her role. Anger management skills are crucial during recovery from the shock of discovering your child has been sexually abused.

Guilt. Guilt is also a normal maternal response to disclosure of sexual abuse.

Depression. Depression will occur if the pain, sadness, guilt, and other negative emotions are not addressed and managed. Depression is debilitating and will interfere in effective function as a mother.

Fear and anxiety. Fear is the normal response to threat. Anxiety is the normal response to the unknown. Mothers face a life-altering threat with no knowledge of the outcome.

Acceptance. Acceptance is the final stage of a grief process and, in effect, entails facing reality.

Confusion - Confusion is a response common to any event out of the ordinary. We try to make sense of it and have conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Mothers may also develop posttraumatic stress disorder, PTSD, and have anxiety and panic attacks associated to their child's abuse. “

I have been through most of these stages. I was depressed, I get depressed, I haven't gotten over anger. I have PTSD. I am still in shock after knowing for 10 months. But I keep my feelings at bay because I do not have time to waste, I have to fight with all my energy to minimize or undo what was done for my son.

Please be gentle to your mothers. You don't know what they are really going through. They'll probably take a long time to fully understand what happened and the consequences, on you and on her.
The forum with mothers of sexually abused children is full of severely traumatized mothers, taking medication, and going spiraling downhill trying to deal with the abuse. At the same time, they keep the appearance that everything is fine, so that their children do not get even more traumatized.

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