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#39137 - 04/19/05 07:56 AM Open to thoughts, feedback on this one..
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12086
Loc: Denver, CO
I have a sister who has recently enlightened me of SA put upon her by of all people, my dad. It could have been worse, but any is bad enough. This happened some 30+ years ago. She told me how she told our mom about it 3 months after it happened. Mom confronted dad about it and he denied it. Mom told my sister they concluded she was just trying to get attention. In short, my sister was not believed by and it was denied by dad. This is the same mom who did all the bizarre crap in view of her kids, including a particularly vivid and nasty incident (more than once?) with the family mutt. I have found out that all four of her kids have witnessed this at one time or another.

Here is my mom who shared about her SA with me a few years ago, then I find out later she didn't believe her own daughter, my sister! I am so pissed at this woman - my mother. She is so double-sided and warped, I could just explode!

Mom is coming into town in a couple weeks. I wish she wouldn't, but I can't exactly tell her that. Part of me plays this game of keeping things general and at ease on the outside, while internally I keep my defenses up in her presence. My best defense with her is to have as little conversation as possible, and make myself scarce when I can get away with it. How would she like it if I told her that she was just trying to get attention when sharing her SA with me?!? I guess the trouble back then was if mom believed what happened to my sister it would have meant a divorce, which would have aggravated an already broken household.

Feedback is requested, welcome.

Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#39138 - 04/19/05 08:18 AM Re: Open to thoughts, feedback on this one..
LostinPA Offline

Registered: 04/04/05
Posts: 120
Loc: Lancaster, PA
Former Colorado Texan,
Seems to me that you have come up with some pretty good solutions to your own question. Several in fact. First you make a comment, "I could just explode", well do that. Explode! Then you say your "best defense is to have as little converstion with her as possible" , well do that. Have the minimalist conversation you can with her but get your point across. Finally you say, "how would she like it if I told her she was trying to get attention when sharing her story of SA", well do that. Let her feel what that comment feels like. You can try to stop giving her all the power if you follow your own advice I think. I know it is easy to give advice when it comes to dealing with a parent quite another to do it. So, trust yourself and do what you need to do to take of you and now also stand up for your sister. Good luck with this painful situation. I will keep you in thought.


#39139 - 04/19/05 09:16 AM Re: Open to thoughts, feedback on this one..
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi FT,

Families can be shit, can't they? Your post struke a nerve with me, since my mother is being a bitch again lately as well. My wife is ready to tear into her, and I'm not sure how much longer she's going to restrain herself. I know that eventually, all this mess is going to have to resolve itself. I know I can't keep drifting along like this. Do you feel the same way? Frustrated, feeling controlled, like they think they have some given right to do this?

My mother knows that she has lost that control over me, and it really pisses her off. The world no longer revolves around her, and she is pretty angry about that. My only advise is to stiffen your resolve against her, to not allow yourself to be used by her, and to not allow her to regain control over you. It will cause some hard feelings, I'm sure, but in some cases, that's not necessarily a bad thing.


#39140 - 04/19/05 01:57 PM Re: Open to thoughts, feedback on this one..
phoster Offline

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
i think it is easier for parents to label the kid a liar than to face reality. to face the abuse means divorce, pain and suffering. to call your sister a liar meant your sister hurt, but no one went to jail. the family didnt break up, your mom got what she wanted. the big loser is your sister. i'm afraid i've heard it all too many times, and in every case not being believed hurts more than the abuse. be good to your sister. i'm sure this is really hurting her.

compassion is a light even to the darkest soul


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