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#387053 - 02/24/12 01:55 PM Effectiveness of Tears
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007
Effectiveness of Tears

There is an understandable frustration from ASA men when it comes to securing assistance for the pain and anguish we feel. It appears to us as if CSA men and women and women ASAís have far more services supplied for them. Is this true? I donít have the opportunity to do a scientific study but from the perspective of an ASA man it sure feels accurate.

I often times wonder if it has more to do with tears than gender or age. Men often times hide their tears from view. But we have them; thousands of tears that do not stream from our eyes but this is how children and women express their wounds and hurts. Often our tears appear in the public forum not in the form of streaming fluids but as angry words. We often times replace our cries with harsh dictates and absolute thoughts. This is how many of us reach out for help only to find others withdrawing and sadly withholding help we desperately need and deserve. Even here when we, as ASA men, firmly speak out we are told to stop posting for it comes across as condemning or critical. Why? Maybe because we refuse to come to the forum with tears flooding the page instead we come with strength in our needs and this is viewed as a threat.

When a child cries or when a womanís eyes fill with tears Ė society opens its arms and wraps them in comforting support. But for those of us that do not cry publicly but still have emotions and needs to be expressed and helped Ė society feels the need to protect itself by rejecting our needs.

Edited by earlybird (02/24/12 01:57 PM)
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#387061 - 02/24/12 03:21 PM Re: Effectiveness of Tears [Re: earlybird]
PeteN Offline

Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 15

I think you make a good point. Being an ASA has its own unique challenges. my heart really goes out to guys who were molested as kids. although i can sympathize to some extent, my experience and how I've dealt with it are very different. I was assaulted in my 30s when I was confident of my self and sexuality. Although the experience was awful (and I'll share it soon), I was able to process it as a grown man. I felt violated and embarrassed but not unmoved or anything like that. I often feel there aren't many people who can understand.

getting to your point, I do think that society views a grown male victim very differently from a woman or child, and they don't want to see men cry. However, I don't feel the need to cry which makes it even more challenging to explain. Im disgusted,angry and embarrassed but not sad, because I wasn't a pure flower to begin with so I never felt like a model citizen was dragged down and publicly shamed. So, i don't want or need to cry to prove I was assaulted, but if I don't cry people will think it wasn't an assault. maybe we expect crying cause that's what we think victims - namely women and kids - do.

#387095 - 02/24/12 09:55 PM Re: Effectiveness of Tears [Re: PeteN]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007

First let me start by welcoming you to MaleSurvivor and in particular to the ASA forum. Iím always saddened to read that there is another man that has been drugged through this barbed wire of an event.

We are alike in that I too have felt the disgust, anger and especially the debilitating effects of embarrassment but for me I was left extremely sad Ė sad at all the loss much of which can never and will never be regained. But there are many, many good things to replace these loses and with the help of others Iíve found a few of mine and am hopeful of the discoveries coming.

All survivorsí process there assaults differently, each with equal validity. Some, like me, feel the need to cry but also know itís unacceptable so we donít. But I can also affirm why another man may have come to an entirely different conclusion one the leaves crying to others.

The common denominator is that we need support and that support is deeply lacking. From my limited experience every organization has its head in the sand when it comes to ASA men and theirí issues, allowing themselves the powerful, self-protective position of complete denial. That makes me even sadder Ė now that the anger concerning the blinders has waned.

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#387243 - 02/25/12 10:16 PM Re: Effectiveness of Tears [Re: earlybird]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA

I hear you. When I see an adult male cry, I listen to his heart. I listen to his experience.

I can't speak about others ability to be comforting.

I hope you have arms which will wrap around you when you need comforting.


aka DJsport

#387324 - 02/26/12 12:34 PM Re: Effectiveness of Tears [Re: Avery46]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Dear fellow ASA Brethen,
I felt numb for three dacades, the tears poured within my chest cavity and after disclosure 4.5 years ago l cried and l remember on April 14th 2008 l felt the inner wall holding back the flood of tears.
I wanted snot blowing and sobbing relief.
I didn't want my GF to see me cry so l went outside and sat on the porch.
Within minutes the dam broke and l was racked with unrestrained tears. I was even wimpering.
Cari came out and l just buried myself in her arms and sobbed. She held on and gave me time to get a grip.
Back inside she sat with me and without much words held me like a baby.
Been letting loose ever since.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep and woke crying?
Makes both sides of the pillow wet.

I hope you all can experience the relief and cleansing of hot salty tears. It truely is a milestone.

We earned them.


Post Script: PeteN, l got your message but have been thinking how to explain what happened. My history of the Event in in the protected members Survivor Stories forum in what we call "upstairs". You have to be a member to go there. I will answer your message but need a good time since it can bring back some unwanted trauma and self-triggering. Hope your doing gooder bro.
Hang on it gets better. Glad to meet you here.

Edited by men_of_hrts.dbw (02/26/12 12:39 PM)
Edit Reason: can't spell and should always use the post preview.
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

#387579 - 02/28/12 09:38 AM Re: Effectiveness of Tears [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
Darkheart Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I don't remember what it's like to cry...I want to, need to but I have some sort of block. I can get teary eyed over a brother's pain. But when I seek release for myself, I get stopped cold...


When I get deeply triggered and seek release by crying, I either see my Dad punching me, telling me to quit crying like a girl...if I push further, I can feel my first rapist holding a knife to my throat telling me to man-up...I just can't work past this...

My Story...

#388262 - 03/04/12 07:12 PM Re: Effectiveness of Tears [Re: Darkheart]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
.., tears, the stigma of crying as a weakness has come up through the ages in almost every culture as such.., weakness. Who set that as any level to be acquired in our civilization? No one, we all may have... who knows. In this place, in MS, we are breaking down these long held beliefs, we are disposing of the lies and uncomfortable myths of male survivors of sexual abuse. Crying, tears, sobbing, gut wrenching sounds of ragged breath being hated, as if one could somehow control the emotions by demanding one's breath to stop until the "embarrassment" was over.

.., tears, I embrace them. Without words, tears stream out the emotions I cannot process, thoughts I dare not speak and memories I cannot be reminded of. Tears are the release the body needs to express it's anguish.

I learned at a retreat, with men standing around me, from 18 to 80, how to cry. (The thought of repeating the process is in itself overwhelming.)As this is a post concerning the effectiveness of tears...

***Trigger(not the thought, but the process itself can overwhelm)***
Click to reveal..
With the abdomen, the top of the stomach, breathe out. As one breathes out, make a sound, pursing the lips slightly, a low moan at the back of the throat, limit the amount of air leaving the lungs. Put a hand on the chest. Vary the tone of the sound until it "feels right". Where is this sound coming from? Press on that spot with your hand and keep making that sound. Louder... louder... Louder until the sound has a thought. Capture that thought. Repeat it, again and again, alternating between the sound and the thought until the thought is solid. Repeat the thought as the emotions try to overwhelm it.

It is very emotional, and it may not be possible to control the emotions and keep the thought. If not, let it out in any way the body safely chooses. The thought is yours, you have struggled for it and it is your trophy. Share it, reason on it, resolve it in the heart and mind. In my experience, which was much more elaborate than what I am offering here, it was a thought I would never would have consciously conceived.

If you attempt this exercise, fellow survivors, it may be best to tell someone, whether a phone call explaining that you will call back at a specific time, but it is best to be accompanied by a trusted friend or spouse who WILL NOT rescue or interfere.

This is powerful if one chooses to use it. Please PM me if you want to hear more about releasing the pain and embracing recovery healing.


MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#388272 - 03/04/12 09:16 PM Re: Effectiveness of Tears [Re: earlybird]
Geeders Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
It is such a secret place, the land of tears. cry
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The Little Prince.


My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

#388515 - 03/06/12 03:02 PM Re: Effectiveness of Tears [Re: Geeders]
NewSummer Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
I wish I could turn the tears on and let them wash the pain away...Too bad the tap is on the otherside of the wall where I can not reach it

life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

#388549 - 03/06/12 08:32 PM Re: Effectiveness of Tears [Re: NewSummer]
Forexpreneur Offline

Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 141
Loc: Uranus (hell no not yours. lol...
I'm not an ASA survivor but this post caught my eye. I can not relate to ASA stuff directly and hope I never will have to, but I do have empathy big time because no one should have sex forced on them.

That being said, for me I used to cry alone in private and would always try to hold them back because that was what was beat into me during the abuse. Isn't that the same basic thing society does to adult males? "Take it like a man", "Cowboy up.", etc. etc. Sometimes at work I would have to go to the restroom because something triggered me and I couldn't hold something back. Hell I was trained very well as a child to cry quietly and to hold it back, both from the CSA and abuse in general, but one can't hide in public if the tears won't stop no matter how quiet you may be.

I used to only cry because of the ugly and painful memories, not just CSA but the abuse in general too. It helped. The day I actually cried because I cared for me was the day that a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I thought I had been crying for me, but I was only crying because of the pain. A seemingly subtle difference but wow what a big difference it is.

I hope I helped in some way even if I'm not an ASA survivor. Heal well brothers.


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