Newest Members
cactus8, Neil Benesh, blazzeee, mmm coffee, Calibre09
13530 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Asmodeus (34), comeath3 (78), Poo (53), Roy (56), Skeeter (58), tazrad (46), Treehugger75 (42), waterworld (56)
Who's Online
4 registered (mikewww, SDD757, Rich1967, 1 invisible), 66 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,530 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,383 Topics
491,511 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#387897 - 03/01/12 03:46 PM Husband does not feel he deserves my love
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
My husband has admitted to me that he is terrified of disappointing me, is intimidated by me and feels that I am and always will be a better person that he is. He is frozen when it comes to opening up to me and is struggling to understand why he cannot break down this huge wall that he has put between us. His infidelity, I suppose, was a result of this feeling of self-loathing. If he did not feel that he deserved my love, then he did everything that he could to destroy it.

I would appreciate input from other survivors who have struggled with not feeling worthy of love and how you may have overcome this (or are working to overcome this) with your partner.

My husband and I separated two weeks ago, per my request. He says he wants to "reset" his life. I am taking things one day at a time as I have been lied to so much in the past. But I do remain hopeful.

We are meeting again with our marriage counselor today and he hopes to have help in starting to open up about things. He feels that he cannot do it alone and hopes that it will break the ice.


Top
#387904 - 03/01/12 05:03 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
I know I felt I deserved nothing. I was unable to receive love.

For me I had to work on healing before I could begin to put down the lies that I was worthless trash before I could begin to receive love.

Having my wife by my side, loving me unconditionally, that really really helped.


Top
#387941 - 03/01/12 08:48 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: JustScott]
Esposa Offline
User

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
keepcalm....ahghghghghgh.... sounds like my husband.

His inner voice is that of his mother...you haven't earned it, you don't deserve it, you are piece of crap...

He has told me things lately that I simply could not understand. If you hate yourself, why put yourself in a situation that makes the one who loves you, hate you? That's just it.... they don't think they deserve it.

He has to be honest with himself and he has to catch those thoughts before the undermine him and create bad choices and bad decisions. HE HAS TO. I have told my husband for 17 years that I was in awe of him, turns out he never could hear my voice because his mother's was louder and deep inside him.


Top
#387979 - 03/02/12 02:08 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Esposa]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
I feel the same way. Sad to say but this feeling is common for CSA or any other survivors or abuse. I feel as if my wife deserves way better than me. I feel like I am unworthy to have her respect much less her love. I just read a chapter about many male survivors having this feeling of being unworthy. So I said to myself , I may not deserve it but I dang sure will accept it and try to be the kind of man that can make her proud.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#387995 - 03/02/12 03:50 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Originally Posted By: keepcalm

I would appreciate input from other survivors who have struggled with not feeling worthy of love and how you may have overcome this ...


First off "keepcalm", my heart goes out to you. I don't know what it's like on your end because I am a survivor, but my heart goes out to those who are support for survivors, especially intimate ones. I'm glad there is a forum for support for you guys too.

As far as survivors, there are many traits we share, and some we don't. We are able to work through these hurdles, but it does take a lot of work, and does take time and patience.

Low self-esteem and feeling as though we don't deserve love I think is at the top of the list of things we share until we heal. Cattle is treated better than we were treated during our CSA events, because cattle is worth money, we weren't worth shit! I was told that over and over again, even without the CSA crap, but during so much of my CSA events I was told this in words, AND actions.

Very few of us want to actually screw up our lives, and very few want to hurt the ones that love us and I can understand how difficult it may be for you F&Fs. We aren't screwing things up intentially it's just that we tend to believe that is all we deserve, and on a subconscious level, if we aren't getting abuse or trauma we will cause it to happen. It's automatic until we heal.

It is so painful for us too because, in my case, I don't want the drama. I want to be loved and cared for and nurtured, and to love back but deep down I FEEL I DON'T DESERVE any love!!!!! Thankfully that is changing, albeit slowly.

It is such a viscious circle to get out of. I NEED love. I WANT love. But the voices and feelings inside are that I deserve pain because I'm not worth a damn!

It's like a tortoise in the desert during the dead heat of summer. Hasn't seen rain in some months. It needs water. It WANTS water. It starts to rain, and the tortoise starts to take in the much needed and wanted water. Then the voices and the pain kicks in and the tortoise spits the water back out. Why? It doesn't deserve it. Someone else deserves it but not the tortoise.

That is how we feel until we heal. The good thing is that we can heal, and most of us so desperately want to.

Hang in there sweetheart! Be patient. Get support from this board and other sources as things are worked through. Things can get better and I pray they do for you and your loved one.

Alex




Edited by Forexpreneur (03/02/12 04:50 AM)
Edit Reason: spelling/grammar

Top
#388025 - 03/02/12 08:00 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Forexpreneur]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4230
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Originally Posted By: Forexpreneur
Originally Posted By: keepcalm

I would appreciate input from other survivors who have struggled with not feeling worthy of love and how you may have overcome this ...


It is such a viscious circle to get out of. I NEED love. I WANT love. But the voices and feelings inside are that I deserve pain because I'm not worth a damn!

Alex


... and we often sabotage our own most valued relationships. I am afraid to say "I love you" in fear that it might not be said back to me. I can say it if i hear it first. But the implied rejection of me saying it first and not getting a response is too scary.

... and sometimes i don't take the necessary or desired steps to improve the relationship because if it gets better and then goes downhill or is lost or damaged later it will be that much more painful.

i know - that's really screwed up thinking - but what can you expect from someone whose been screwed up?

Lee



Edited by traveler (03/02/12 08:02 AM)
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

Top
#388033 - 03/02/12 10:49 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: traveler]
Forexpreneur Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
Originally Posted By: traveler

... and sometimes i don't take the necessary or desired steps to improve the relationship because if it gets better and then goes downhill or is lost or damaged later it will be that much more painful.

Lee


I can really relate Lee. I know for me I haven't dated in 8 years because I knew I had to heal enough and learn enough to attract a semi-healthy relationship.

That is true, but what's sad Lee, I know deep down I have also been avoiding a relationship so that I don't get hurt again. The last one absolutely shattered my heart. It didn't crush it, it blew it up to little pieces.

I want to have a relationship with someone I feel safe with and truly like. I miss cuddling so very much. I miss the smiles and the gentle kisses. But deep down at this point in time I know I will be left again and that's a pain I don't want to go through again.

It's truly messed up and I'm working on changing that thought pattern, but that is where I am at this time in my life. I'm pretty damn messed up too, but I am slowly getting better.

Alex


Top
#388040 - 03/02/12 01:41 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Forexpreneur]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
The whispers that hide under the surface and are only heard at times when I'm at rest and anxiety is low say:

You're worthless.
You deserve pain.
You deserve to be used.
You deserve loneliness.
You are unlovable.


Top
#388042 - 03/02/12 01:59 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: JustScott]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Bingo, Scott!
I have the same whispers playing in my head all the time. The only time I don't hear them is when I am holding our new puppy. I sure wish I could experience the same with my wife and loved ones!

_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

Top
#388062 - 03/02/12 05:00 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: traveler]
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10

Thank you to each and everyone of you for your thoughtful and honest comments. I understand that my H needs and wants love but struggles to understand that he deserves my love. It is a classic case of self-sabotage. He is so worried about disappointing me and has pushed himself so far away from me. I'm not sure where things will go but as I keep saying, I am hopeful.

I'm grateful to be here, with all of you.


Top
#388066 - 03/02/12 05:12 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: keepcalm
My husband has admitted to me that he is terrified of disappointing me, is intimidated by me and feels that I am and always will be a better person that he is. He is frozen when it comes to opening up to me and is struggling to understand why he cannot break down this huge wall that he has put between us. His infidelity, I suppose, was a result of this feeling of self-loathing. If he did not feel that he deserved my love, then he did everything that he could to destroy it....


Keepcalm,

The above statement that you wrote is exactly where I have been. I did not feel (and still struggle) loveable. Alot of my feelings of being less than came from the abuse. BUT, I admit to sabotaging relationships/my marriage so the pain of the abandonment will be less.

This "insecurity" is NOT an issue for which you should endure - IMHO. I do not blame my ex-wife. I feel extremely lonely but,it is not her fault.

I hope for the best for you and your husband.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

Top
#388069 - 03/02/12 06:17 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297
All alone or in twos,
the ones who really love you,
walk up and down, outside the wall,
some hand in hand, some gathered together in bands,
the bleeding hearts and the artists, make their stand.

And when they've given you their all, some stagger and fall,
after all its not easy, banging your heart against some mad buggers wall.



Edited by InsideTheWall (03/02/12 06:17 PM)

Top
#388079 - 03/02/12 07:18 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: InsideTheWall]
Esposa Offline
User

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
LOVE THIS


Top
#388089 - 03/02/12 08:36 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Esposa]
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
insidethewall - those words are profound and capture what we, the wives, partners and friends, feel to a T.

How much can your heart take if you are constantly banging it against the wall?

Thank you so much for sharing.


Top
#388107 - 03/03/12 12:03 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297
I agree the words are profound and beautiful , but they're not mine. They're from the song "Outside The Wall" by Pink Floyd.

You have to understand when dealing with survivors, that we're trapped inside our walls and don't know how to leave them even if we desperately want to. PTSD, which most of us suffer, is a psychological prison.



Edited by InsideTheWall (03/03/12 12:15 AM)

Top
#388108 - 03/03/12 12:34 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297
Originally Posted By: keepcalm


How much can your heart take if you are constantly banging it against the wall?
Only so much, which is sadly, why some stagger and fall. I feel for you and wish I could help more.


Top
#388110 - 03/03/12 01:00 AM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: keepcalm
...My husband and I separated two weeks ago, per my request.


ok, so, what is the goal?

separate corners...for an undefined period of time? or use this hardship to make or break the bonds moving forward?

in my humble view, as a survivor, you are driving keepcalm. you have to be strong, set the rules, keep on the path, and be tough. i'm not entirely sure how that can happen while living apart.

_________________________
Jeff

Top
#388162 - 03/03/12 03:44 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: westchesterguy]
keepcalm Offline


Registered: 12/10/11
Posts: 10
Quote:

ok, so, what is the goal?

separate corners...for an undefined period of time? or use this hardship to make or break the bonds moving forward?

in my humble view, as a survivor, you are driving keepcalm. you have to be strong, set the rules, keep on the path, and be tough. i'm not entirely sure how that can happen while living apart.


westchesterguy, I had to take control of the situation to prevent myself from being hurt anymore from his lies. If not, there would not be any chance for us to heal and not any chance for the possibility of us having a healthy relationship down the road.

My husband did not allow me to be a partner in his recovery early on. Unfortunately, he will have to do the hard work on his own. I can only be supportive to an extent right now and focus on myself. There is no right or wrong in this situation - I am just doing what I feel is best for myself.


Top
#388561 - 03/06/12 10:29 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: JustScott
The whispers that hide under the surface and are only heard at times when I'm at rest and anxiety is low say:

You're worthless.
You deserve pain.
You deserve to be used.
You deserve loneliness.
You are unlovable.


You're worthless. (heard that from 0-18 from "father")
You deserve pain. (not said but same)
You deserve to be used. (yep, not said but same)
You deserve loneliness. (yep, not said but same, very lonely kid anyway)
You are unlovable. (apparently or I would not have been neglected/beat/yelled at)

I still hear that today because it was learned.

I always looked for someone to break that. It didn't come along no matter how hard I tried. And, I don't believe it gets better. Sorry, I looked and it really didn't.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#388616 - 03/07/12 02:31 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: keepcalm]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Keep I wish you and my wife could talK. We have been married for 21 years and I finally opened up about my gangrape. I don't know the details about what happened to your husband but my wife has always had questions about me that she was afraid to ask. To this day I still think of myself as damaged goods. I am sure your husband feels the same way and maybe with the space and support he is getting he can turn a corner and you can get back together but he needs to learn that inspite of what happened in the past, there can be major problems with how he is dealing with issues today. Good Luck I will be praying for you Mike


Top
#388708 - 03/08/12 12:04 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: InsideTheWall]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
I'm not sure if any of us "deserve" love-my problem is letting love in as I feel (at times) unlovable and that the choices I made in the past confirm that basic belief that was pounded into my in my youth.

My wife wrote me a note early on when my infidelities and acting out broke up our marriage and we separated. (The separation allowed me to focus on my recovery rather than wallow in the broken marriage: it also allowed us to see things more clearly than living together day to day would.)

She wrote:

Quote:
Remember,

I love you.
We love you.
God loves you.


It's not about "deserving" love- for me it is about ACCEPTING love in this world.



Edited by Mountainous Buck (03/08/12 12:06 PM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#388712 - 03/08/12 12:20 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
I struggle with this same issue as well. We are not alone Buck. It is hard to feel like we deserve the love or respect of others. I often think , how can anyone respect me , how can anyone think highly of me because I was sexually abused as a child. Then I pray and I feel like answering it in this manner, because we are survivors and seeking help and we had no control over what happened to us. We deserve inner peace and happiness as much or more than anyone because of our past and we are still productive people in society.

_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#388724 - 03/08/12 01:41 PM Re: Husband does not feel he deserves my love [Re: Country]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
I love that note your wife gave you Buck. It is something each of us needs to remember each and every day.


Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.