I remember sharing bath time with my cousin, who is two years older than me. He started touching me, and then showed me how to put my mouth on him. I believe he did this to me as well. I enjoyed it... and still feel the shame about that.
My sexual relationship with him lasted until I was 9 I believe. Perhaps 10, I'm not sure.
In that time, my family and his visited each other often. My aunt babysat my sister and I at her house most weekdays during the summer. Since this was a rural area my cousin and I would take long walks through fields, forests, ravines etc on our own. We both knew what the walk was for. We'd talk about random stuff, but eventually share things we'd learned about sex. This was a signal that we were both interested in fooling around. Once far out of sight of the house, our siblings and adults, we'd find a place to pull our pants down.
I knew we were doing something wrong. I knew sex was for adults and not children. But I enjoyed the attention because he was being nice to me. I was constantly bullied as a child and my cousin instigated this most often. He was mean and would make me cry in front of other children. But when we'd go on these walks he was nice. It felt good to be treated "well" by him so I was always willing. And would even encourage this interaction.
When I was 8 his family moved in with mine temporarily my aunt left her marriage. So the csa happened daily. There were times I would not want to do this... out of shame and the fear of being caught. But he persisted and I would eventually agree to it. When the abuse would happen I was excited. When we finished I only felt shame. This was when things escalated and he began putting things in me, including himself.
As an adolescent I would pretend it happened with a neighbor boy and not my cousin. I'd brag about being so sexually experienced. Then I blocked it out for about 10 years. The shame came back many times during sex with my partner. I didn't recognize it for what it was, just that Iíd shake and feel bad and horrible about myself. Now I realize it was the csa.
My father was abusive to me for my entire life. So much so that I realized recently that I did not recognize him as a parent of mine. When my mother would leave for the store or to to a night class, Iíd cry at the window watching her go, feeling completely abandoned. I was terrified to be left alone with him. I can still feel my face pressed against the cold glass, with my father screaming to stop it and shut up. Iíve learned that he did not feed me while my mother was away. Iíve learned to understand and accept that he did not love me. But also that he is not capable of love. While I received the majority of the abuse, he was not capable of loving anyone. He is an undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. He routinely threw away the telephone because people were ďlistening to him.Ē I remember asking my mother why our name was not on the mailbox like everyone elseís. It was because he was afraid of people ďfinding him.Ē When I was 11 he thought people were stalking him and would not leave the house for weeks at a time, calling in to work, and even calling his brother to buy and deliver cigarettes to him (his brother lived half an hour away) because he was scared to go to the store. He did not bathe. Heíd hide in the attic or the basement, and generally never spent time with the family, and refused to be in public with us.
When I was 8 or 9, my father hung me in the garage, in front of my mother. There was a simple noose hanging from the ceiling. My mother asked what it was and my fatherís response was to lift me and place my head through it and then lower me until it tightened around my neck. I was numb to this because I was always numb. I still donít really have feelings about this. I was used to being terrified.
Iíve learned that my father regularly had fantasies of killing my family and then himself. He would tell me graphic stories about serial killers.
I have memories of seeing him naked. And one of being very close to his genitals. I have the sense I once touched them. I have no concrete memories of csa with him, but I have feelings that this happened. Im very confused by not knowing.
Last year I ended all contact with him.
Thatís a good start to my story... the basics. Iíve been through a lot... a lot of acting out. A lot of fear. Being admitted to mental hospitals as an adolescent. Being dx as an adult with both Complex PTSD and Bipolar II (which was kicked into motion as an adult during my therapy for the csa. Bipolar is genetic and can ďwaitĒ in your genetic make up, until it reveals itself during a period of extreme stress).
Iím currently single as an adult for the first time ever and dealing with sexual acting out that alternates with total disinterest in sex. This week I was overwhelmed by the need for a healthy platonic relationship with another man... and the need for a man to hold me and help me feel safe in the way I couldnít as a child. Thatís when I found this board. Iíve found it very helpful.
Thanks for reading my very long and difficult post.