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#399971 - 06/10/12 08:05 AM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
colours Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Everyone is the way they are for a reason! Our choices (and not making a choice is still a choice) our perceptions of self, others and relationships are all conditioned by experience. Inappropriate experience and exposure, i beleive very definately shapes who we "think" we are.

Due to my partners infedility I have ended up here also, while at this point in time he has not disclosed and infact states he was not abused, he has stated he had "lost his virginity" (his words) at 14 with a 23 year old woman and later his brother revealed he also "lost his virginity to same 23 year old married woman. Says abuse to me, his perception says otherwise.

I will try to make my story short but im afraid its not so sweet (at least to me because pain is relative). I ahve been in therapy on and off over the course of my life, i think the youngest was when i was about 14 or 15 (a memory that has only now just come back) I have now been in therapy for i think about 3 months after i suffered a melt down of sorts because my partner had agreed to go through IVF with me and get married. Sounds strange huh, well he had cheated on me twice in the past and had made a half arsed attempt at therapy with me for about 3 sessions after the last affair. My self esteem was through the floor and i didnt know who i was or what i wanted, I got a hold of some Dr Phil books, and no matter how hard i tried i could not answer any of the questions. i.e. when was the last time you were truly happy?? UMMMMM Never that i can remember. I wanted my life to end or CHANGE, i honestly was too scared to end it myself incase i botched it. So off to the Psychologist i went, cant end it so i HAD TO CHANGE it. I went in to the psychologist and really didnt even let her get a word in not even to say hi and introduce herself. I told her I wanted to change or I wanted out, and out wasnt an option. I dont want to whine about what happened last week i can do that for free with the neighbour, my life and relationships have had the same negative characteristics and patterns for years, why??. Thats what i wanted to work on, no pussy footing around or mamby pambying me i need to get real. Im mid to late 30's by the way.

Deeply ashamed of sleeping around when i was in my late teens and early twenties, got married after hounding him for 7 years and finally telling him after he kissed another girl that if he didnt marry me i was gone, "I wasnt playing highschool romances here", left him after only a month of marriage as I didnt beleive he truly loved me and i didnt seem to belong there.

Straight out of that relationship and into the next one for 3 years, before he left me for a 19 year old, when he left he told me that i gave him heart palpatations because i was forever making him prove his love for me, begged him to come back he didnt and left with about $25,000 of my money due to poor choices i made with my own finances to fix his financial situation.

And now my current relationship where i seemed to be dealing with a serial cheat who has affairs and visits prostitutes. In all of these relatioships i was basically willing to become whoever they wanted me to be, i would abuse my own core values, give my power over myself and my responsibility for myself to them. I.E I would sell my car so they could have what they wanted, then they had to know how much i loved them right??

My Father was an alcaholic and was emotionally abusive and while i know that he called me names such as slut etc when i was a teenager (before i was even sexually active) I dont actually have a memory of it. Until recently (last week) i really couldnt remember much of my chilhood prior to about 18.

So now I'm with current partner who on the first occassion i caught him being unfaithful, approx 3 years into our relationship, i begged and pleaded with him to return home and stop seeing her, he left for her and i basically sold my soul to get him to return, i told her that we had gotten engaged the week before he met her aqnd even faxed her copies of the receipts among other things like bank statements and telephone records just to get her out of the way so we could have a chance. After he did return more stories of infidelity and prostitutes prior to this affair came out, he cheated on his wife before me and had a girlfriend when he met me. ( i didnt know) We moved in together fast within the first 3 months of our relationship. As far as i was concerned none of this now mattered the past was the past and i had caught him, cycle stopped right?? and he would have to know how much i loved him now that i was willing to stay right??

Nothing changed for him, he went on living life as per normal and i hit the bottle for a while, and put myself in a lot of very dangerous situations. And i knew they were dangerous i just didnt care. Thankfully I came to my senses of my own accord on this one and stopped drinking. Life went along we began to make life plans again, although i think most were my very strong suggestions and my partner half heartedly went along with them. 3 years later and my partneres father was jailed for molesting a young family member not long after this my whole family catches my partner engaging in some very suspicious behaviour with an extended female family member, (staying over night at her house when her husband wasnt home, covert phone calls text messages inexplicable and out of the oridinary behaviour from both of them) so off to relationship counselling we go, my boundaries for staying, we go three times and we have to move as he lost his job indirectly due to his sexual indiscretion (he only admits he had an emotional affair of sorts, my gut instinct says i know him better than that),i say i will move after talking with T who states that a new start would be good for us provided we continue with therapy, no worries partner agrees. We move and partner has every excuse a man or woman can think of in relation to why we cant go to therapy, cant get out of work, no money, no time etc etc

So recently my new T and I have been working on me, my question why do they all do it me, her answer why do you let them, why do you choose them, why cant you recognise behaviours in these men that would create warning signs to you( she was little more gentle than that) - but shes right! We began to help me find my identity, starting with my core values, she helped me realise that by not living by these values or sacrificing them for the love of my partner was abusing myself, by tolerating or allowing others to abuse them was still infact abusing my own core values. Hey presto I have a real start to a sense of myself again (probably actually for the first time in my life)

So the latest about 3 - 4 weeks ago he visits a TG prostitute, now I KNOW this infidelity truly has nothing to do with me. I start searching for answers researching behaviour more, somehow identified behaviours that he displays that could be the cause of CSA, speak to Specialist Psychologist in Male CSA, more research more reading more watching Oprah videos etc I was and still am like a sponge for knowledge. I want to help him, want to fix him, want him happy,etc etc some of these have changed, so while trying to get all this knowledge and understanding to help my PARTNER i start watching a tv show of Oprah interviewing some sexual offenders and BAM TRIGGERED, I have a very small fragment memory of a another little girl abusing me (yes it was abuse little girls dont know how to do certain things or get responses from certain body parts without being shown or having experienced it) from there the flood gates have opened and i have since recalled other sa incidents at about 10 and then later at 15 with a family member i loved and trusted dearly.

WHAT A SHOCK - I was not here for me, I was not researching for me, as far as i was concerned my blocked memory was to do with emotional abuse caused by my dad, not this.

The baggage i have unintentionally and up until very recently unknowingly brought into this relationship is mammoth, i know now.

To name just a few:

Poor self esteem for as long as i could remember, placing my self worth in the hands of others to dictate if i was worthy or not, self sacrificing to be loved or liked, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of rejection hmmm im sure there are others. Did i bring it in willingly - NO, am I the cause of my partners infidelity - NO He has the choice on how to deal with my faults, behavioural flaws, infidelity is not a mature or responsible way to deal with whatever problems i bring to the relationship. Do i understand his problems, i'd like to say i have a base knowledge or understanding of the problem and causes and yes im still a sponge but now im sponging for me as well as him. Has his infidelity got anything to do with me and my BAGGAGE - HELL NO. Is it a problem - HELL YES are working on it, I cant answer for him but indications are better than they have ever been. For me YES I AM MY MOST IMPORTANT PROJECT EVER!

#400166 - 06/12/12 01:25 AM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Anniemy4sons Offline

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Colours - It is interesting that you chose this topic to post on. Unbeknownst to you, the particular person who started this post, posted it to purposely hurt and harm some of the wives on this forum. You see, for a period of time, we wives/partners were at a place wherein we were pinpointed all of the damage infidelity harmed our relationships. This person in particular took offense to our posts and decided to strike back with a number of posts and pm's to shut us up or shut us down. We did not back down, but left the board. Only to occasionally stop by. Tonight I stopped by and saw your post.
I must say that I am happy that you are turning this particularly ugly meaning posting into something meaningful.
I would like to recommend a book for you, it is called "Codependent No More". This is only a start but read it and see how much of yourself you see in this book. Next, you need to put every ounce of energy you have into YOU. Save yourself. Until you fix you, you will continue to find these same men and continue the same cycle. None of them can be helped unless they want to be helped. BUT YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT. You have a lot of issues that you need to deal with so you can live a happy life. I know it is hard but stop concentrating on men like this and concentrate on you. LOVE YOU because you are worth it.
It is so much easier to give of yourself... "COLOUR" EVERYONE ELSE'S WORLD when you should be coloring your own.
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day.


#400192 - 06/12/12 06:38 AM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
colours Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Hey Annie, i too struggle with the same issues that wife does with a csa partner (well at this point i struggle with behaviour that is caused by csa, whether in fact it was caused by csa is still yet to be confirmed). I started therapy myself to work on me for me before my partners latest indescretion, thank heavens.

I disagree that the original post was only to have a jibe at the partners and wives on here. I think the original post is very much along the exact same lines of your message to me, my perception anyway. I am working on me, infact the work i have been doing is exactly what shows me what my baggage is, i need to take responsibility for my behaviour to, i am happy to admit i have baggage as we all do, though just as the original poster implied im not sure we are all happy to admit what our baggage is. Yes I have identified behaviours in myself that are not healthy for me, they have nothing to do with my partner i brought them with me, an invisible suit case load of them in the back of the car when i drove into this relationship. As did he, is it fair or right to be asking them to face their fears, do their work, look at the ugly truths about themselves if we cannot do it ourselves. No judgment here but i am wondering as to what "work" it is you wish for me to do?? Be specific, if you mean and ill put this bluntly, stroke my own ego, tell myself i dont need to change im fine the way i am, just be happy, its all his fault i feel the way i do because he cheats on me, then im sorry but i just cant do that.

You are right the key to my happiness is me, yes some of the behavioural problems that my partner has, particularly his infidelity have fed into some of my own (allready preconceived prior to our relationship) beleifs about myself. However, it is my choice to be happy, it is a choice, identifying and what my own negative or unhealthy behaviour is, is very important in working on me, i dont think it hurts for the guys here who are allready suffering immeasurable guilt for some of their behaviour, to see that, "you know what, we aint bloody perfect either" but we are only being the best we know how to be. UNTIL - until we learn different, at the moment that is exactly what i am doing, im learning different, i have identified (i hope most of) my unhealthy behaviour/"baggage", and learning how to change it - FOR ME not for my partner, not so that he'll stop cheating on me, not so that he'll love me more, so that i love me more, so that i like and know who i am at the core, so that i can live my life being true to myself and happy!

Who am I?? I am a female that is trustworthy, i am honest, i am compassionate, i am kind, i have integrity, i have faith, i am respectful. just some of the core values that make me ME.

Abuse it and Lose it. If i abuse these core values i abuse myself, if other abuse those core values and I ALLOW them (because i am an adult now and i have a choice) then i am still abusing myself. If dont share these gifts of me (values) with others i am still abusing what makes me, me. my definition of abuse: something done/inflicted or infact withheld with INTENT.

Wouldnt it be wonderful though if I could say,

"dear partner if you just stop cheating on me my life will be fixed and i will be happy"

I know that is not true, i know that that is a double standard

Wouldnt it be wonderful if my partner could say:

"Colours, you know if you would just be perfect i wouldnt have to cheat any more"

I know that is not true, i know that that is a double standard

It takes two to tango!!

I have been frequenting the chat room here of late, and have met some amazing people who have given me some great insight into their journeys, which dont seem to far removed from my own. I really want to applaud their courage and their honesty for being so frank with me about how they feel, their experience and their non judgemental views of my feelings and experience.

To the man who wrote this original post: - Thankyou i am not sure what your intention was, but you certainly gave me the opportunity to examine myself and what i bring to the table, if your intent was to criticize, well thats good too, i'll take it as constructive and use it to work for ME and not AGAINST me. Bring on the challenge i say, im challenging the way i think and my perceptions on anything and everything anyway, thanks for providing yet another opportunity to do so.

Baggage in any form is just a weight we carry that stops us from living the life we all deserve. CSA, non CSA, Partners, Friends, family and basically any living breathing human being.

Annie, I also thankyou for support and encouragement to helping me be a better me, i hope your journey is a short one to the place where you want to be.

And ofcourse I am not infallible either, i rant and whine about life at times to, so far that hasnt fixed a darn thing for me, but i do still indulge in it occassionally, I am not perfect, i do make mistakes, and thats ok. I am also very new to this, so i welcome anybodys brutally honest views, comments or suggestions.

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