Hi,my fraternal brothers,
Another birth year ending & beginning.
My day starts in deep grief for a young boy, who had to create his own world in order to survive. To put up defenses that would last for most of his life.
To hide in the darkness in shame, guilt, mistrust, confused love and fear. Why?
He was just a little boy.
His religion had taught him that he was a "Special Gift from God," to his parent(s). Made in HIS (God's) image & likeness.
Where did God go wrong?? Had HE made a mistake??
An unlovable, unwanted and gay boy.
It would take that innocent boy the rest of his life trying to believe in his teachings.
Trying to find and believe in himself. To come out from the depths of darkness into the sunshine forever.
That was many years ago, lost innocent years forever.
Today, that boy is celebrating his 73rd birthday in life. But just as important and perhaps more so he is celebrating three and a half years of finding his true self, his true self worth.
He has learned more about himself in this short period of time, than he ever knew about himself in his previous almost 70.
In this past birth year we have come a long way from the depths of darkness into the sunshine together. It would be all about his thoughts & feelings of love. The good, the bad & the ugly. His emotions both physically & mentally will be severely challenged. Like that young boy his emotional, mental, sexual and physical feelings about genuine love for his abuser will take center stage.
He will also be re awakened emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually by something not of his making at first. It will happen at the time his emotional, mental & sexual vulnerability will be at his highest level.
Young Pete & I went to a place where we believed was safe, where we would get help in letting go emotionally & mentally from our emotional & mental bond. With our genuine love for our abuser. That was our goal, our purpose of travelling 1000+ miles to seek our goal.
It would be there where this boy would be awakened once again of feelings, thoughts & desires that his lover Ralph had taught him. No longer as that gay boy. But as a gay man..a very immature man.
Something started to happen between two adults. Two persons whom had met here in MS. Two persons whom had mentored each other at times. Two persons whom had respected & trusted each other. Two persons whom had certain boundaries to defend. A person whom was going to cross his ethical & "professional" boundary. It started out on my part innocently at first, but soon became an obsession for me. We were comforting each other. Then we were getting emotionally involved with each other.Innocent hugs and a kiss as a sign of compassion & understanding in sharing our pain together. Then it got to become very sexual a kiss on the cheeks, a kiss on the mouth, caresses hugs & telling each other that we love you. I will tell you while that was going on, Little Pete was no longer there. He was no longer on my mind or in my emotions. It was the big guys turn now to enjoy those feelings, sensations & emotions. We laid down on a couch together. He holding on to me in an embrace, whispering in my ear I love you. As i was on the edge of the couch his arms were holding me on to keep me from falling off. One was below my waist, but not touching the genital area. I was totally out of it by then. He suggested that we go into another room where the cot/bed was that i was to sleep on during this weekend retreat. We went and laid down a few hugs, caresses and kisses on the mouth were exchanged.
But, that is as far as it went, no sexual contact was ever made. Perhaps it was not his intention for it to get that far i do nor know. But I was devastated that it didn't go all the way. When he left to go to bed. I laid there all night hoping & praying that he would return to me to complete the act. I was ready, willing and able to conclude it. Never happened. But I was attracted and confused about him. He was berating the others there, he was separating us from each other. He almost got into a physical altercation with another participant. As the weekend progressed I got a personally autographed copy of one of his healing books. I got a personally lettered can of colored putty, my favorite color of course. No one else got that same personal treatment. As i was coming back down to earth emotionally and remembering the real reason why I travelled 1000 miles to accomplish i went to hell emotionally. how could I have forgotten that little boy? The reason why we were there was to try and let loose of a lover. I was ashamed of myself. I asked little Pete for his forgiveness and understanding. But things there were getting out of hand between the person/s who were in charge of our healing weekend and those of us 4 attendees.It was our last night there. I had mentioned to my fellow attendees about what had transpired between me and our facilitator. They were livid. They were sad for me. They were ready to leave for home. We all felt that we were no longer in a safe place. Where our boundaries would not be violated. Where we would get help in dealing with those issues that we went there seeking
The last morning the facilitator came up to me and gave me a finger ring. It was his and being that i was his dad he wanted me to have it and wear it as he was supposed to be my son. It was a sign of our love. I accepted it but it would not fit my finger. Then he told me that it would be OK on my dog tag chain, as I wear my military dog tags whenever i'm on a long trip in case i'm in an accident. But at that time my mind went back to my lesbian niece, she gave her a partner an engagement ring to show their commitment to each other. It became a wedding band between them as soon as Massachusetts passed the same sex marriage law, and they got married. In my mind it meant that I was his. The last morning came and it was the same all over again separating us & berating us. It was then decided that we will leave just as soon as we can pack. Me and my travel companion was the first to leave and we drove over a hundred miles to put as much safe distance between us. I told him about what happened and showed him the ring. Well i was already in remorse about little Pete. So i decided to throw the ring away in shame. Now not only did i still have to deal with trying to let go of Ralph. But now i had someone else to deal with. Hell that's easy it was only a weekend, so I thought. You see i'm extremely shy and pretty much a loner. I never had the courage to walk up to someone. They would have to come to me first, and even then it was a constant fight between the two Pete's. One part would say sure wish someone would come up to us and say hello. The other part as soon as we seen someone heading our way we look for a quick exit. So if I ever have hopes of finding a partner to love & share my life with as of now HE would have to find me. So it was far from easy for me to let go of that facilitator as I know that he was emotionally & sexually interested in me. As wrong as it was at that time.I know damn well that I was with him. It got so bad with me that i was ready willing and able to go look for him. I have thought about that for a few times and have effectively dealt with that issue. It will never happen between us two.
Now I had the time to devote to my emotional/mental bond with letting go of my life long lover, Ralph. But how was I ever going to learn how? I had tried numerous times. I have had numerous amounts of emotional & mental help from my other brothers whom have dealt with that issue successfully. But, i was not emotionally or mentally prepared to finish it.
Along my way i was directed by another of our brothers here in MS. He was going to try and find a way out for me from my shyness and isolation. He writes down an address in Joplin, MO for me to go to. It's the Gay/Lesbian MCC center. Pete perhaps you would feel welcomed there and get help on your issues. OK I get the courage to go. I get there and the building has church plastered all over it. No way am i going in there. But there are numerous doors on the side of the building. Well I'll check them out perhaps they have a little office in that building. Nope, they were all locked and the ONLY door open went into that church. I get into my pickup to leave. There is a knock on my window, I stop and get out. There is a guy standing there can I help you? Well i'm looking for the Gay/Lesbian center. Well you are here. My name is Steve, what's yours with his hand extended. I shake his hand, he asks me into the building, I tell him no way i'm going into a church. Well Pete, i'm the pastor here. This wooden building belongs to us. The as you call it church is only a small room in this building it's a sanctuary. You don't have to enter it. The rest of this place is just different rooms for different things. Oh by the way can I ask you a question? Sure. Are you Gay? Sure am. Then welcome home. The rest of the story is posted else where.
But it was with his and....umm..uh. gulp.. God's help that i finally was able to come to terms with putting my life long lover Ralph in my emotional/mental proper place in my life.
He is no longer is a part of my daily life. he is a part of my young life. Now as my pastor has told me, Pete now is the time for you to learn how to love yourself (that young boy) and believe in yourself. Then as you mature you will be able to open up your boundaries of shyness and loneliness.. Oh yes Pete and maybe even love God again. Mission accomplished.
It has been one hell of a birth year in life & healing. Ups and downs. fears & even a few tears. Past loves and the hope of a new loves to share myself with.
But, I still am a young boy as I am emotionally/mentally bonded with the loves of my life. Boys of the same age that i was. Now 11 & 12, I am them, I am in them. DNA wise MY BOYS, the only reason for my existence. MY son and grandsons.
Pretty long, and as usual probably doesn't make any sense at all to anyone..Except a young boy named Pete. Happy birthday young Pete YOU got me this far. Now it's up to me.
Heal well, my fraternal brothers, heal well.
"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.