** Possible Triggers **
I am 37 years old. I was a normal kid. Played sports , had friends, enjoyed just being a kid. I was born, raised and still live in Alabama. I have a great job an I am married to a great woman and she is truely my best friend. So when I cheated on her one night the whole world came tumbling down around me. How could I have done this to her?? I looked at myself in the mirror and asked that question. There was no answer and that is when I realized that my childhood sexual abuse was a real and unavoidable issue. You see this woman means the world to me, I have never wanted to cheat on her. Even worse the person I cheated on her with was not attractive in the least. There no attraction or anything. It didn't make sense. A night or two later after I had gotten caught ad came clean to my wife an after she had left I decided to tell her about my sexual abuse as a child. Not for pity or to get her back in my life but to give her some kind of answer for why. As I typed the text message I her I cried and moaned uncontrolably. I then realized I could hide this no longer. I had to do this for me and because I didn't want to hurt anyone else because of ignoring my past.
From a time a cant even remember until about 12 or 13 I was molested by my uncle. My dads brother. I do not even know what age it started an my mind has blocked out most of the things he did to me and made me do to him. There are faint memories though and they are a disgusting as he is. I hid behind sports and fighting and anything I could I guess to get that praise from others to make me feel normal. I excelled in baseball as a catcher, I was quarterback of the football team as well as free safety an long snapper, I wrestled for 4 years in high school as well. I played church league basketball also. I guess I did anything I could to stay busy and look like a real or normal southern kid. The only sport I really enjoyed playing was baseball. I could have cared less about playing football or wrestling. I love watching football though.
My uncle is openly gay. He is I guess about 6-7 years older than me. He left to go off in the Navy when the molesting stopped. I just put the fact that he did this in the back corner of my mind in a little quiet place because I was in fear of several things. One was my family being made at me and another being was something wrong with me? Is that why he did this. My life was even worse effected when my babysitters son molested me. He was also 5-7 years older than me. So something had to be wrong with me. I was attracted to girls though. Was I gay? Did this mean I was Bi? I knew what to do. I had the answers. I would just act as if nothing happened and do all this sports stuff ang sleep with women to prove I was a man and I wasn't gay and I was normal.
When I was 16 I had a car wreck and my girlfriend of 2 years died in it. She was the head cheerleader and I was the quarterback. Can you get anymore American dreamy than that?? She passed and was buried while I was still fighting for life in the hospital. The wreck was not my fault but you couldn't bet that Into my thick skull. I mourned it for a long time. When I finally let that go was when my youngest son was born. He was born on her birthday and I felt like that was Gods way of saying it was time to let that go.
I have accepted the fact that I am different than other people. I am very different and I have learned that it is ok if you don't accept me as I am, abuse and all my issues.
Back I my story, I played college baseball and I came home from a fall game, my GF at the time was sitting on my hood and crying. She was pregnant. Pregnant??? Really?? I was being looked up to by so many people for playing college baseball. So I quit playing baseball and found a job and married her ASAP. After all, being southern baptist that was the right thing to do. We had 3 kids together. We were married 13 years and I cheated on her all the time. I wasn't the first one I cheat though. She did first so I figured ok then I will show you. She became addicted to all types of pills a that marriage ended. I then found a wonderful woman and we moved in together. It was fantastic. We then bought a house together and got married in that order. She has a 13 yr old son. Everything was great. We were financially stable and life was great. I was so happy.
As I looked at myself in thrat mirror asking myself why did I cheat? All I think was " you know why idiot". I had demons that were trying to break lose from the closet and corner of my mind where they have been. But why after 4 years of faithful marriage did I do it now. I loved this woman with all my heart. My mind told me again " you know why you idiot". So one might when I was home alone and she had left I text her and told her about my childhood.
I knew it was over and I just knew she was gonna let it out to my family. I would show them all. I will just end it all. I sat in my truck in the parking lot at work. I pulled my 380 auto out of the case and racked a shell in the chamber and click "nothing". What?? I was it tears and has snot all over my mouth and chin. Why didn't the gun go off?? I was even a failure in death. As I investigated why the shell didn't go into the chamber I realized that when I cleaned my gun last time that I had put the pin that grabs the shell and slides it up into the chamber from the clip in the wrong spot. Wow. Why has God kept me from death twice now. Why?? That night I realized that a cold hard truth. 1) I need help 2) I need God 3) none of my childhood was my fault and 4) my past has affected my choices ad decisions but not anymore.
What I have realized since then. I am not a piece of crap, I am a good person, I am in control of my future, I don't have to please everyone ad seek praise from everyone, I don't have to live in shame, I was a victim of one of the worst things a kid will ever face.
In closing, my wife decided to return home an I am in recovery and seeing a therapist and going to group sessions. I have never felt closer to my wife. God is in charge and he has a plan for me. I don't know when I will tell my family about this or if I ever will but I know that my future has never been brighter. I am proud of my wife for accepting me an all my past and her willingness to help me. Her love amazes me. Human love is not like Gods love at all. Human love can end. I am so glad she chose not to end hers. As for God and me, we are just fine and getting better everyday. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.
Sorry for any typos as I am on my iPhone. I am sure I left something's out or could have added more. But that is the meat and potatoes of it.
Edited by ModTeam (03/14/12 06:50 AM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added.
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her