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#39134 - 06/11/03 10:43 AM Re: rambling
ernie Offline

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Though my dad was not my sexual abuser, he was a pro at other abuse namely verbal and some psyical. I can remember one time when he said he loved me that was on a visit the last time I saw him alive. Seemed like I could never quite measure up to what he expected. I wanted to learn to play football very badly but I was sure that my body looked different than everyone elses because of the SA from his brother. So, I chose instead to join "the girlie band" as he called it. I excelled in chorus and played a fair trumpet. I enjoyed it and didn't have to shower after a concert so everyone would see I was different. When I went on to college to be the first in my family to graduate, he didn't come to my graduation, I could not forgive him for this. It hurt badly. Now at age 58, I have visited his grave, in my mind and in my heart I have spoken out, told him how his brother abused me, how my SA effected my entire life and that of my family. I do know one thing for sure. The example he set did not apply to my raising my own family, I took the time, I encouraged their growth and have 3 of the best kids anyone could ask for. I can look at it now as his loss, I was there just needed a bit of his time and love and the freedom of telling him what his f****** brother and others did to me without fear of being pushed aside.

The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

#39135 - 06/11/03 09:51 PM Re: rambling
fragile37 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 7
This may be difficult for some to understand and maybe that me being treated as someone who asked for it by Social Services at age 15 was correct. At 15 came my realization this life with my dad had to end. It was an end to my comfort and my feeling of safe. Be it that yes what occured was wrong or I would not have taken steps to stop the relationship with my dad. It is my morals that got the best of me and my quest to change the situation even if it was not my real desire. To suddenly cut yourself off from something that I felt was special and only dad could make me feel like nothing else mattered. The SA did stop dead in its tracks and yet I denied myself of the last moments in his life to do what was needed most. I wanted to lay by his side and just hug him and kiss him and say its alright dad and I love you. I cannot look at anything anymore in my life as being wrong only that I have been blessed with a friend I recently met. He has been what I have needed for the last 22 years. This is the toughest month of the year for me to endure and always has been but with that came a blessing from God this time. I found someone so special that I can feel what I have not for so so long. PTSD can sometimes sneak in but it only reverts to the finality of it all. To carry him to the grave and for those who knew the real me were few. I needed to scream at all of them so bad and say why could this family allow this to go on and on and on. No one should have these feelings placed upon them by situations throughout their life. Amazing that not a one ever said "im sorry to me" not even my step mother who hated me because I had sex with her husband. I wanted to be buried with him that day and in a way I was that day.

#39136 - 06/12/03 02:06 AM Re: rambling
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I did have the opportunity to tell my dad I forgave him and within 9 months he died. I am so thankful I did it. I see your pain Fragile I really do.

There is one thing that struck me as terrific and that was

I cannot look at anything anymore in my life as being wrong only that I have been blessed with a friend I recently met. He has been what I have needed for the last 22 years.
That is what everyone needs and I am so glad you have it. Remember this month will pass Fragile so be gentle with yourself. You can talk to your dad you know because a part of him resides within you.
Your brother wolf Mike




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