There are so many rich lessons in this! Where to begin?
First, I am so relieved that Whome, the beloved champion of survivors AND supporters, is NOT the fraud I was introduced to in this post! Whew!
I desperately seek SURVIVORS at MS in order to contrast them (you) with the VICTIMS and the ABUSERS as I gauge my husband's recovery. The trauma of his infidelity (which lead to the discovery/disclosure of his CSA) left me stripped of trust in my own judgement and perception of everything- but especially in regard to my understanding of the one person I thought I knew best. As I rebuild trust in my own ability to assess his recovery, the men of MS are my "flashcards". If I hold up a "Whome" flashcard and compare it to my beloved, I see similarities. Because I perceive and judge Whome to be on a healthy, honest, mature, loving path to wholeness,seeing what you model being modeled in my beloved helps me to trust the path he is on, and gives me hope and assurance that he has left behind the "victim" and "abuser" he was, and is a true survivor. If he is a survivor, I am safe to continue to support him; I am safe to trust in the future of our marriage.
With this fraud "Whome" post, you became, to me, the dangerous SOB who had deceived me for so long. You were revealed as an abuser- FAR from a survivor. Because "you" had shown me that, once again, I can not trust my judgement or perceptions, darned near the entire system of confidence and trust in my husband I'd built collapsed. If I could have been so wrong about Whome, then I am likely wrong about my husband; therefore, I am in danger!!! I hit the brakes, pulled tightly around me my "all-these-men-are-dangerous-pigs" armor and went into a bit of a tailspin. It took me a couple of days to separate my beloved from the "pack of dogs", and refocus on the very real changes he's accomplished. I'm sure I'm using too many words, as is my handicap (sorry), but this situation, though it was a HUGE trigger, provided a valuable lesson for me!
That having been said, I'm glad you are still you, Martin!
Now, more importantly,...how to help your howling-in-pain, suffering wife...? Your kind and gentle reflection on her actions are validation of your healing and growth. Truly, a victim of CSA can't become a survivor unless he/she can empathize lovingly with another's pain. Your comment above exemplifies your capacity for compassion! I have confidence in you, Martin, that you will see her "portrayal" of you for what it truly is: a call for help and a roadmap for what she desperately needs from you.
Ironically, as all of this unfolded in the background this week, some of the MS wives revealed amongst ourselves the ways we had "lost our minds" in dealing with the blows delivered by our husbands. We each revealed actions we'd taken that were fueled by the deepest rage and most profound pain we'd ever, EVER experienced. We agreed that we are ashamed of the things we did in response to that fury, and wholeheartedly shared the fact that our mental state, at that time, was positively terrifying to us (my eyes fill with tears as I remember being taken over by an insanity that left me physically sick and completely exhausted). If it will help your beloved, I am happy (though not proud) to tell her of the things I did, so perhaps she will come to understand her actions in posting as you, do NOT define her, but are merely a symptom of her very real pain.
So much more...! Such valuable lessons learned because of this! Thank you, Martin. Thank you, Mrs. Whome. May God allow you both a measure of comfort in knowing how you have unwittingly helped another suffering soul gain further understanding on the path of recovery. May you be healed a hundred fold!
With Compassion, Love and Relief-