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#386511 - 02/20/12 05:42 PM csa or orientation?
romancub1 Offline

Registered: 01/31/12
Posts: 19
gonna ask a few questions about my father in law. I keep getting kicked out of forums so I will try here. my FIL is a married man with 3 surviving children(one passed away about 5 years ago). He has been having a sexual relationship with another man for about 3 years now(once a week meeting). They do everything sexual together but the FIL is more submissive(anally). He says he loves anal sex and performing oral. Its also a very strong fantasy of his to have 2 guys together in a 3 way. He has only been with 2 women sexully in his life(he is 50) and straight porn doesnt do anything for him. He also kisses men intimatley and caresses them but no cuddling or relationship stuff outside of sex(like going to hang out and stuff). I am wondering if someone who was a vitim of csa could engage in this type of activity with men and not enjoy it?

#386527 - 02/20/12 07:23 PM Re: csa or orientation? [Re: romancub1]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3857
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Roman,
it is usual thing for someone who was sexually abused to perform activities that are very dangerous. Traumatic experience usually left scar in brain which is fueled with high drive actions (drug abuse, alcohol problems, sex/porn addictions etc). We are not all the same and these activities are not same for all of us. Those include sometimes dangerous sexual behavior like male to male sex (even for someone who's felt like heterosexual), unprotected or sex with completely strangers etc. Hope that you can understand that high drive left as traumatic scar is main force for such behavior. This behavior is compulsive which means that is let say repeatedly happening and in one way against free will of person.
Did I do something like that? - yes.
Was I aware that I was doing something against myself and my free will? - yes.
Did I stopped myself? - no.
Did I enjoyed it? - more no than yes. I've felt more like I'm doing something against my true-self. When desire would show in back of my mind I would not be able to stop myself. And afterwards I was feeling terrible.
Did I looked as I'm enjoining all those "forbidden" activities? - yes.

Now I think that it is not possible to say if your father in law was sexually abused as child by his actions with that bartender (who is also very problematic person by the way). Kissing and all other stuff has nothing to do with it. It doesn't mean that he is at all emotionally involved, for me those are myths (if kisses are there than there is something more involved). But theoretically it is possible for someone who has experienced CSA to behave in such way and at same time to even be heterosexual.
Is that happening with your father in law? - It is not possible to say, no matter how many details we have, we don't know his story and his feelings.
I don't know if this will be helpful to you and I hope that you'll at least talk to your father in law and finally make some action.

My story

#388056 - 03/02/12 04:25 PM Re: csa or orientation? [Re: romancub1]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Men who have sex with other men. Does it really matter if its CSA or Orientation, its what he wants regardless of why? I think some ask that cuz the logical extrapolation is then if they get help with the CSA issues will it change their attraction to men? Or is it their orientation irrespective of the initial CSA?

He is a man who IS having and wants to have more sex with men. He may be hetero at times but by definition there is this part of his libido. Men and woman can act in a sexual way with someone without an actual desire for it. Close your eyes it could be anyone's hand on your genitals. However a frequent urge to be with a specific guy and a positive fantasy goes to an actual orientation.

He will enjoy it at the time, no question. The question you pose is could he not enjoy it? Yes afterwards if the action was driven by desparation, repression, compulsion. There will be guilt and shame cuz it was like something inside him forced him to do it. In other words just random any prick will do kind of thing.

But if the exact same scenario was thought out with a specific guy, he likes or has CHOSEN then this is a different thing. Its done with forsight and thoughtfulness. That is an orientation that is desirable even if kissing or hanging out is not.

I know gay men that do not kiss, its too personal and vulnerable for them. Others have buddies they "play" with but would not dream about going to dinner with. However it looks, Its all just


The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011


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