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#392478 - 04/06/12 02:47 PM broken hearts
1luckyman Offline

Registered: 04/06/12
Posts: 9
Hi, I'm Gary
I have so many emotions in me right now I don't know where to start so I'll try to start with the abuse. I was sexually abused by an older cousin starting at age 5-6? Can't remember, just a guess from what I can put together right now. I just know I was so young and I didn't know what sex was. It started during baths when I would stay overnight. I have so much guilt and shame because at first I enjoyed it, but I had no idea what we were doing. I don't remember how it went from bath time touching to... well everything, but I remember when It did i didn't think it was so fun anymore. It went on till I was 12-13 ( guessing again ). I remember it was when I finally felt I was big enough to say NO! He tried, I hit him in the stomach as hard as I could and he hit the floor. I was so proud of myself, but that feeling didn't last long.

Now I'm 40 years old. I've held this in and though it was always in the back of my mind It recently, within last year or so, has resurfaced. My wife has told her side on here in the introductions if you would like to read her perspective.
Im not good with computers and don't know how to link but it under, don't know where to post this by janedoeshubby.

Ok,(deep breath, lot of tears)
After 6 years of living in a very stressful situation, taking care of one of her parents that was difficult on a good day and had MS on top of that, watching my mother pass from breast cancer, unstable work and just normal daily stress I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I cheated on my wife.
The last year what has happened to me in the past has been on my mind daily. In the past I would think about it maybe couple time in a year. I don't know what to think of feel any more. I have so many emotions runny through my mind at once.
I don't mean to blame what I did on my past, I know It is my fault. I just cant make sense of anything. I have been married for 20 years to the most wonderful person I've ever met. Never had another never wanted another, she was my first.
I have no idea why I did what I did but I don't feel it was for sex. It didn't go all the way and I didn't even get an erection. There was no kissing, no passion, nothing I have with my wife. It felt dirty and shameful, much like how I felt when my cousin touched me. I am sickened by this. I love her dearly and can't believe what I've done. All the shame from my past and now I've add this to me and also to my best friend and wife. We're in the process of getting a T.
Thats all I can process in my head right now and I am very much looking foreword to getting help and trying to repair what I've done. At least the best I can. I know I lost something I'll never get back, my childhood and now the trust of my wife. I can't wait to know what its like to live!

#392480 - 04/06/12 03:05 PM Re: broken hearts [Re: 1luckyman]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4230
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Welcome, Gary.

so good that you have taken this step.

lots of what you say resonates with me - and i'm sure with many others reading your post - the shared bath, the touching, the unwelcome attention, the guilty pleasure, the sense of shame and worthlessness, the acting out, the desperate desire to make it right and to heal and feel whole and healthy and forgiven. you'll find you have much in common with lots of the members here.

i hope you'll sense the understanding and support and compassion that are available here - and avail yourself of the resources. read and explore. feel free to join in as you are able and comfortable.

this site has been my single most helpful avenue for learning and repairing the damage of the past.

wishing BOTH OF YOU you strength, courage and perseverance on your journey!
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#392481 - 04/06/12 03:07 PM Re: broken hearts [Re: 1luckyman]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Welcome Gary.., and Jane.

Let me first say... "Well done." Disclosure, seeking help and connecting with those who can help, this is the path that leads to healing recovery. All of what you have just disclosed will become less overwhelming and it will be resolved. You will find relief. It usually takes an emergency in the life of a survivor for the abuse to come crashing back in to our lives and for us to demand recovery relief. Keep posting, keep talking, keep sharing, even the hard stuff, because reason and applying that reason is the ONLY weapon we have against the overwhelming emotional control of the abuse. You are a good man, it is definitely your responsibility to heal your life and ask forgiveness from those around you, but it is NOT your fault. Overwhelming blame and shame are from the abuse, not reason. Keep this healthy path, it will become your healthy path, until there is only you.., healthy.

Congratulations to your wife for supporting you through this most difficult transition.

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#392572 - 04/07/12 03:09 AM * [Re: 1luckyman]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 09:09 PM)

#392746 - 04/08/12 05:22 PM Re: broken hearts [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3856
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Gary and welcome to MS smile
is is beautiful thing that you and your wife came here in look for some answers and support.
Please consider that we all need to work very hard on self-esteem and to fight some low feelings in first place in search for recovery. So I will give you here some instructions that helped me very much, please read it carefully and start doing some stuff if you will like it!

Here is link for new men here, there is even some homework for you, read it and consider doing it regularly:

I have found those daily affirmations and way to change self from passive into some active stance as very important for my recovery!

Here is link for one thread with some useful breathing exercises that I've found very helpful for calming self:

and here is some short text on how to ground self:

Additionally please share with us as much as possible, write, comment and ask questions, it is good way to connect with survivors and to not feel alone!
Be well!

My story


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