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#390006 - 03/21/12 12:27 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: Darrick]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
No physical violence unless you would include STDs...

Psychological and emotional abuse - to the point where my T thinks I have PTSD.

But when I finally said "this home is no longer your home", he fell apart, seems to have ended the affair and has been completely different since. So I contemplate your analysis...

15 years good, 1 year bad, 1 year HORRIFIC....

#390012 - 03/21/12 12:45 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: Esposa]
mike13 Offline

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Esposa you truly have a heart of gold. I had to finally end my silence about my CSA to help save my daughters friend who was drowning in a sea of deep depression because of five years of rape by her older sisters boyfriend. I have never cheated with on my wife with another person, but my fantisy world that only exists inside is another story. We both have been afraid to talk about that and the future because the future we invisioned together seems to be in jepordy. Last night we were home alone and we were able to have a nice long talk. Sure we have issues that we are struggling with but we are not as bad off as we both thought we were. I didn't know what stage your relationship is with your husband but I know I caused need less suffering for both my poor wife and myself by avoiding questions about our future together after I disclosed my CSA. I can't erase last year because it is in the past but I can promise myself to try and make each and everyday from now on better that the day before. Just something to think about Mike

#390013 - 03/21/12 12:54 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: herowannabe]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: esposa
I now hold all of the details of my husband's abuse and I ache for that little boy and I am in awe of my husband's strength.... but then there's that little issue of his infidelity.....
I would recommend weighing your love for him in light of those two issues, then go with the one that serves you most. And DON'T blame yourself for your choice.

You will be in my thoughts.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
now ... for another matter
Originally Posted By: herowannabe
... but I remain blown away by the selfish, cruel, hateful, egostistical men who have taken their childhood trauma and made US pay for it. I struggle to be loving and supportive and understanding and blah, blah, blah. The truth is that if the tables were turned, and it was you and me who acted out our childhood trauma (which we both have) on our husbands, they'd be LONG gone. So much for support. It's a woman's job to suck it up and give; it's a man's job to take. And take. And take.
Fortunately not ALL men are that way. My wife is also a survivor, and I have stood by her side since her disclosure, through all her "acting-out" - most of which I haven't even come close to doing.

as for "selfish, cruel, hateful, egostistical men who have taken their childhood trauma and made US pay for it"... well ... I'd personally rather have no support than be "helped" by someone who thought I was any of those things because of lack of any understanding of the type of pain this is, or what it does to our ability to cope. At this point a survivor may need to be "selfish" to restore any self-worth. And as for "cruel" or "hateful" ... might I suggest a mirror?

then last, but certainly not least:
Originally Posted By: herowannabe
I will remove this post, if it's troubling to sensitive minds.
...very understanding. fire a round into the crowd, then after someone is wounded or murdered, offer to take back the bullet.

Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011

#390014 - 03/21/12 12:57 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: lucylives]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: lucylives

This will be unpopular but our husbands were perpetrated on and then they turned around and perp'ed on us.

I suppose its true...what you say here. I did not disclose the presence of the bomb when I should have.

All I would hope is that no one uses the abuse and myths and such as a whipping-stick on the survivor. Sometimes its the attorney who demands leveraging it.

I have no idea how I survived that aspect of the divorce.

#390023 - 03/21/12 02:23 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: Still]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Hi Robbie, not using myths as a whipping stick on the survivor. This has been my experience. No myth here. I wish I just had the myths to contend with.

#390024 - 03/21/12 02:23 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: MarkK]
phoenix321 Offline

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
MarkK, would you find that is was maybe easier for your wife and you to handle each other's CSA? Since Esposa didn't have that experience in her past, it could be harder for her to support her husband with CSA.

Esposa, I'm sorry he gave you those things. I can see how an STD would be a major betrayal besides the affair. That's horrible.

Hero, I certainly get what you're going through. My mom did. My sperm donor didn't have CSA as an "excuse" for anything though. He was just worthless and rotten. It sucks.


A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

#390026 - 03/21/12 02:32 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: phoenix321]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I'd personally rather have no support than be "helped" by someone who thought I was any of those things because of lack of any understanding of the type of pain this is, or what it does to our ability to cope. At this point a survivor may need to be "selfish" to restore any self-worth. And as for "cruel" or "hateful" ... might I suggest a mirror?

Mark is this a joke? Does a survivors lack of the ability to cope make it ok to put our lives at risk?

Might I suggest a mirror?

Sorry esposa, don't want to hijack your post but this has to be a joke.

CSA is not an excuse and we have been hurt beyond belief by these betrayals. Should we just turn around and say, OH, it is ok, you didn't know how to cope so it is ok to lie , cheat and betray. It is also ok to put my life at risk cause you didn't know how to cope.

Is it fair to group all survivors in this category? Absolutely not but for those that have acted in these ways to us that are incomprehensible, why don't you give us a break. We are supposed to understand and give compassion, where is ours?

#390034 - 03/21/12 03:45 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: lucylives]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Ahhhhh.... this is the tug of war in my own head.

How could you knowingly and willfully expose me to death? I had the lovely opportunity to beg, on my knees in tears, that he promise promise promise to use condoms with me if I was at risk - and he promised - and did the opposite.

But this is the same man who lovingly held my babies when they came into the world, the same man who was my partner and friend. How can we explain such risk taking and callousness? Above all, how can we explain such SELF HATE if it were not for the CSA?

I know that CSA is not an excuse because not all survivors risk their wives' lives - but when they do, is CSA not a component of the flawed decision making and the unhealthy approaches to sex??

#390043 - 03/21/12 04:50 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: Esposa]
eyesforward Offline

Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Esposa, I'm having to deal with this question in a very different way than you are (suicide loss vs. infidelity loss), but I am dealing with it nonetheless. One way that helps me think about it:

When I'm scared, can I experience joy or anything other than fear? When I'm angry, am I present to being loving or any other emotion than anger? And along that same line of thinking ...

When a survivor is in pain and living inside brutal self-doubt, can he feel love of or for others?

At times, I saw my survivor in incredible torment. I held him as he wept and his body was wracked with heaving sobs. It didn't matter that he had found things in his life that he loved to do, where he felt more alive than he had almost ever. It didn't matter that everyone he ever met was happy to see him again. It didn't matter that I loved him or that he loved me. None of it mattered; it just didn't. All he could think of was about wanting the pain to end.

People are in various stages of development, acquiring skills and strength to be aware of, cope with, and manage these horrific after-effects of their abuse. Making people wrong when they're hurting has never produced anything useful for me or for them. Believe me I've tried. shocked All I could do as a supporter is assess whether I could live with where my survivor was over a given period of time. If the answer was "No I can't live with this," then it was up to me to communicate responsibly and kindly and take action to meet my needs. Simple but almost never easy.

#390049 - 03/21/12 05:24 PM Re: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [Re: eyesforward]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Eyes, love this line....

When I'm scared, can I experience joy or anything other than fear?

So true. Unfortunately for me the fear is so great. Fear that it will happen again, fear that I will never be able to trust again, fear I will never be able to trust myself again and fear for my life.

Trying to stay present helps and not too much thought of the future or the past. A very hard way to live, though. Keeping a gratitude list helps too but then I am afraid I will live happily while all this is going on around me and not know (like my life pre discovery)

U have had such a rough time, Eyes. i really admire your strength and honesty. you are amazing and I am so glad you have come back.

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