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#39198 - 06/12/03 09:01 AM Re: Your Significant Other???
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
hello, this is jokers wife.... i think tis is a great thread. so of course i had to tell the other side of jokers

i was prego when i 1st met joker, and i met him at a friends house. he came in while i was talking to our mutual friend we had and he came over asking if he could join our conversation. i said yes and kept on talking. so he ask once again if he could interupt our in depth conversation. again i said yes but this time waited for him to say something, few seconds passed and he said in his privious post i thought he was gay, so to just pick at him i just asked him to marry me out of the blue. he had been squatting down and just fell straight over.i laughed so hard thinking it was funny. after he got over the shock of my question he said yes, he said let me finish school and get a job so i can take care of you and the baby.(he was going to cosmitoligy school, 1 of the reasons i thought he was gay, the other was the way he looked and prissed around).
needless to say i was then shocked but blew it off. i soon went back to where i was staying wich was a placec for unwed pregnate mothers. i wasnt there 15 min.before i got a call frrom him i was a little shocked because i didnt give him my #. he just called to tell me how much he loved me and was serious about marring me and taking care of the baby. i told him he was crazy he was gay and he didnt know what love was, that he just met me and he "couldnt" love me. then i hung up the phone. thinking he was nuts.

after that every time i had plans to see this mutual friend somehow he was always there. it drove me nuts. well our friend ended up in jail and she had 3 kids that joker and i didnt want to end up in foster care , ,so joker stayed at there house sence he was over the age of 18. i was just 17 at the time. well her daughter called me up and asked if i could come stay there because joker didnt know how to cook and she didnt want to have to talk to him about things grls her age may need. so i moved in to help out. now after i moved in i thought it was the biggest mistake i had ever made sence he fallowed me everywhere like a little lost puppy dog. if i went to the ladies room he stood out side of the door the entire time i was there. i felt like i was being stalked. i told him on several occasions i only wanted to be friends and only friends. he would say thats fine but still fallow me around. finaly i wrote him a 3 page letter telling him off and how he was confused, he didnt love and if he hadnt figured it out yet itwas obvious he was gay.i told him we could be friends but only if he backed off, other wise i didnt want to have anything to do with him, plus that i was still in love with someone else.
he read the letter and afterwards i said i was sorry if i hurt his feelings but that was how i felt, he just looked at me with his great big eyes and grinned the biggest grin i ever saw and said thats ok i'll just try even harder.

i was like sheesh how can i get ride of this guy.

a few day latter we ran out of cigs so he went over to his dads and step moms house to steal some empty soda bottles of there pourch to redeam for the money to by cigs. he took scott one of our frinds sons with him. when he got back he handed me this huge bouquet of flours

well i just looked at them and layed them down and said thanks.....i didnt want to do anything to encourage him so i wasnt about to say how pretty they was or even smell them. after i laid them down i went into another room , scoot fallowed me in while joker picked up the flowers and proceded to put them in water. while doing so scott called me a cold hearted b*tch, that if i would take the time to look joker over i would see that he was injured, that he had gotten injuredwhile getting me these flowers. he had seen them on the way to the store in this ladies front yard and decided he was going to pick some for me. he had to sit back and choose the ones he wanted before he jumped the fence because there was 2 dogs in the yard. so he junped the fence and proceded to pick the flowers while these to dogs chases him around the yard trying to catch him. just as he got done and was jumping back over the fence one of the dobermins got him and bit into his anckle, leaving 2 puncture holes and ripping his jeans.

feeling like a real looser , ,i told him thank you again and that they was pretty. i looked at his leg and sure enough there was 2 puncture hole and blood everywhere. i told him i was sorry he got hurt.

a couple weeks later i went to go see the guy i was in love with and we talked about getting back together, i was so happy. well joker had constantly been telling me he loved me and i would just say thats nice, but i dont feelthe same way. well appon my arrival home i was in my own little world and thinking about my love, joker came up behind me and told me he loved just as he always did, but without thinking i said i love you too back to him. he started jumping upand down screaming at the top of his longsthat he loved meand he knew he would win me over. i felt soooooooooooooo bad, but i didnt have the heart to tell him otherwise he was just so stinking happy i didnt want to hurt him. he asked me to say it again so i just started saying ditto, that was good enough for him he was on top of the world.
a week went by and this was still going on. i went to see my love and when i got there i noticed i didnt feel the same way as i usualy did when i saw him. nothing felt the same. when i returned home i saw joker standing there running towards me to give me a hug, atthat moment my heart lept into my throat and i knew i had done went and fell in love with him against my own better judgement. i felt so happy and sad at the same time. i told him that i needed a few min to think and i would be right back. i thought it over carefuly and new i had to tell him the trueth about it. so i mustard up the guts to tell him that when i had said i loved him the week before it was an accedent, but now, now i did love him and was telling him for the 1st time in total honesty that i love him. and how i knew. i thought i had done a good thing, to face up to the trueth, and to be totaly honest with him, he looked me square in the eyes with his cold empty blue eyes and told me to get oout of his face, he didnt want anything to do with me anymore. i was crushed. needless to say we got back together and here we are, almost 18 years and 3 kids later we are still together.

we have been threw hell and back together, and yes even at one point he thought he was gay like i thought, but it all worked out. i love him with all my heart and will continue to love him. i will be there for him when he needs me weather it be for a hug,to hold him while he cries or to help him ground when he is upset. i will do my best to protect him in every way i can. was it worth it or is it still worth it some has asked me, yes it has been and will continue to be. i love him heart mind and soul and nothing anyone has done to him or anything people will try to do to come between us will never pull us apart or change my love for him. he is now stuck with me like i was with him every where he goesi will be there . threw thick and thin, ,good times and bad.

on a side note.... about 3 yrs afterthe flower ordeal we moved to oklahoma where i grew up. i was in the middle of telling my parents the story of him picking the flowers for when when he fell over and just died laughing....after all the strange looks he got from everyone he then told us all that the 2 dobermins that chased him was actualy 2 min pins and he had caught his anckle on the prongs of the fence as he was jumping back over , thats was left the 2 holes , ripped his jeans and made him bleed, not the

great thread, sorry i wrote so much, but i have to say that there is such a thing as love at 1st sight. joker swears by it and made a believer out of me.


I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#39199 - 06/12/03 12:55 PM Re: Your Significant Other???
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
dont laugh guys I cant believe I am saying any of this

My first wife was wonderful, we met at school and I was studing vocal music, she violin and clarinet
I fell head over heals in love. The day she left ten years later about killed me. after the divorce she said we had a chance to get back together, it was a fat chance and i hurt more.
Well i was wondering if I was gay, so I went to this meeting and someone fell in love with me, but I wasnt gay, we moved in together and it didnt work, but stayed room mates.

I went on this men's retreat, and this women I knew from a year a go who I was ignoring for 6 months, I knew I had to call her. So from a cell phone in Canada, I called and said I loved her over and over on her machine. Even though she thought I was crazy at first, she was at my door step the next day in disbelief. Months later we moved in cause we couldnt aford two places, and we were married a year after the call. Six years later here I am.

So we met while I lived with this guy who thought he was in love with me, I realize who I was in love with. Kinda ironic.

Part of my heart is still with my first love, pain is there too the hurt was different than the abuse--- I miss her I will never miss the abuse!

My life At Least Parts

rainy days
running down my face
a scarecrow on my back

will I never
quit running
toward everything I feel I lack

sunny days
till i turnd five
my grandpappy and mammy took a trip

now those
days are gray and dark
and full of wicked things instead

years of abuse
fucked me up
but two things stand undone

both of my wives
love me
so now I see the sun

I wish things were
different and
I did not hurt so bad

but now I have
some love today
to heal the child and man

M. Joseph

By the way you guys give me love too thanks!

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#39200 - 06/12/03 02:19 PM Re: Your Significant Other???
guy43 Offline

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Mike,

It's cool to hear that you're allowing yourself to be and relate to your friend. If you haven't had many experiences of falling in love, whoa nelly, hang on dude... it's quite a ride, but worth it. The ups are thrilling, the downs are so painful... well worth the effort of facing the fears!!!

An interesting but painful topic for me. I've no real experience with an intimate relationship. Many girlfriends over the years, none lasted more than a few years. None were truly 'I'm in love' with this person, nor was I able to feel free and at ease to share my inner self. Now I've come to understand the deepest, more damaged parts of my psyche have left me unable to love in a meaningful (to me) manner. I've a lot of hope that I'll find more meaningful relationhips in the future. The stories here are triumphs indeed over the abuse we've suffered.

To those who had much love in their lives and have lost some or most of those s.o.'s. Be grateful for what you had, remember the good and try not to dwell on the failures.

Sometimes it makes me sad or angry, when I look back through my life and now, that many men here seem to have so much in their lives, and I've not nearly as much. I suppose some of us are more functionally able to play the game, or at least give that appearence. It is a message that healing from past traumas is possible.

It's rock n roll time Mike!

will I ever
quit running
from everything I feel I lack
It is so ironic that I/we don't know how to deal with or how to get what we need. It's a good kick in the pants for me, a sort of affirmation if I turn the stanza around:

I can
let myself walk
toward everything
I feel I lack.

thanks MJ, it's a great/sad poem. i hope you don't mind my converting it to a positive note.


#39201 - 06/12/03 03:03 PM Re: Your Significant Other???
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA
Sometimes it makes me sad or angry, when I look back through my life and now, that many men here seem to have so much in their lives, and I've not nearly as much. I suppose some of us are more functionally able to play the game, or at least give that appearence. It is a message that healing from past traumas is possible.

I don't know about any of the other guys who's in a committed relationship now, but I almost lost all that was most important to me, in part because of the ways I tried to relate/avoid relating to my wife. We're not really out of the woods yet, but I think we're at least walking together towards a clearing.

A lot of the difficulty came from attitudes and habits I developed over the years of hiding my sexual abuse victimization. If I could have started our relationship while aware of the things I needed to handle and at least having started to handle them in an appropriate manner, well, to quote another famous 20th Century American philospher, Ben (The Thing) Grimm, "If wishes wuz fishes we'd all ride for free." (Yeah, I know, but I like Ben's version. \:\) )



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#39202 - 06/12/03 04:43 PM Re: Your Significant Other???
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I change a line, it was not writen right

I want to believe in what i have and think I dont have

I will keep looking at myself and learn that I do not lack those things


Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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