Newest Members
dWite, Kwozzi, Nathan James, lilgas69, Humfrey
13133 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
intochange (60), melnjams (44), rage (29)
Who's Online
3 registered (manipulated, 2 invisible), 18 Guests and 8 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,133 Registered Members
75 Forums
68,099 Topics
474,298 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#391031 - 03/27/12 03:40 PM What a waste of time...
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
***********Possible Triggering***************

I just gotta say this. Yesterday and last night, I got back into the qestion of did it happen or not. Was I used or not. So, I started looking for the only place I could think of to find hard evidence, which was on the web in all the wrong places. Note, I don't look anywhere that I think there might be some sort of evidence...looking for vintage porn from the time that I was abused. Of course, I didn't find anything. gets boring looking, and triggering.

So, what happens today? I go to a lunch meeting and listen to this speaker. He starts talking about becoming interested in film-making when he was young and how he and his dad went out and bought an 8mm movie camera so he could start making films. For a minute, luckily, only a minute, I started squirming in my seat and feeling very strange. That's gone, but Its still haunting me now.

This is not a threat. I swear it's not. But now all I want to do is just go somewhere, anywhere. I want to find a dark corner, crawl into it, curl up and die. God! I just want my life to be over so I can find some peace. Why the fuck do I have to live trhough this crap? Wheat did I do to deserve this except try to do the right things growing up?

Ok, I am done for now. gotta work.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

Top
#391042 - 03/27/12 06:10 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3772
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jim, are you OK?
You sounds like all survivors with their struggles, there is no doubt of that, evidence is here...
I hope you are much better now!
_________________________
My story

Top
#391056 - 03/27/12 06:32 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: peroperic2009]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Not ok, but better. Thanks.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

Top
#391058 - 03/27/12 07:22 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Jim, I wish for all our sakes that once we move beyond a point of healing, we would keep moving forward. Unfortunately that isn't the way it is, is it? I feel so sorry that you are having to go through such pain. i wish I could reach out and calm those feelings, but... the best i can offer is empathy.
_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#391059 - 03/27/12 07:38 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: dancr6]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
JIM - you are like a mirror of me. I have felt and done the same thing. and the vintiage thing - exactly!!! it takes me back in both very bad - triggering - emotional ways and also gets me more aroused physically than anything else. yeah - i was looking for reassurance that my memories - my story - was possible - even true - and not a unique one-off sort of freak occurrance. seeking normalcy in an abnormal context - crazy - huh? and i still go through mental debates over not only did it happen - but also was it really as bad as i make it out to be or was i just a paranoid, hypochondriac, martyr-complex wimp... it is exhausting!

This is the best tool i've found for affirmation - right here on these forums!!!

Hold on, bro! you're gonna make it!
Lee
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

Top
#391080 - 03/27/12 10:26 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: traveler]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Thanks guys. I appreciate it. I really could not believe I had such a huge reaction (for me) to just hearing somebody mention an 8mm camera.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

Top
#391082 - 03/27/12 10:33 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I just reread my first post in this thread. Last part of paragraph one makes no sense. What I was trying to say is I don't look at any places where there would be kids. I look at the vintage stuff from early 1970s to see if I might be in any of those films. So far, haven't found anything. Don't know what I would do if I did.

Oh well, just wanted to clear that up.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

Top
#391129 - 03/28/12 02:09 AM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
(((((((Jim)))))))))
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.