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#391791 - 04/01/12 08:18 PM I have tried
anniec56 Offline

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 3
IT has been almost 2 years since my husband told me about his horrific childhood, I have found help for myself in reading these boards,Ken's book and therapy for myself. I told my husband I had read his book and suggested he read it, I told him I was seeking help in order to help me so I can be ther for him,and don't worry wehen he did tell me I wrapped my arms around him in support and it was almost a relief with him telling me because I could understand better why he was the way he was sometimes, afraid to go out in public, I was a public figure and he was always afraid that we would run into one of his perps and they would tell, I suggested therapy for him, I have not pushed, I have been there for him, love him and understand why he has been so quiet, withdrawn and angry with himself through the aid of therapy and this site. I am just so sad and feel so guilty because this man is a good, kind, loving dad,and human being, he keeps the anger within himself, and sometimes gives it to me, he is not physically abusive, but I find that I have started to tip toe, and withdraw myself, he reads the bible all the time now and makes me feel guilty that I am catholic, we have been together for over 35 years and I am so sorry to say that no matter what I have tried to do it hasn't worked whether it be giving him space, trying to do things that I think would make him happy, reassuring my love for him. It is so sad that I know that supporting him has not been enough but I feel that changes have to be made and that I am doing more harm than good. I am the only person in the world that he has talked to about his sexual abuse and I have tried to convince him that he needs to talk to a professional, he says that he talks to God, it's so sad but I think change is going to have to take place, I feel that I can't help him any more and that I add to his depression and maybe there is something more for him out there and he needs to find it without me. But I'm afraid to talk to him about it now, see that's part of the problem, I'm always afraid to talk to him now because I don't want to upset him. I am a strong woman and have alot of self confidence but what has happened to us has left me with no confidence when I am speaking to him. I am always sad, and afraid that I will upset him and make him more depressed. I hate ultimatums but the bottom line is I think that I am at the point where he has to start realizing how sexual abuse has affected his life and there is hope for recovery and great change that can help him be happy and enjoy the rest of his life, and yes I know it's a long road, I read about it here all the time, but he has chosen not to and I am in the process of choosing not to continue my life journey with him if he doesn't try to get help for himself. I'm sorry just sad and rambling, and saving therapy money, but it looks like I'm heading back there to help me figure this out. Oh well.

#391810 - 04/02/12 12:14 AM Re: I have tried [Re: anniec56]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4178
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
anniec -

male survivor here...

from my POV, it sounds like you have done all the RIGHT things - and ALL the right things.

you are right - nothing will change until HE wants to change and participates in the process.

there is hope - many of us here can give 1st-hand proof of that. i know that change is scary - but much better than the alternatives. i've tried both ways.

will he read any quotes from the books or posts on these forums? Or listen to you read to him? even just short snips. like "what do you think about this?" and then a sentence or two and ask for his opinion or reaction - like he's helping you to understand. all it takes is a tiny crack in the wall to get started.

Strength and courage to you both,
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3


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