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#386250 - 02/18/12 02:20 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: Jim1104]
Treehugger75 Offline

Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 159
Loc: Ontario Canada
Whole point of this is that I am just realizing the cop was totally dismissing the possibility that I could have been victimized. That really pisses me off.

Yeah that about sums it up. though i felt it could be stated a second time wink

I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

#386547 - 02/20/12 10:20 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: LN3(SS)]
senbar Offline

Registered: 03/17/09
Posts: 4
Loc: north carolina
NO. I am an adult and child survivor...this affirmation is intended to help heal the child in some respects. It helps me to see the boy inside me and soothe him. Looking back I feel like the boy is a child I let down and abandoned. As an adult male survivor I grieve for the man I was before I was raped. I want to give up all the time because I can not control my controls me. No matter how I rationalize my fears and the never ending thoughts that attack us each day, it that one affirmation helps one it is worth it. Yes I feel like because I was an adult no one takes it seriously. I tell my therapist my happy clear moments are like having tourettes, quick unannounced and short lived. When you call someones attempt to help crap...I wonder where is your compassion for others who have been victims.

#387007 - 02/24/12 05:04 AM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: senbar]
DanM Offline

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California

I truly identify with your di>

Edited by DanM (02/24/12 05:05 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling

#387381 - 02/26/12 07:01 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: DanM]
rickovery Offline

Registered: 03/04/11
Posts: 21
Loc: Ohio
I understand how the inner child references can feel pretty uncomfortable when many had not been sexually abused as a child, but as an adult. I tend to look at the affirmations not as a whole, but in ala carte fashion. Some fit me and some do not. I sift through and utilize the ones that help me best. I too feel left out with regard to my own adult sexual abuse. For the most part, I tend to focus on the entie affirmation and pick and choose what works best for me.

#388007 - 03/02/12 04:40 AM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: rickovery]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2241
Hi All,

To PeteN,

First, welcome to MS. I am sorry that you need to be here, but I am glad that you have found us.

I read your post in the other forum. Despite why you were where you were, you never deserved to be raped. NO ONE ever deserves to be sexually assaulted.

To LN3(SS),

I hear your pain and anger regarding the lack of inclusion in the research, the literature and the terminology/ phrases that are commonplace.

When references such as "inner child" are used, I too get angry as it seems that, yet again, the existence of adults (especially adult males) who were sexually abused/ assaulted do not exist.

It is painful to read information that only addresses childhood sexual abuse and does not take into consideration that adult males are not only abused/ assaulted, but they have significant trauma as a result.

Since there is only literature regarding childhood sexual abuse/ assault, that is all we have (for now). I try to take from it what resonates for me, and I do my best to gloss over the references/ terminology that exacerbates our exclusion, rather than our inclusion.

Hopefully sooner, rather than later, ASA issues will be researched and addressed.

In the meantime, you are here with guys who understand.

Even if our issues have not yet been researched in any meaningful way or in a manner which brings to light the prevalence and trauma of adult male sexual abuse/ assault, because the therapeutic community has failed to recognize our existence, we do not have to remain invisible and silent.

We can use our voices to rail against exclusionary language. We can also use our voices to lift the veil of invisibility.

History shows us how many groups who were once invisible, dismissed and neglected. By using their voices to speak against exclusionary terms and practices, those groups have finally found inclusion. One day, we will also be included and there will be adequate resources and acknowledgement of our needs.

Keep talking.

We are listening. We hear your pain and we want to help.

Together we can raise our voices and change the language and terminology to be inclusive, rather than exclusive.


Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#388013 - 03/02/12 05:22 AM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: Anomalous]
honorableman Offline

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 53
Loc: United States
I am an adult survivor too 'bro. An innocent and NAIVE cool kid who was led into a sexual trap/rape buy a female black widow delivering me to her rape partner in crime hubby,

Fuck them all.

I am free. I hope you are or are heading in that direction too.

Best, Michael

#388251 - 03/04/12 04:40 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: prisonerID]
Geeders Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Instead of thinking outside of the box, get rid of the box.
Deepak Chopra

My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

#389406 - 03/15/12 11:53 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: LN3(SS)]
TheTwoOfUs Offline

Registered: 11/03/11
Posts: 149
Loc: USA
I don't feel slapped in the face by this sort of termminology. I do, however, feel put to the side into the throes of the forgotten.

It does not apply to me. I have no "inner child" who needs healing. I had a good childhood, happy memories of it, I don't need childhood repair.

It was the fully grown, well-adjusted ADULT man who was traumatized. BIG difference.

For me, I just "turn off" when this terminology is thrown around, and perhaps due to the frequency of it, often feel as though I am one of the forgotten, and excluded, do not fit in with other survivors, supposed to not be able to relate to them, etc.


Having had to do some serious thought and soul-searching lately, the more I think about this, the more I realize I have begun approaching this terminology differently.

Do I still feel put off, exluded, etc, when I hear it? Yes. Yes, I do. But I don't let it rattle me. I look at it like this - adapt and change it. Adapt and change.

I don't have a "child" who needs to heal, but me as the adult, formerly adjusted grown man needs to heal. So change the terminology.

I frequently just change the "inner child" term in my head to my own name. It's not a "child", it's "Matthew".

I have the Matthew I was before the assault. And I have the Matthew I am now, after the assault. I am not happy with the Matthew I am now - I am trying to heal. What I am striving for is a sort of middle ground - a compromise between the two. Something that can connect the "before" with the "after" in such a way that "feels" like "me." Something somewhere between the two that I can accept and live with.

So for me "inner child" when I see it simply equals "Matthew" in my brain. I automatically change those two words in my head when I read it or hear it.

The past cannot be undone. What is done is done. I was raped. Pure, plain and fucking simple. But that does NOT and SHOULD not define the rest of my life. And that is how I approach this, and that is what I aim for.

Adapt, overcome.


Adapt. Overcome. Survive.

#389453 - 03/16/12 11:11 AM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: TheTwoOfUs]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma

I like what you had to say here and find a lot of worth in your words. I too have had to work to reconnect with who I was before the rape. It has been an interesting journey.

As a man who has had to re-work female terms for the first years of recovery and later male CSA ones at times here I am pretty much unemotional about it. I have come to the point of no longer caring to try to change anything for my head hurts from the efforts. But one day things must change in order for more men who have been raped to come forward or to feel like they have a place - whether here or in the 3D world. We all look for things with our names on them or titles that identify us.

I am not concerned with myself as I have had to deal with this for almost twenty-two years now. If I had waited for the changing of terminology or the understanding of others I would still be suicidal, self destructive and living in the darkest of places. For those who have recently been assaulted and those to come in the days ahead I would like to see changes and true resources be created.

Right now the surface has barely been scratched and much is simply going through the motions.


Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#394619 - 04/23/12 06:23 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: LN3(SS)]
J.Bytendorp Offline

Registered: 03/09/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Salt Lake CIty, Utah
Wow, I am speechless and amazed about how strong and how much support that has been shown in this forum. It is very hard to be a minority of a minority of a minority. To be not only a survivor but a male survivor and also a male survivor who was sexually abused as a male. I have to agree with everyone here that it is hard to hear those statement about finding and connecting with your inner boy when it is our inner man that was hurt. I myself have to sit and change those words to better fit my situation. It is hard and challenging and my hope is that just like with females and males who have been abused as children that as we come out and share our stories and experiences about our ASA and voice our concerns and our needs that we will see change. This change might be slow, which is hard, but my hope that one day that change will be more inclusive to find health for other ASA. So I thank you for taking the time to share these experience and your stories and remember that your experience helps other ASA struggling to find a community.

Josh Bytendorp

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