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#391800 - 04/01/12 11:07 PM what I want to say to him
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
That I like and respect him.
That I care about him even when I'm angry or upset.
That I'm never going to leave him.
That I value his humanness and imperfections because they are part of who he is.
That I see him as very masculine.
That I accept him unconditionally, including the ways the abuse has affected him.
That he is "enough" just the way he is.

Today he isn't able to hear these words and let them in, so for now I will hold these thoughts, and type them here.

I hope all our survivors eventually come to believe that they are worthy of love and care.

#391808 - 04/02/12 12:02 AM Re: what I want to say to him [Re: mmfan]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio

mmfan -

speaking as a male survivor - you are totally getting it!!!

those are EXACTLY the affirmations that i need to hear - and even more, need to BELIEVE! my wife tries to get me to accept similar things and i have a very hard time with it.

i can't help but think that for you to have come up with that list means that your survivor also needs to hear and believe them, too.

keep at it! "we" are kind of dense sometimes - have built up lots of resistance to anything positive.

if you can get this through to him it will be a HUGE part of his recovery.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#391838 - 04/02/12 03:45 AM Re: what I want to say to him [Re: traveler]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
mmfan - love your list wink Felt all of that, until I was betrayed. Now I send him crazy mixed messages that probably sound something like this:

I like you and respect you.
How could you have done that?

I am never going to leave you.
Unless I cannot forgive you.

You are "enough" just the way you are.
As long as you are not cheating on me.

wink Not really funny.... but true.

#391965 - 04/03/12 02:29 AM Re: what I want to say to him [Re: Esposa]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
He said recently, "I've hurt people because my self worth was so low, I didn't realize my behavior had any impact on them. I assumed they didn't care enough to be hurt."

SO MANY of his issues in relationships are because of this fundamental lack of self worth. On a bad day he can't even let me close, because he can't believe I care.

He asked me yesterday, "How do I start caring about myself? Where does someone get self worth?"
I was at a loss to answer. I thought my caring for him would show him (if only by example) that he is worthy of care. Guess it's not that simple.

Traveler I hope you're right that he'll eventually get it -he deserves to feel worthy(and so do you).

#391985 - 04/03/12 04:30 AM Re: what I want to say to him [Re: mmfan]
Jim1104 Offline

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Ditto on what Lee said.

#392006 - 04/03/12 06:59 AM Re: what I want to say to him [Re: Jim1104]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

I read what you are saying but please don't fall into the same trap that a lot of wives fall into.

You are so busy looking after the survivor that you neglect yourself. The next thing you realize is that your survivor has gotten over his issues and you are now left stranded and confused. Your roll in the family has changed and you are no longer the one in control. The survivor has taken over rolls that you would normally have to take care off. You have been lied to so much in the past that you no longer feel that you can trust him. He is confused because he says that he is well and the cracks begin to show.

It is important that the survivor heals, but it is equally important that the wife also deals with the huge effects that this has on their lives.

I am currently in this situation, my wife is battling with this, she doesn't trust me because lies were a massive part of life. I still catch myself lying, and got caught in a stupid lie a few months ago. This led to my wife hijacking my post and writing in her perceived version of the truth.

I cant be angry with her because she is in pain, and it is going to take a while before she can trust me. this is not made easier by the fact that I am no longer staying at home.

Please do not underestimate the effects of this on your life, and the fact that you will need to face this at some point in time.


Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#392163 - 04/04/12 02:10 PM Re: what I want to say to him [Re: whome]
rook Offline

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 25
Has he asked you not to say these things?

He may not be able to accept them but the physical act of hearing them he "can" do, unless he has asked for you not to do so.

Imagine for years and years you just hear the same bad messages over and over again and how many times we need to hear the good messages for them to sink in and be believed.

So try and even if he doesnt accept them, they are important words to be heard.

Food for thought

#392313 - 04/05/12 05:43 PM Re: what I want to say to him [Re: rook]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
As a survivor those are great words to hear.
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#392314 - 04/05/12 05:57 PM Re: what I want to say to him [Re: Country]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3855

those affirmations are wonderful. I love the last line you wrote of being worthy of love and care. I missed understanding that for a lifetime. Now I understand it and have people who share those feelings with me and I do not reject or put up a wall. It is wonderful to feel again. It is sad the abuse can destroy our souls and perception of self--make us feel worthless. Thank you for sharing and I know it will give many survivors comfort and courage.


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