Yes I can empathise with your feelings of unworthiness and being un-loveable. I too was emotionally and physically abused as a child by my father. Started when my mam walked out and left us for another man when I had just turned 10. Very powerful words when they come from a male figure and especially your parent. Of course it must be true if my own parent was telling me I was poison, no one would ever love me, horrible piece of shit etc etc which he would o me the pleasure of waking me up at 1am pissed to tell me! God how cruel these people are to instill this into helpless, innocent children. Took me 20odd year to convince my self and actually believe that I am worthy and I would not poison everything although for a long time I did because I did not believe anything else that is what I was made into!
You will get there I'm sure of that....If I can anyone can. You are not worthless or un-loveable to others but maybe this is your view of yourself and how you see yourself not how others see you and this is what you have to break.. that horrible cycle of self doubt and self hatred. Once you crack that and recognise you're worthy you'll be laughing.
It is a drain for partners emotionally / mentally. Its so hard especially when there are multiple factors along with the CSA, my partner was physically (horrendously to the point of near death at times) assaulted by his brother (2yr older) all his life unil his late 20's when he retalliated on him. He disclosed to me the other night that his brother was also 'touchy feely' (his words) I didnt want to push it for what he meant but that he would touch and get him to touch his privates. This realy didnt suprise me in the slightest as i have had my suspicion for a while. We also think that his brother was abused by my parnters' abuser as he was also left in his care and given the priviliage of being taken to the allotment!!!
He has acknowledged he was wrong last Monday in what he done and has apologised.... explaining that it is the only place he feels safe! However we have talked about his idea of safety and that the places he is choosing are not safe at all which he accepts.
It is scary to watch the self harm and in a way be able to do absolute jack about it. The only thing that eases me is that I know the reasons behind it and that although this is very wrong it is giving a short period of peace, escape away from the nightmares and flashbacks. We have had no alcohol in the house for a week!! I'm very shocked... this is a first. He did have 3 can on Wednesday but he limited this himself.
Thanks for all you kind words and support. It really does help to have you guys here. You herlp me understand and put things into perspective, not just for me but for my partner also as I have relayed your advice and suggestions to him.
One thing he cant get to grips with and is really struggling with which you's may be able to offer some thoughts on......
He was around 7 when the CSA started but was probably younger as he vividly remember the perp bringing toys to the house as a welcome to the neighbourhood...he would have been around 2 at this time, is that he kept going back to see the perp all thise years. he feels he was voluntarily deciding to do this knowing what was going to happen. However as he put it to me not so long ago it was either stay in the house around his brother and be beaten black and blue when his parents werent there (sometimes when they were but it was out of sight)or go to the perp!
Thanks again you guys... and I can say from the bottom of my heart you are ALL WORTHY OF LOVE! xxxxxx