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#388992 - 03/11/12 08:27 PM told my bf
Nate Offline

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
I told my boyfriend about my rape. Since then I've felt myself pulling away. I've felt myself wanting to protect myself, to not get closer, and to pull away to protect myself. Maybe it's ironic, or just odd timing, but I think it might be related. Has this happened to any of you? I'm trying not to pull away emotionally, he's a great guy and we've almost been together a year. Anyone been here? Advice?

"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

#389024 - 03/12/12 02:36 AM Re: told my bf [Re: Nate]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Yep, I have been there.

Telling someone especially a loved one "opens" up to being vulnerable.

It makes perfect sense to pull away to protect yourself. The challenge is to not pull away and to give yourself (and from supportive) good messages. Your a great guy to.


aka DJsport

#389040 - 03/12/12 02:38 PM Re: told my bf [Re: Avery46]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2713
I told my BF and frankly it was easier telling my straight friends. My sexual patterns were formed very early from the abuse, and he had every right to wonder if he was playing the role of "abuser" in our relationship. It took me a long time to realize that was not the case - that our relationship was based upon love and mutual respect. Still, the behaviors that define the dance steps of love were formed early in me, at the hands of another. I feel like "damaged goods." I can do little more than embrace who I have become, knowing it is not the same as embracing the person who molded me as such.


#389043 - 03/12/12 03:47 PM Re: told my bf [Re: Chase Eric]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I've been through a lot of stuff like this. I'm wondering, Nate, how your BF is doing with what you told him? For me, pulling away to protect myself can be very self-fulfilling in that, it can look like people are withdrawing from me and "don't care" or "don't understand" or want to. So, I hope you are open to his concern and love for you Nate.

Also, abuse kind of infected my sexuality too and my (now ex) partner has complained how he feels he missed out on having me be more fully available to being "joyously sexual" (my words). He never knew what was going on behind it all though, neither did I. Still, I think it's not our fault we were abused and never helped with it, but it's our responsibility to work out all that it takes to be a good partner. For both of you. There's a middle ground to it.

I'm just saying, our partners perhaps have legitimate complaints for us about things we should work on.

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#389131 - 03/13/12 06:56 AM Re: told my bf [Re: LandOfShadow]
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon
Talk with him. Let him know what is going on. Ask him what is going on. Try to be as honest as you can and ask him to do the same.


"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

#389635 - 03/18/12 03:19 AM Re: told my bf [Re: Nate]
Forexpreneur Offline

Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Been there too. With me it was because a BF at the time wanted to throw spanking into bedroom play and with my history I can't go there at all, not even light playing. I told him very briefly about my past and he was very sensitive and supportive about it.

He knew something was up because there were certain aspects in our sex life that made it obvious something was going on inside of me. What was sweet about it all is he bought me a Teddy Bear when I started therapy (this was when I was in my early 20's). I thought it was the sweetest act of kindness ever.

To me, good healthy and heart to heart conversation is key. It is a hurdle I think all of us CSA survivors have, if not all, a very large majority. Opening can be very tough for us, even more so when you are intimate with someone.

Just talk with him some more. Ask him how he feels about things to and then take it from there.



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