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#386508 - 02/20/12 05:25 PM Newbie who thinks he deserved it
PeteN Offline

Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 15
Just found this site recently and happy about that. I thought I was mainly the only adult male who had been raped outside of prison. I just want to share my situation and maybe start to deal with it.

I've read some of your stories and am amazed by the different situations guys have found themselves in. I know this may sound odd but I actually envy some of your situations cause I really think I deserved what I got. I know many of you are going to disagree but here's why I think what I do.

I am in a very good marriage with a great lady and we have wonderful kids. I've always had a high libido, though, and went looking for fun outside of my marriage. I thought I had met the perfect girl for fun on the side and arranged it so she and I could spend a night together. How stupid I was!!

It turned out that "she" was several guys who played out some hardcore bdsm fantasies on me. It was pretty terrible, lasted for what seemed like forever and left me beaten and bleeding although, thankfully, nowhere obvious. After my abusers tossed me out exhausted and numb, I had to drag myself to my car and gym to shower and then go home and pretend nothing happened. Obviously, there was no way I was gonna call the cops. I just hid the physical scars and told myself it wasn't a big deal (denial) and to chalk it up as a lesson. I've struggled with some depression since then and have trouble sleeping cause I dream about it. I also drink more than I did.

To make matters worse, I've developed a major sexual interest in S&M sex and forced male-male scenes -- and I was not at all into men prior to this! I find myself wondering and obsession about who these guys were. I try not to think about these things but they pop into my mind. For the sake of my family, I have to deal with this alone and anonymously but I find myself struggling with the emotions and increasingly turned on by risky and kinky sex scenes.

Sorry to go on and on and I'm not looking for sympathy. Just looking to chat from time to time with other guys in similar situations and get this off my chest.

#386510 - 02/20/12 05:39 PM Re: Newbie who thinks he deserved it [Re: PeteN]
Jim1104 Offline

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I cheated on my wife using chat and webcam. I was too scared to meet anyone physically. So, I think that I can say cheating is wrong.

What I disagree with you about is that you deserved what you got. Unless you went looking for bdsm, you were raped! You didn't ask for anyone to do what they did. They raped you!

That is my belief. I applaud you for wanting to deal with the issue and welcome you.



#386521 - 02/20/12 06:34 PM Re: Newbie who thinks he deserved it [Re: Jim1104]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3856
Loc: South-East Europe
Welcome Pete,
Welcome to MS brother!
I'm sorry that you've had such terrible experience. No matter what was your intention you didn't deserve such treatment. You've made mistake not charging those gays, they are bastards that could repeat same thing again. I have to admit that my blood is boiling just by reading your story, I can't understand that somebody could be so violent and treating so badly other human being.
I know that you were feeling that there was too much at steak (your family and wife) but actually it is very usual thing for victims to take all blame to themselves no matter for what reason. That is something common to many survivors and that fact tells us something also about you. Don't be harsh to yourself, you are good and valuable person, you are not guilty for those actions!!!
I have to admit that some parts of your story are triggering for me. I have also fantasies about sex with males and I've felt like I'm forced to think about it against my will. I'm also new here and I've recently started to fight my demons. As other gays use to say healing and recovery is possible but it is long way.
One small recommendation: maybe you could post your story in part of board - Man Abused/Assaulted as Adults? Many of us at MS have been abused as kids and because of that some of brothers survivors that were abused as adults are sometimes felt in minority. Sharing some experience will do good to all of us smile .
Be well!

My story

#386525 - 02/20/12 07:21 PM Re: Newbie who thinks he deserved it [Re: peroperic2009]
MetTY Offline

Registered: 02/19/12
Posts: 12
hi peten,

i have to say that i also believe that cheating is wrong, but no way. i dont believe that you deserved to be raped.

i really wish and hope that you dont rationalize it that way. its simple. its wrong what was done to you.

i understand that you tried to deal wit it urself. i've tried to deal with my affliction for over a decade by myself. constant cycle of feeling okay to depression to feeling homicidal/suicidal, angry sad confused, all things negative u can imagine and think of. i know you will find brothers in this site who u can share your story and feelings and thoughts with complete honesty, like i have.

i hope you heal, no matter how long it takes. believe me when i say there are people here who want to hear your story and care for you. im new here, and ive already been more honest with ppl in here in a day than i have in years with family and friends.

good luck.

#386528 - 02/20/12 07:31 PM Re: Newbie who thinks he deserved it [Re: MetTY]
PeteN Offline

Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 15
Thanks for the comments. It's very helpful to admit these things and talk about them, even if anonymously. Thanks for the suggestion about posting to the adult area. I'll do that. just for the record I did not go looking for a bdsm experience and didn't have any interest in it. Because I've developed an interest, though, I wonder if anyone would ever believe me.

#386534 - 02/20/12 08:31 PM Re: Newbie who thinks he deserved it [Re: PeteN]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma

No matter what the circumstances there is never a time when rape is justified for an attacker nor deserved by the victim. The steps that led up to your assault did not give license to those men to rape you. Self blame and doubt is a common denominator for all rape victims. I say victim not discounting you are a survivor from that night forward. But in order to heal we have to remember that we were victims during the time we were assaulted. Otherwise we hang on to the shame and guilt and do not place it where it belongs. And that is with the criminals who planned, plotted and attacked you.

Wondering about your assailants is very natural and I spent many years wondering about the two stranger who attacked me. You also speak of what changes it caused in you and what things it left you with since then. That is common as well such as depression and changes in our desires sexually. But I am a believer in hope to gain the reins in what we want to keep and change. I still have my shadows and the pull to go back to dangerous encounters. But I have come away from that to where sex is not an Olympic marathon of self destruction and manipulated abuse. The shadows that follow come with the assaults and you are not alone in that.

I do encourage you to seek out treatment if possible. I know you spoke of barriers but please look at them and see if you cannot somehow get around them to see a therapist. If in a metropolitan area you have more resources available to you.

You are right - you are not alone. Keep talking when you feel like it.


Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#386538 - 02/20/12 09:00 PM Re: Newbie who thinks he deserved it [Re: PeteN]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Well PeteN

Welcome to the site and as you said many of us will disagree with you about the deserving it thing.

No one deserves to be raped and violated, no matter what the situation. If it were OK to walk around and just Rape people this world would be one crazy mixed up place.

I hope that as you post and read on the ASA forum you will find tha answers to what you seek.

Welcome to MS

Heal well

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#386554 - 02/20/12 11:08 PM Re: Newbie who thinks he deserved it [Re: whome]
PeteN Offline

Registered: 02/20/12
Posts: 15
Thanks for all the comments, guys. Looking forward to getting to know you and dealing with all this together.

#386593 - 02/21/12 02:37 AM Re: Newbie who thinks he deserved it [Re: PeteN]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA

I am a supporter- not a survivor of CSA. I guess you could say I am a survivor of my husband's acting out with prostitutes and a female family member.

I want to place this deeply within your heart: No matter what your intentions were that night, YOU DID NOT DESERVE TO BE A VICTIM OF RAPE. From my perspective, it would have served my husband right to have been arrested for soliciting a prostitute, but NEVER in a million years would I have felt he deserved to be physically abused as you were. Please, please know you did not deserve this.

As a wife who is supporting a husband who acted out as you intended to, I hope you will become a strong voice on this board. When men turn to the evil side, evil things happen. What happened to you is actually fairly common. Maybe your story could help save a man who is considering acting out with a stranger?

I wish you healing and peace,

P.S. In case you've not thought of it, please be tested for STDs before having unprotected sex with your wife. As horrid a thought as it is, the reality is that you may have been exposed to disease. I feel certain you wouldn't want to jeopardize your wife's health/life.


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#386607 - 02/21/12 03:48 AM Re: Newbie who thinks he deserved it [Re: herowannabe]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4226
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
It's just like "Date Rape" - you got yourself into the situation - BUT that is where YOUR responsibility ends. Sure, you shouldn't have gone there - but you've owned up to that. Yes, you could have avoided the whole situation. That makes it tougher to deal with. 2 separate issues: what you did and what they did. You were under their power - it's not your fault what THEY did.

Cut yourself some slack, man. Just deal with what you can - when you can.

And remember - you are not alone. You've got support here. But it would also help HUGELY if you can see a professional. Check into the availability of local resources. Maybe someone here can help you find a referral.


Edited by traveler (02/21/12 03:49 AM)
Edit Reason: typo
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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