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#38666 - 05/27/01 05:37 AM Re: Trying to understand the abuser
Harry Offline

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 143
Loc: California
Broken, what you posted was very open-mined and very true. I agree with everything you said, and I especially like how you said, "A whole person is always more than just one action, one emotion." It was very constructive instead of self-destructive. Even though the anger must be let out, and cries of desperation and pain need to be heard here, it is good to hear what you wrote. This place is great for both. Thanks.

In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

#38667 - 05/28/01 03:43 AM Re: Trying to understand the abuser

Peace comes from forgiveness. There is no way around it.

However, forgiveness does not come from understanding. Understanding helps us to forgive, because we are not God. If I blame everything I am on the boy who abused me, then I do neither of us any good. I don't understand why he did what he did, but I do understand what it did to my life.

It would be easy for me to argue that it destroyed what I could have been, but it opened another door and tried my heart. In many ways, it opened my eyes to who I really am.

Now, before I get slammed by those that may hear me saying that what happened to me was good, I'M NOT SAYING THAT!!!

What I am saying is that what happened to me, happened... I can't change the past and I will never know why he made the choices he did. What I do know is that I can spend my life in bitterness and anger, or I can chose to look for the good in everything.

I'm not usually very good at seeing the GOOD, but I am trying.

I'm not ready to try to understand why child molesters do what they do. I don't want to go there. I hope that it helps you (Crown44)!

What I am ready to do is to understand how my abuse affected me -- both bad and good. I know that it may be hard to imagine anything good coming out of all this, but try these on for size:
* I can not have casual sex. Most men would consider this a problem, but I am better because of it. I have been faithful in my marriage and was probably spared the pain of sexual transmitted disease because of it.

None of this excuses the person who committed a terrible crime against me, but he can not escape his final judgement. No one can. Not even me...

It is more important what I do in respose to my experiences in life than whether or not he pays for his crimes. We all pay for our crimes, and the crimes of those that impact our lives. My wife has paid for my crimes, probably more than I have paid for her's.

I can't help but believe that healing will come from knowing myself and learning to forgive.

However, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, and it doesn't mean excusing. It means walking away from it at peace with yourself.

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