you've hit a nerve there, one I only recently found I had at all.
Only towards the later stages of recovery did I realise that I wasn't an abuser, for over 30 years I didn't know and I was scared. I knew I was fucked up, my obsessions and acting out told me that, but I could never figure out just how bad I was. So I avoided children all that time and made every excuse in the book not to have any with my wife, a woman who is so maternal and good with kids, it must be so hard on her now that we're both too old to realistically be parents.
I've watched my nephews and nieces and my friends kids grow up all around me, and kept away.
This is the thing that upsets me most now, we have been deprived of our normal family life by those bastards that abused me !!
I watch my friends and family, our age, with their kids and grandkids and I ache inside for what we've lost. I try to catch up but I've never learned how to play and act with kids naturally, I kept away from them, and I wasn't one myself for very long.
And I fear that as we get older we will find the hole in our lives getting bigger.
If you have kids, give them a big hug tonight.