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#386784 - 02/22/12 08:23 AM tortured? TRIGGER WARNING
Survivinguy Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 318
Loc: Colorado
I was physically tortured a number of ways during the CSA I suffered and I still have body memories of both the CSA and the torture.

I've tried to "rationalize" that my primary abuser physically tortured me to prevent me from disassociating during the CSA but honestly I have no idea why he tortured me.

Was anyone else tortured during the CSA they suffered?


I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

#386786 - 02/22/12 08:47 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
That's a tough question to answer for me, as the earlier years were/are considered "torture" to me. The torture, being determined that it was physically painful, mentally horrifying, then that horrid component of the absolute. That is, the "absolute" nature of the events --- no escape. No matter how much I begged these monsters, they simply were not going to give up their warm flesh-toy.

Not being able to beg my way out of a horror, at the starting age of 7-8-yo, was more than I could handle mentally. Thus, I determine it "torture."

Experiencing breath-stopping pain from anal violation was mind-warping surreal. I cried, screamed and begged for them to stop. They never did. I nearly always dissed-out, earlier and quicker with each event (thank God).

I'm truly not attempting to be trite or annoyingly challenging here, but I always considered the entire package to be torture of a small child who never even knew anything like that was possible.

#386787 - 02/22/12 09:12 AM a [Re: Survivinguy]
lbcali1978 Offline

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217

Edited by lbcali1978 (04/16/13 09:47 AM)
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it


#386808 - 02/22/12 03:59 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lbcali1978]
lapchinj Offline

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing

Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 08:52 PM)
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

#386821 - 02/22/12 09:31 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: lapchinj]
Daniel_forgotten Offline

Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
We were, but rather discuss that in private, if you want to.

#386823 - 02/22/12 09:56 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
Green Offline

Registered: 07/13/03
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC, NY
It took me a long time to understand that the abuse wasn't just about lust or dominance. It was just pure evil. That is how I have come to understand the torture part.


#386824 - 02/22/12 10:09 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Survivinguy]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2748
I can only speak for myself - there are so many different dynamics in the type of abuse, the perspective of the victim, etcetera, that what I share may have nothing to do with the dynamics you are facing.

My abuser used seduction, manipulation, physical maturity and size, and his pseudo-"older brother" status over me to achieve his aim. When he forced, I would plead with him to stop and he would - but there was no physical "retreat" and really nothing I could do thwarted him from where he wanted to end up. Often times, he was whipped into such a frenzy he wouldn't stop despite my pleas, but I remember thinking precisely during those moments that he didn't really want to hurt me but he just couldn't stop - I was like a drug to him and sometimes his need for a "fix" overwhelmed any sense of self-control. And I knew that when it was happening, even though I understood so little of it - strange as that sounds. I knew he had no self-control - I flat saw right through him even though I was only 12. I watched him do to my sister exactly what he was doing to me. He was just an oversexed ogre and once he plugged in, the electricity flowed and he was just powerless over his own urges.

That's a huge dynamic, because had he been given the tools to deal with his issues - his sociopathic lack of appropriate self control against a strong current of pedophilic desires - I might not be dealing with the garbage he left me, nor would a lot of the girls in the neighborhood.

As a young adult/older teen I managed to be stupid enough to stumble into a situation where I was forced, and to me that met a more pure definition of "physically torture", although others might called it simple forced rape. I don't think it left the lasting scars of my CSA, but it sure as hell hurt about a thousand times more and was just as humiliating - and my screams (unheard in a closed, dark building) just seemed to encourage him. That guy was flat out dangerous - and he thought I was younger than I was, which made him even more so, in my opinion.

I look back on these situations and realize they were about power. But they were also about sex - and I don't buy the "rape is all about power" argument because I think a rapist or a molester is a true sociopathic sexual deviant.

I don't think it was anyone's goal to prevent me from dissociating; in fact, my CSA abuser worked hard to get me engaged and responsive. The ASA abuser didn't care - he just forged ahead and was all about total control. He could have killed me and I really don't think he would have cared. Both of them used techniques that achieved the same aim - make the victim subservient and helpless, feeding the sexual frenzy of the abuser.


#386829 - 02/22/12 11:21 PM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: Green]
PeteN Offline

Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 15
I was tortured as an adult so Im not sure how much my experience relates to yours. In fact, I consider myself more a victim of torture than rape although there was some of that. I sometimes think I have an easier time dealing with what I went through cause I think of it as having been like a POW thing and that I resisted an enemy.

#386884 - 02/23/12 06:15 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: PeteN]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Yes I was tortured as a 12-year-old at the boy scout camp.

It was exceptionally cruel. Very damaging.

I reported it here in pufferfish story part 5.

I didn't know the words then. A bunch of it was sadistic sex.

What I didn't say there is that a lot of the stuff that was done seems to have come right out of the manual about brain washing that our intelligence people produced after the Korean war. Our (USA) captured servicemen were subjected to brainwashing in North Korea and China. The manual is now available on-line. It has been declassified with the Freedom of Information Act. I have the url but I'm too tired to get it now. The techniques were later refined into what was done in the detention camps in Iraq and Cuba. There are certain techniques used to get information out of prisoners. This implies to me that my abuser had access to manuals which were classified as secret until the 1990's.

kept in bondage
sexual abuse
starvation for food and water


Edited by pufferfish (02/23/12 05:58 PM)

#386891 - 02/23/12 07:45 AM Re: tortured? TRIGGER WARNING [Re: pufferfish]
Daniel_forgotten Offline

Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
what os all that about puffer??

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