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#392255 - 04/05/12 06:22 AM uncomfortable and anxious
lgdan84 Offline

Registered: 07/12/10
Posts: 29
Loc: California
Among many other issues, whenever im in a social setting and homosexuality becomes the topic (whatever it may be, even the phrase gay) I get extremely anxious inside and uncomfortable. I also feel that I start acting "weird".

I'm 27 and my head is so confused on thoughts of "am i gay". But at the same time I get crushes on women that I meet and also long for a relationship with one. However, it is hard for me to get close with women, act out physically, and be emotional. I was sexually abused by my babysitters oldest child who was 2 years older than me when I was young (5-9).

I asked myself the question today, "why would you even question yourself about that" and "why are you even researching this topic if you are attracted to women, and you turn your head to check one out, and you watch straight porn". I get angry with myself for being so confused over what I want and not being able to connect with anyone.

Lastly, earlier today in social psychology we had to get into discussion groups and talk about comments people make about others. I was in a group with a girl who i know likes me and i find her cute as well. we were to discuss how would you respond to someone who said to you "look at that guy, he is such a flamer". immediately I go extremely anxious inside and had a total lack of confidence in my voice. I felt an awkwardness between us like she was trying to figure me out after that, we couldnt make eye contact with each other. This is all so hard for me to deal with.


#392283 - 04/05/12 02:37 PM Re: uncomfortable and anxious [Re: lgdan84]
somaticfilter Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 15
Loc: New York
I understand your feelings all too well. I am 26 years old and bisexual. when I was 14 or 15 was the first time I remember being attracted to other males, but the vast majority of my relationships and experiences have been with women. It wasn't until about a year ago that I gained the confidence to come out as openly bisexual.

This, of course, does not mean that you yourself are gay or bisexual. It's entirely possible that you are just curious, but either way there's no shame in the feelings that you have.

Have you ever had a 'crush' or attraction to a specific male? Is that something that you feel you could allow yourself to do, or is the idea too unsettling?

#392316 - 04/05/12 06:05 PM Re: uncomfortable and anxious [Re: somaticfilter]
lgdan84 Offline

Registered: 07/12/10
Posts: 29
Loc: California
Sure I can look at another man and think he is attractive or handsome, but I don't think that I've ever had a crush on another man and want to do something physically. There was a time with my "best" friend when we were young (14 or so) where I spent the night at his house and we started groping each other, and we used to masterbate at the same computer together, but I didnt get off looking at him or anything, and we both had our favorite scene in the films to get off at. I think when we groped each other (he started it) that I was just acting on the abuse I experienced as a younger child. I knew nothing different. It makes me mad that all this had to happen to me and I wonder if it messed up my brain's wiring. Because now I don't know what I want. I'm afraid of commitment and get anxious around anyone I talk with. It's something that plagues my mind every minute of the day. It prevents me from functioning at a normal level, paying attention in class, paying attention to a conversation. Therapists are too expensive for me to talk too.

I came out to my "best" friends (the one i had had my teenage experience with) one time during a mushroom trip. I had an anxiety attack and told them my feelings and I told them I found men attractive and how i might be bi/gay, how I was abused at a younger age. . Now I rarely talk to them anymore. I work with one of them and it's just weird being around each other, I am really uncomfortable. I don't think they understand really what im going through. Now that i've researched and have really payed attention to my feelings, I don't think im bi/gay. Sure I find other men attractive and i'm constantly checking out women and wishing I could be with them. I just can't connect or allow someone into my life.

I want to function like a normal man (have confidence, strong will, connection with women on a romantic level, feelings, ect.)

Thank you for responding somatic. My intro to this site explains what ive been through up until this time in my life, if you care to read. But it's nice to have someone to listen and help explain feelings and events in our lives.


#394391 - 04/22/12 05:10 AM Re: uncomfortable and anxious [Re: lgdan84]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
I had similar feelings in my teens of sexual confusion which I attribute to being abused by my older brother when I was young. It took me awhile, years really to figure out that I was straight and know it w/o a doubt. It sounds like you are dealing w/ something similar.

Your comment about not being able to connect and allow someone into your life also resonates strongly w/ me and I think it will w/ many others here.


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