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#389285 - 03/14/12 08:45 PM abuse as an adult
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
What I am about to write will hopefully not only be an account of my life's journey but, also will give inspiration to others to write about their life's journey. Some who read this will have nothing more to do with me.

For the last 22 years, (yes, some of you will say "wtf" 22 years) I have lived to recreate the abuse. I have sought out others to abuse me. Man on Man sex was were life was at for me. I have been addicted to alcohol and sex. The more abusive the sex - the better. Even if I bled, it was a sign of relief - a sense of accomplishment. I sought out the worst.

I am not sure how many men I have been sexual with. I have "buried" several men for which I have been sexual with who became my friends. Only one did I know was a victim did I continue to be friends with until his death in 2006.

He was a victim. He was never a survivor like us. He admitted to me that he was a victim of sexual abuse by his uncle. As the saying goes in AA - he continued drinking and sexualizing himself "into" to the pit of death. Yes, you read it right - DEATH.

I write this post as a first step in my recovery of the abuse from childhood into adulthood.

I know this forum was created for those men who are survivors of abuse as adults. I am here to say there are those of us men who were abused as children who have gone on to seek out abuse from men (and women too) as adults.


aka DJsport

#389409 - 03/16/12 12:12 AM Re: abuse as an adult [Re: Avery46]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
Every man's journey is his own, and his alone. We all walk our own path, we all walk the path which we are able to. We all walk different paths that might at times intersect with others, but in the end, every man's journey is his and his alone, no one else's.

You do as you feel you must, you will heal at your own pace. I have found that sometimes sharing your journey with others can help ourselves as well as those who might happen along to read it or observe parts of it.

What you wrote here took a lot of courage to write. Admitting to our faults and shortcomings is never easy, and the fact that you wrote it speaks volumes for your strengths.

Keep on your journey, Avery. You will get where you want to go eventually. Stay on the path you have started on, and I for one hope you have great success with it.


Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

#389734 - 03/19/12 02:18 AM Re: abuse as an adult [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA

Thanks for your reply. I still can't express my feelings or the happenings as an adult. I am a survivor of both CSA and ASA. For me, the happenings of both as so mixed up together.

I will never get the s&%@ out from the ASA. "It" happened at least once a week for the better part of 20 years.

I get frustrated at times. I am working on finding me.
My mind has blocked out alot of what happened as an adult. I guess that is why I drank so much.

Edited by Avery46 (03/19/12 09:38 PM)
aka DJsport

#389825 - 03/19/12 09:44 PM Re: abuse as an adult [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Avery46
...My mind has blocked out alot of what happened as an adult. I guess that is why I drank so much.

I struggle with what happened to me as an adult as I believe alot of the times - I deserved it.

I wonder if this belief (about deserving it) is what men have experienced only ASA vs those of us who experienced both CSA and ASA.

I had a friend (I say had because he disowned me) who is a CSA survivor who drinks and has lots of violent abusive sex.


aka DJsport

#389874 - 03/20/12 04:50 AM Re: abuse as an adult [Re: Avery46]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2242
Hi Avery,

I hear your pain, and I hear your rage.

I want to say this loud and clear:


Not you, not me, not anyone here, and not those who need to be here but have not yet found us.


The feelings you have about "deserving it" are not specific to ASA vs. CSA or those who experienced both.

It could very well be the fact that you feel that way more about the abuses you experienced as an adult. Many of us who were repeatedly abused as adults feel that way. We blame ourselves.

We berate ourselves with thoughts such as "I should have known better," "I should have stopped it," etc.

I would say you drank to block things out, not the other way around.

Blocking the thoughts, memories and feelings is a mechanism of self protection. The mind can only handle so much trauma, so we block out painful things.

I hope you are in therapy to help you with these very difficult and painful issues.

I also hope you are no longer engaging in sexual activity that is harmful to you, both emotionally and physically.

It does get better.


Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#390673 - 03/25/12 03:05 PM Re: abuse as an adult [Re: Avery46]
theredhairedcrow Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 20
Loc: Germany
I can certainly empathize with your feelings. I suffered years of child sexual abuse from multiple people, and then as a nineteen year old was set up by a former female friend because of a slight she felt I gave her, since she knew I was gay, she had three soldiers rape me while she watched. Later when I went into the hospital to deal with my mental state afterwards, while on their drugs, I was repeatedly molested by one of the resident doctors. Even without the rest, those latter experiences of wanting to protest but couldn't because I was too out of it, created this thing in me that...would/could submit to anyone.

As a child I had built a "core" is what I call it, a place to protect myself and my spirit when I was being abused, and through my middle teens, I felt stronger, but with the betrayal by woman and doctor, it nearly destroyed that core. I sought out those who would abuse and have no remorse, I let them. Or I sought those who were themselves broken, so the abuse wasn't just sexual it was emotional, as I let them treat me horribly, because I felt it represented what I thought of myself. Conversely, I was very dismissive to other partners, who genuinely did try to care for me. It was like I couldn't let anyone be nice to me because it might allow me to hope and believe in love and goodness again. Things I'd lost belief in.

I have been celibate for several years now, simply because I recognized the tendency and wished to get it under control, though in "coping" I returned to alcoholism, which I've had to battle back out of again. I didn't drink to block things out, I knew how to do that. I drank to feel no emotions. I drank to help myself sleep, for in thirty years I still have not slept a night through.

So I agree, there can be abuse at the hands of others, but also abuse we sometimes seek out to "punish" ourselves. I had begun my memoir last year to detail my life, but placed it on-hold for a while as other aspects of life were very painful as well, for I have a son who is gay and has battled with suicidal ideations for years. Recently, the stress of it all, the memories: I have to finish my memoir. I can't hold it in any longer. I have to get it all out. I read a comment from someone the other day as "feeling so sorry for myself" memoirs, and it really disgusted me how insensitive it was. I consider it a healing step, whatever I feel or eventually write down.

I wish you very well on your healing journey.

"Always be kinder than necessary, you never know what someone is going through."-Anonymous Quote

My website, Songs of the Universal Vagabond,

My story on MS forums:

#390966 - 03/27/12 04:55 AM * [Re: theredhairedcrow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 08:51 PM)


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