when i read your message, Eric, i wept at the depth and power of what it was communicating to me. but i didn't really understand it. i just felt and knew that it was significant. and comforting...
i slept on it.
now i think i am able to explain a little of what it means to me:
i was trying to analyze and move past those feelings to take control and act upon my intellectual cause-and-effect way of dealing with the discomfort of the experience. in doing so i was pushing aside and negate my "younger self" that was trying to tell me something important. that is what the abusers and neglectful parents, teachers, leaders and all adults in my life did at the time. i was unwittingly trying to repeat the process by doing to myself what had been modeled for me for all my life.
i need to slow down and take time to listen to my "younger selves" and let them express what i need to learn from them. i need to embrace the emotions and let them play out since i was never permitted to experience them before. not to rush, not to interrupt, not to judge or repress or control or deny. even if i feel foolish and childish - it is important to ride this wave all the way to shore.
and all of this does not sound like the adult me at all. even six months ago, i'd have called this a bunch of new-agey gobbledegook!
but something inside (or someONE!)tells me it is true.
thanks again, wise man!
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"