when i was very young, i don't remember how old, my oldest brother used to take me in the back woods of our neighborhood. he would use his drugs, mostly pot, later cocaine, and try to seduce me into trying new things. he eventually did, asking me to climb a tree with him to turn me on to pot. if i only knew what he was trying to do. he eventually came to my room one night, after teaching me how to masturbate in the woods, and carried me like a bride to his bedroom where he told me he wanted to make love to me. does a 5 year old even know what that means. so he did as he pleased and when he was done told me he loved me. what the f, how does that show love. he continued to groom and condition me for years. using pot as a tool to control me. if i wanted to get high, i had to conform. if i had only been able to saw something. now, in my 40s, i am seriously suffering from the affects of the abuse. my marriage is all but done. my wife is not supportive of this and tells me i am to blame and it all my fault. i am not to talk about it, or mention it in any way. she has told me that i am to forget it ever happened and that it was wrong of me to let that happen. i know she is wrong. the thing is she is my only support. my family are all abusers and cant help me. i have given up most of my friendships in exchange for a new life. and there are no support groups for csa's in my area. i do how ever have an excellent counselor. the worst part of this is that me and my wife have a 3 year old son and she is now claiming that she is afraid i am going to perpetrate him. how am i to get though this? she is on pot, suffers from ptsd, has trust issues and wont see a counselor. i cant make her change and don't wish to make her. all i want is some one to hold me and tell me its OK and that they love me and i want it to be her. i have expressed this first though a rational expression and progressing into yelling and screaming. i know what happened in in no way my fault. i did nothing to deserve it. and in no way am i to blame for any of it. the person responsible should be jailed for life and punished to the fullest extent of the law. no one should have to go through this.

Edited by ModTeam (03/28/12 04:24 PM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added.