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#392612 - 04/07/12 10:08 AM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: jls]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

Just to give you more hope, I to lost all desire to drink when I sorted out my CSA issues, as well as my porn addiction the desire for online chat sites and most of my crappy behaviour.

The important part here is that he WORK on his issues. Honesty and openness are the key ingredients here, honesty with self and with partners.

I hope that your H is doing this.
And don't be afraid of the Co-Dependency book, you can use it to develop into a self loving and self confident person, this in turn will shock the crap out of him and motivate him to get better. If he cant manipulate you, the game is over.

Let us know how it goes.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#392639 - 04/07/12 03:31 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Originally Posted By: whome
game is over

Well said. The best part is he has the opportunity to be proud of himself. No false compliments. When I say I am proud he knows it's real. His self worth and esteem might actually be real. We'll all benefit from that.

#392844 - 04/09/12 12:54 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: Gretta]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
If you decide to extend Grace to your husband, I would set a new rule of "NO ALCOHOL". Period.

It's not about how much you drink, it's about WHY you drink. For me, I rarely drink... unless I'm struggling and dealing with lots of thoughts, feelings, and anxiety. Then I'll drink more than I should.

Am I an alcoholic? No, BUT my motivation for drinking (and smoking cigars "on occasion") is all about self-medicating.

By doing that, it means I'm avoiding dealing with what I'm experiencing, which means I'm not learning to recognize my own feelings and triggers and not learning how to handle them as an adult should.

So my advice, if you extend grace, is to also up the ante.

Self-Medicating will keep him from healing. If he wants to heal, it's gotta go away.

#392851 - 04/09/12 02:16 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: Avery46]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I am sorry, Dar, I think you are awesome but you are so off base for blaming Gretta for her LETTING him drink when with her. We are not their mothers. We do not let them do anything. They make their own choices.

My husband is an alcoholic, too. He CANNOT drink a drop. He will go right back to 20 beers a day. I can't stop him from drinking but he knows that as much as I love him, I love myself more and cannot go back to that life. Everyday is a day he has to make that choice.

there have been times I have been tempted to say maybe you can just have a beer or two on special occasions because I can't stand his unhappiness in those situations when he wants a drink but can't but I won't say it to him. I know he will be right back to where he was but it is HIS CHOICE not mine. I am not his mother and i refuse to be. Ihave to protect myself and my kids. I pray he never drinks again but if he does, it is his problem not mine. Everybody is responsible for their own choices!!

#392892 - 04/09/12 11:43 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: lucylives]
Dar Offline

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Well put Ms Lucy, thank you for clearing that up for me.
Boundaries were set and he broke them, not Gretta.

The way I figure it, if Gretta's husband didnt like the old boundaries and broke them he sure isnt going like the news ones he has to set for himself.

Thanks again
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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