Newest Members
Pyro, crabtree22, vsimiola, mcw, amyellis
13261 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Isaac (41)
Who's Online
2 registered (betrayed boy, 1 invisible), 26 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,261 Registered Members
75 Forums
68,750 Topics
478,538 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 4 of 4 < 1 2 3 4
Topic Options
#464141 - 04/16/14 12:14 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
randy2000 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 5
Loc: New York, USA
It was the night before my hernia operation. I was a senior in high school. My abuser continued to control me. I overheard my dad telling my mom that if the doctor wasn't careful, I would be castrated. When I heard that, it excited me. I don't know why but my abuser had made me feel like I didn't deserve to be a man. I was shaved for the operation and my penis looked even smaller than usual. I don't know why I told my perp about my thoughts of castration. He actually threatened to cut off my testicles with a knife.

Top
#464152 - 04/16/14 11:32 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3968
Loc: settling in the USA again
how are you doing now, Randy?

i started this thread over 2 years ago and it is so strange to see it come up again. i have definitely progressed a lot since i first wrote about it. i hope you are better now, too? if it is still an issue for you, don't hesitate to keep working at it. it can get better.

lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#485820 - 07/20/15 07:16 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: 1islandboy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1465
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: 1islandboy
Can Anyone Relate...???


After the roles were reversed...(he effectively shocked me, by initially sneaking into my room, but also wanted to show me how good it felt).

he would tease me (in order to turn me on) and then deny me (in order to turn me on and then frustrate me).

This for me, effectively was, a form of psychological castration...an avenue for him to control and prolong sexual activity, with a whole bunch of emasculation, humiliation and ultimately feminization mixed in...

I can relate to this very much. I was tied down to the four corners of a bed, I guess I was 14 at the time, and with my eyes covered someone would start masturbating me and just before I would ejaculate he would stop. This was all being filmed. Then he would start again and just before I would ejaculate he would stop. This would go on and on for at least a half hour. I thought I was going to lose my mind and that my privates would explode. When he finally ejaculated me I thought that everything down there exploded.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#485846 - 07/20/15 10:48 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Echoes Offline


Registered: 07/04/15
Posts: 43
This is such a terrible topic I don't know how I managed to read it through without going sick. I was 3 when my father died and 6 when my mother remarried. My stepfather was a sick violent bastard, and though he never got sexual with me he would beat me senseless and run after me with a pair of scissors saying he would cut my things off if I screamed. When I was 14 he managed to hack at my pubic hair. This is so horrendous I cant stop shakinh my god

Top
#485875 - 07/21/15 03:11 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Nothing Man Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/10/14
Posts: 1087
Loc: Ohio
(((Echoes)))

It is over and done, and he cannot hurt you anymore. You obviously need to talk about your truth. I hope you can find someone, be it a therapist or close friend or family member, and talk.

The abuse is over. Jeff, this is true for you as well. You are both survivors and the worst is done. You are both safe. Now you just need to focus on yourselves and find some peace, which you both richly deserve.
_________________________
Suisse et libre
2015 WoR Hope Springs

Top
#485910 - 07/22/15 12:42 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1465
Loc: New York
Hey Lee (??? TRIGGERS ???)

I've been following this thread for a while and was thinking that I was never threatened with having my privates cut off. But I started thinking back in the way I was generally threatened with a knife or a barber's folding razor. This happened quite a few times when I was being used to make porn movies when I was 14-15. I was tied completely naked to a support column in the house with my hands tied over my head. One of the men there would take the razor and start shaving my face and neck, I didn't grow hair on my face til I was 23. He was constantly reminding me that I was going to be a good boy. He would then use the back of the razor and run it down my chest, abdomen, push in my belly button and finally stopped at my privates. He grabbed my privates and started shaving what little hair I had there at the time clean off. After shaving he started playing with my privates using the back of the razor and telling me while he played with my privates that I should be a good boy because he would hate to make a mistake accidently. I guessed at the time that he was referring to my privates.

That whole torture scene took a long time, I really don't know how long but it seemed like an eternity. Then they gave me over to the two women to get me washed up, sobered up, fed and brought back to where they picked me up. Every Tuesday when I went to them I was always threatened with disappearing. I was always scared of that since I never saw any other child (6-12) more than once and this whole movie business lasted a year. I never knew what ever happened to those kids. Were they killed or sold? There were so many kids that I was forced to make movies with I still wonder today what happened to them all.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#485960 - 07/23/15 05:16 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3968
Loc: settling in the USA again
Jeff -

i can relate to the fear of being cut - but never was my life threatened. it hurts to think that was done to you. amazingly, i was not triggered by reading your story. i had very strong feelings of empathy - but not the personal panic that used to accompany reading things like this or seeing certain scenarios on TV or in videos. guess i've made some significant progress.

when i was a freshman in college, some of the guys on the floor of the dorm i lived in had a grudge to settle with another guy who they felt had dissed them. they captured him and dragged him onto our floor, stripped him and "shaved" his privates, all the time warning him that he'd better not move or struggle, or there could be an "accident." he was terrified - and so was i. it all happened just outside my door while i hid inside. it turned out there was no blade in the "razor" that they used. they just wanted to scare him - which was successful. it all seemed so very real while it was happening. i was very careful not to cross anyone and to lay low as much as possible for quite some time after that.

i am so glad you survived your traumatic past. thanks for responding.

Lee


Edited by traveler (07/23/15 05:19 PM)
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

Top
#485984 - 07/24/15 09:51 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1465
Loc: New York
Hey Lee

This (and other) thread keep bringing out shit that was done to me as one way of scaring the shit out of me and the reminding me of how easy I could be for me to just disappear one day. It was one of the ways these movie people kept me in line. But reading the posts here make me believe that if they wanted they could have castrated me and make a film of me bleeding to death. Yes I do believe in snuff films and the movies made of me and other children was only one small step away from creating them. Disposing of bodies, never to be found was not a big problem for these guys. For example you could add the body of a child inside a casket of a real funeral. That kid is now untraceable. Sick isn't it.

I realize that there were many ways they used to play with and torture me by doing something with my privates, shit that would be too graphic to post. But I see how all those "playful" acts revolved around the theme of castration as a way of selling movies. There was "stuff" that I was forced to do to young children (six years and up) when I was 14-15 and young children were forced to do to me. A good part of those films revolving around castration or maybe just making really fucked up movies of us "kids"doing something to each other's privates. I have to add that there were also freakish looking bodybuilders with muscles bulging out of their noses that were probably paid to do shit to us.

This is only a year in my life that was horrific and painful for me and the other kids. I don't remember anything about my life before 9 and from then until I got out of the USAF at 21 I was being prostituted until I finally got out of the game. The bodybuilders were worse than animals and they made johns look like angels.

Even though I get very triggered when a thread like this appears I realize that I need them to get through my own demons and try and get on with a "normal" life. Something I still can't believe is attainable.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#486156 - 07/29/15 01:05 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 377
Loc: Europe
I don't think I was ever threatened with castration. I'm sure I wasn't. I have wondered about chemical castration as an elective procedure, though never considered it a real option since I am married. I used to harm my own genitals daily or several times a day. Very confusing and very painful. I think it had a lot to do with anger and self blame for the abuse, especially at arousal from the abuse. I tried several times to quit, and failed several times. I finfinally managed, and have refrained for a few years now but I still have to stay on guard and sometimes I wonder if I caused permanent damage that hurt our chances of having more children. That would be do unfair to my wife
.
_________________________
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

Top
Page 4 of 4 < 1 2 3 4

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.