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#398058 - 05/22/12 04:12 PM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: 7373dssnn]
NCguy88 Offline

Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
I still cannot even accept that I have been labeled as gay, it's still too frightening to me to believe that. When I went to my T yesterday and I told her that I consider myself to be Bi and that I always felt that I was that way because of the SA and then she asked me, Do you want me to tell you the truth? I said no and I cried.

I know it's not the worse thing in the world to be gay but I have built my whole world as straight/bi. I guess I was sort of hoping that getting married and having a family would change me, it would "cure" those urges and emotions.

It has helped but the attraction was always there but since I have gotten older the urges have gotten allot worse.

I cried and cried and cried some more when I came out to my wife amazingly she didn't shed a tear and instead consoled me. I can't believe that I have put her though this, I have apologized to her over and over again and I don't feel as if there is anything I could possibly ever to to make it up to her.

It still seems so unreal and I do feel so guilty and afraid and sometimes very alone.

Edited by longroad37 (05/22/12 04:26 PM)

#398084 - 05/22/12 08:14 PM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: SamV]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3851
A supporter who was so good to me--would try to have me accept what you and Mountainous Buck both have said so eloquently--we need to reconnect with ourselves, reclaim our lives lost at the hands of abuser. We felt ashamed, guilty and responsible for what happened to us. She would say, no one will have know or truly understand the pain and destruction of "you" as you were sexually abused. And only you can reclaim you. So true and I read these same thoughts here.

We were lost and many of us believe love is abuse and abuse is love. Once we accept it is not but rather a way the perp controlled our mind we can free ourselves and find out who we truly are. Acting out does not define who we are but rather was a way for us to cope, or try to accept what happened--but in hindsight it truly did no good but rather kept me under the control of my abuser.

Sam and Mountainous Buck thank you for reminding me of this in your writings. I am feeling good in heart and mind and now know who I am--my abuser and tormentors no longer control me, for I am freeing myself from their clutches.

Yes here and my supporters have reminded me I am a good person and yes, the answer will come

Edited by KMCINVA (05/22/12 08:15 PM)

#398174 - 05/23/12 01:00 PM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: 7373dssnn]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Wow how heart felt

Your wife is a truly remarkable person as well, that level of compassion is a testament to what a great connection you have. Both of you need to be commended.

There is an author aaron anson

He thought that all kids had same sex attractions and that religion would help you "man-up". Married with kids for 15 years before he finally got tired and said "this life is not me". We become ghosts in our own lives.

For some of us its the CSA , for others religion, hyper rigid parents, neglect, physical abuse, etc. All these can contribute to us preventing ourselves from accepting who we truly are and what makes us happy.

Mind your own life, the journey back to love. This is what his book is. Minding your life so that your desires, feeling and orientation match your actions in life. When you feel something deep inside but do and act another way, there is a price to be paid by your sense of self. That is where part of the guilt and shame come in. Its understandable.

You are so not alone bro


But to the original premise of the thread ,

The answer is very uncomplicated. YOU DON'T

It's how you deal with it. you can either accept it or not accept it. That is something you CAN control. Stopping it?, how do you stop the wind.

Edited by 1lifenow (05/23/12 01:05 PM)
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#398457 - 05/26/12 03:47 PM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: 1lifenow]
NCguy88 Offline

Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Thanks 1life, I'm still dealing with all of this, With getting back to work I have been kind of busy so I haven't had much time to check in the last couple of days. My wife and I are doing good we're still together I'm just always going to be afraid that she is going to wake up some day and say she just can't handle all of this but I can't live in constant fear.

if it happens it happens I love her with all my heart but I find myself putting up a barrier to protect my self just in-case.

I don't want to be that way but I have to accept that it may happen and I have to mentally prepare myself.

With everything going on I literally find my self shaking constantly, my nerves are completely shot which makes it a little hard to work but so far with some meds I am able to control it a little bit.

Edited by longroad37 (05/26/12 03:50 PM)

#398934 - 05/31/12 05:51 AM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: NCguy88]
Can-tex Offline

Registered: 04/06/12
Posts: 4
I relate especially to the last part about your wife being supportive but being unable to be 100% honest. As I have just opened up to my wife about this it easier to find compassion with the events of abuse than it is to dig into the dark corners that result from it. My wife has always been politely homophobic which probably helped keep my problems way out of site for over 20 years. Now as she learns more, she fears that I will leave her for a man. I really don't believe that I would engage in SSA and have really started to thrive in my heterosexual confidence. That definitely does not mean that the draw toward all types of porn and returning to the scene of the crime type behaviors are a distant memory.

My current challenge is that every incidental reference in the news, bookstore, cover of Star Magazine (I wonder if John T. is a member of this site??) has her commenting on how she hopes that isn't going to be me. This stalls my recovery process.

Anyway, I know this is your thread and I am realizing that each of us has a common point of pain but very different situations around how we are going through it. I suspect the risks to your marriage are greater than the satisfaction a SSA will bring.

#398941 - 05/31/12 06:23 AM Re: havin ssa while married [Re: Can-tex]
NCguy88 Offline

Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Thanks for replying, it's always great to hear how others are dealing with this subject, we all need all the support we can get.

Yes, any references to the word gay has my wife looking at me for a reaction, I love my wife dearly but I when it comes up I just smile back at her, what am I supposed to do run and hide?

I have hidden enough for too long. Yes I am uncomfortable with discussing the topic and it comes up allot now but I am who I am, I cannot change that. That's why I have said before if this becomes too much for her to handle we will do what we must, we have already discussed our plans if that time should come. I don't plan on leaving but we do have a back up plan.

My wife fears that I will leave for a man also but right now I don't see that happening I can't say what the future will bring, I just don't know as the urges get stronger but I have promised her that I will leave her before I act on it, she will know but it would not be for a one night thing.

I have never had an emotional attachment to a male sex partner before in fact I felt guilty and dirty for being with them but I have to confess as I have before I am curious if I could grow an emotional attachment to a guy. I'm thinking this is one of the subjects that my therapist is wanting to discuss at our next meeting.

As for right now, as I said I am with my wife, committed fully and do plan to stay that way.

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