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#391381 - 03/29/12 04:51 PM Re: Are you your story? [Re: traveler]
Dan99 Offline

Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Washington DC
Wow, what a set of questions. Some of these issues I've worked on, like not being defined by my story.

But I repeatedly find myself stalled at exactly this point of trying to figure out who I *really* am. I've stumbled along for years cleaning up addictions and getting straight with life. I've grappled with anger and forgiveness and acceptance of the past.

I feel like I've gone into a room and cleared away all the crap. But now what do I want to put in it? It's not fear of who I am that's my obstacle, it's an absence of finding anyone there at all once I dump the junk. And what makes me saddest of all is I'm beginning to think it's getting too late to ever figure it out in time for it to matter.
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

#391382 - 03/29/12 05:30 PM Re: Are you your story? [Re: Dan99]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
These questions are very insightful -- and scary to comtemplate.
But here goes.
I too, have been the type recently to tell my basic story to everyone I can. I don't know why I want to reveal it (just the basics - no details). Am I using my story as a crutch?
Also, I have recently felt that I want to pack my story away - close the hatch on it - bury it - whatever the fuck others have told us to do --------- now I want to do it also. And just move the FUCK on with my life (what my accountability partner told me yesterday).
Perhaps if I bury it again - it will die - and I can have a normal life (at least normal from the sense that I can go back to hiding and coping the way I found acceptable to me for 49 years).
I think my wife will be happier - I think my recovery buddies will appreciate it.
If I can just go back to being a porn addict and someone who cheats on his wife --- then the waters will calm. Who knows - maybe I can even stay clean from the acting out crap --- and not use porn (1 year sober again!)
Also, I have considering this week the following question to my wife: Would it make more sense economically for me get a seperation/divorce from you but keep supporting you for our remaining years? or would it work better if I just disappeared and you could collect my insurance benefits and retirement money?
Or maybe just putting the lid back on my CSA work -- and also reducing my SA recovery groups to one meeting a week - and discontinue counseling after my next visit - might be another acceptable option.
All of this stuff is floating around in my head -- as I take my Wellbutrin this morning (I don't think it is working so good).
Perhaps there are NO answers really.
Only questions.

#391498 - 03/30/12 09:46 AM Re: Are you your story? [Re: SamV]
Forexpreneur Offline

Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Originally Posted By: sasuva

"I am my healing" Alex, this is substantial recovery. I got chills reading it. It is remarkably well fitting to my own victory.

This statement is bigger than it seems, thank you.


Thank you very much Sam. I am so happy you find it to be inspiring for you. smile My T is so impressed with how well I am responding to therapy and I am too lately. We recently reviewed the difference in my thinking compared to just a short couple of months ago and I have been so caught up with healing I didn't realize how much of a change I had truly made. I was so happy to see the difference. smile

#391500 - 03/30/12 09:52 AM Re: Are you your story? [Re: traveler]
Forexpreneur Offline

Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Originally Posted By: traveler

... and i really truly like you, too, Alex! you inspire me.


Thank you Lee.

That sounds like a really good therapy excercise to write out the "untold stories". I like that idea a lot. It gives a positive direction to work towards as you are healing. I think we all need to do that as CSA survivors because ultimately that is why we want to heal. We want to be as healthy as possible and to have as healthy of a life as possible. wink

#391511 - 03/30/12 01:33 PM Re: Are you your story? [Re: traveler]
Dewey Offline

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 140
Loc: the sunshine state
HHmm, "Untold Stories".....,

Yeah, I heard about that book. It was written by someone other than myself. It looked very good so I ordered it. I've been waiting here by the mailbox for what seems like forever.
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning-

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