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#391911 - 04/02/12 05:36 PM partner attending counselling - help!!
Kazbob12 Offline

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
Hi all,

I'm wanting some feedback and insight into the after effects of undertaking counselling sessions. My partner was sexually abused on a weekly if not daily basis by his neighbour and family friend for around 8yr.... could b longer as he cant actually remember when it started.

He has attended his first counselling session today with MIND, with some predictable after results. He has disappeared for 3 hours to the pub come back (after I tracked him down n told him I needed him to return so I could pick my son up) and told me he has to return to the pub in his home town which is 15mins away to sort an ongoing grievance with someone he has seen in there. In other words there has been a scuffle as he put it and a fight arranged.

Of course I have refused to take him and after some name calling on his part and blame passed onto me he has took him self off to bed. He has said he can understand why he feels like shit, doesn't know where he wants to be and went to this pub as this is where he felt safe!

I suppose what I am looking for are peoples experiences through counselling and the after effects of the sessions, how best I can support him through these feelings and also protect myself. I would be most appreciateive of any advice, feedback, examples etc etc.

Much love and many thanks


#392462 - 04/06/12 11:13 AM Re: partner attending counselling - help!! [Re: Kazbob12]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Kazbob12

Wow, it seems that your husband got the violence addiction. There are various ways that men deal with their abuse, Violence, Porn, Alcohol, Drugs, Sex addiction and on and on and on.

There is however one IMPORTANT fact here.
In order to recover from CSA, one needs to be OF SOUND MIND. CSA victims do all that they can to NUMB the emotions, and one of the ways we numb our emotions is to drink.
Now in order to heal from CSA we need to stop drinking and stop using other things that numb our emotions (violence).
I am afraid that the therapy will not be as effective as it could be whilst the husband is drinking.
Now to stop the drinking he needs to make that choice, you cant force him.
But you can set out the rules.
Lay down rules and if he breaks them the consequences must be harsh and must be followed through.
If you drink and come home drunk then you will get thrown out the house.
If you fight you will get thrown out the house.
If you surf porn you will........yeah get thrown out the house.

What is even more important here is that you start to prepare yourself. Get help, go to Al Anon, study up on Co-Dependency, and find out as much as you can about the effects of CSA on your man's life. Forearmed is forewarned.

PM me if you want.

Look after yourself and heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#392624 - 04/07/12 01:08 PM Re: partner attending counselling - help!! [Re: whome]
Kazbob12 Offline

Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
Thanks you Martin

Yes he has the violence addiction (to show he is a man and strong) but also the substances although he is putting things in place for this... slowly but surely... I will PM you if that is ok.

Much love and many thanks for your support xx

#392628 - 04/07/12 01:18 PM Re: partner attending counselling - help!! [Re: Kazbob12]
mike13 Offline

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Hi Kazbob12

Your plate is very full and you are so wonderful for sticking by him. Please feel free to come here and get the help and support you need. Have a great weekend



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