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#392278 - 04/05/12 01:52 PM Discouraged
photoangela75 Offline

Registered: 04/04/12
Posts: 5
Hi All,

I am new here, but I spent may hours yesterday looking through this site, and felt very discouraged. My husband of 1.5 years is a survivor. I see alot of male survivros have cheated and had infidelity, and I get that due to intimacy issues. My husband had frequented pornography alot in the past prior to us marrying, I let him know I am not comfortable with this. He said he could never be unfaithful to me. He is a man who pulls away from sex and intimacy. We have been seperated for 4 months, we did not talk for 3 of those months. I told him last night I read alot on these forums and felt very discouraged, he reacted negatively said that now is not the time to talk about this....and he just wants to enjoy time together. We just started communicating again a few weeks ago. My feeling is the opposite. I would like to communiccate and decide if we are going to head down a new road and do things differently then we had in the past where are communication is concerned. I feel this is just him...more of the same in the past, refusing to communicating about the not so fun stuff. How should I approach this as I dont want to get further into this unless I know there is a plan to move forward and realy deal with the issues surrounding his sexual abuse that keeps him intamently withdrawn. Thoughts...advice???

#392289 - 04/05/12 03:26 PM Re: Discouraged [Re: photoangela75]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Angela - was he unfaithful and that's why you are separated?

I don't want to preempt any of the valuable guidance you will get from the survivors who faithfully help us out here in the Friends and Family forum...but I want to respond to you.

His history of abuse does have an impact on the relationships he has. Without a doubt. How and in what way seem to differ. Your desire for him to resolve these things in order to build a strong relationship is RIGHT ON.

There really cannot be a healthy relationship between two people who are not addressing their own emotional health.

Here's the but, he has to know that and want it - and get there himself. And you are free to accept or not accept certain things. For example, you can tell him that it is essential to you that he work through some of those things. And then it is up to him to decide.

You are in good company here.

#392294 - 04/05/12 04:18 PM Re: Discouraged [Re: Esposa]
photoangela75 Offline

Registered: 04/04/12
Posts: 5

Thanks for your reply, no he was not unfaithful. He told me what had happened to him after we got married. Becasue there was a lack of intimacy, and he didnt want sexual intimacy. I chose the seperation becasue I feel that he was not actively choosing to help himself. It was me who found the specialist, malesurvivor, bought the books...and I see now that is wrong becasue as you said he has to want it and get there himself. We have started talking again and I told him in an amail this morning: (Below)

"I WILL stay with you...empower you. I will not abandon you if you can make the choice to become ACTIVE in your recovery. I am not willing to stand by you if you choose not to get help and continue to engage in denial about the effects the abuse is having on your life and MINE. You tell me that this HAS to go at your pace. If you truly Want healing and to get to a point that healing and changes begin...It has to be a commitment from you to take REAL ownership of your recovery and get on about it. I want you to get help and be serious about reciving help, however the desire has to come from within YOU."

I dont want to give him an ultimadum, we have spent 4 months apart....I feel I need to know what will happen next. Is that wrong??? Im new to Thanks for your kind words and insight.


#392317 - 04/05/12 06:29 PM Re: Discouraged [Re: photoangela75]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
He has to want the help and be willing to achieve it in my opinion. He will band aid the problem as most survivors , as myself did, an then regress more than likely until he gets help. No matter how much you want it you can't will him to get help. He has to do it. I wish y'all the best and hope all works out
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#392319 - 04/05/12 06:38 PM Re: Discouraged [Re: Country]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
I remember feeling the same way. There is hope and there are survivors who break through it all. I think I even ask for alittle hope in a topic once and got some really encouraging responses.

Esposa & country are right he needs to want to get better and be thankful you found out BEFORE he cheated. You should pat yourself on the back because many wives of survivors (me included) excused bad or odd behavior for too long. You may have saved your marraige by refusing to compromise. I am proud and little jealous I wasn't that smart early in.

You should be very hopeful.

Edited by Gretta (04/05/12 06:39 PM)

#392458 - 04/06/12 10:48 AM Re: Discouraged [Re: photoangela75]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Photo

Just replied to your other post, read it and don't get discouraged, but do look after yourself here.
You can only advise and encourage him, but you can heal yourself and prepare for any eventuality. If things don't work out then you are ready to continue on your own, if they do work out then you will be a stronger happier person, able to support him and not get hurt yourself.

Let us know how it goes.

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog


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