I .. keep wondering if i should go...
Actually i am planning to move to Toronto. ( in the area).

My therapist is there.
But the thing it doesnt matter if he lives in the same city.

Last night i acted-out twice on watching that damn porn!
And i do well...............
and kaboom!..... i get lonely...
i need love. From a guy.
And i am scared of a woman's touch.

How could i be so overconfident that i would never
watch that shit?! ( sorry if this offends anyone.)

I have soooo many issues in my brain.

I havent exercies cardio in two years. ( due to leg injury).

I havent weight-lifted in a couple of weeks.

My debts...are in the thousands.

And i think i will ..just have a miracle and everything
will be all well...should i live near my therapist.

It really doesnt...
I mean,,,, why should i leave?
This city sucks!!!

and i told my mom yesterday...
" mom dont tell dad ...or anyone but i think i want to move
to Toronto."

she loves this of course ,,why? b/c my sibling lives
near Toronto as well.

I get these things in my head .. " you dont have a penis"
" or this -such as guy's stuff..."......... faking voices!!!


ANd the worst. It is as if i am leaving soonner .

My brother -cares about him, not me , him.
Oh , yeah i didnt tell you guys..... a couple weeks back
i left him a voicemail.
To be honest i really dont want to talk much.
I envisioned saying " i will not be close. I dont want you
in my life. I just dont want you to worry."

and he never called or emailed me.
What an asshole!

and my dad doesnt want to live over there.
Again my mom does.
and i am 37 .... i am thinking of going to the school system
to start my education over...like back from grade 4/5 b/c
i dont have a whole lot of knowledge here.

I had to keep my feelings all over the place... so i wouldnt
act-out violently to me or others.

I dont give myelf credit.
Stupid porn. I was imagining last night after i did all
that......when i went out with my parents.
I was thinking if i hadnt watched any of it....;
what would i be feeling right now? anxious , pride in me?

emotional? something...
instead i was beating the crap out of myself while waiting
to order tea.

I have two friends.
But to be honest guys. I want to leave , NOW!
and i didnt want to tell my mom ..it is just they only live
here in Wpg. , b/c of me.

It seems as if alot is dependent on me here to shut-up.

My dad is sooooo sick.
I think ...ugghh .. they my dad's parents an all - they
want me to do ( what was then, but feels so current)
to touch my dad's penis...

and it was actually my dad's brother! frown

How disgusting. And i have nowhere to go.
Where? where do i go?
" oh yeah, buddy i watch gay porn. ah, but it isnt what
you think. I am not gay or anything.

Fak!!! who would want to listen to this bullshit?!

I need to get my anger out. And my folks may be going to
Australia in 6 weeks time.
Should they?,,,,,, i am going to do alot of kicking and
screaming in their home. smile

okay thanks for your time