your words are well thought out and from the heart. Thats all you can ask of yourself.
This is a brilliant place to start the journay. Just know its part of the process. It's NOT enuf. You need to find a T or group that can help, that has experience in dealing with issues and emotions that are specific to us.
The empathy you will feel here is second to none. The biggest thing you will find is that patterns and ideas that you always thought were just part of you are keeping you from being the real you.
Here I am thinking it was only me that there is no way anyone else could have possibly gone through this. I am so sorry for what all of you have gone through I would never wish it on anybody.
Keep working and your head will slow down, the intrusive thoughts just a din and the real little boy so buried in guilt, anguish and soul peeling shame will emerge so much stronger than you ever imagined. You're a tough fuck. we all are.