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#386353 - 02/19/12 04:28 AM kid in my class
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Posted this in Male survivors - but with more emphasis on my feelings as a survivor myself - thought maybe it would be good to get F & F input too - more on how to help a teen who seems to be in denial:

... wed i read on another thread - too tired to look it up - about a threrapist who said that nearly all kids who do cutting have a history of abuse. I have a kid in my class that i thought of immediately and it was liek a stab to the heart.

Great guy - liked by everyone, talented, handsome, easygoing, friendly, etc... but he has lots of scars on both arms and doesn't even try to hid them and now has a big bandage and stitches. we have a pretty good rapport. I asked him to stay after class about an assignment and then told him wht i'd read. then i asked him point-blank - has anyone ever messed with you in any way? he said no. i asked again - i understand if you're embarassed - told him it could be other kinds of abuse - emotional, physical, verbal - that i'd been there and didn't want him to waste years of his life and then have it come back to bite him - like me. he needs to deal with it and get help. he said no again. told him whatever the issues he's struggling with - there is help available. don't try to do it alone. let him go, still denying...

Next day he was sick - parents came in to get assignments and becaus i told them i had another matter to discuss. Good talk - over an hour. they are aware f the problem - have him under prof care weekly and meds and lots more. they don't know what the root cause is - i believe them. they were glad someone else at school is aware and cares. sad case - really want to help - feel terrible bout it but cant do more than i have...

positive thoughts, suggestions, and prayers welcome - for BOTH of us!!!
lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#386411 - 02/19/12 01:01 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Whew...what a load this boy is carrying.

I think you've planted a strong seed, Lee. Maybe working in concert with the parents will provide this boy with the vision that a life-preserver is bobbing near enough for him to reach?

I have faith in you, in your wisdom, compassion and love for others. I know you will know what to do in moving forward. And this boy will benefit greatly from having what so many survivors didn't have: someone who notices his pain and is determined to pull him to safety.

What a blessing you are!

herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386441 - 02/19/12 07:43 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: herowannabe]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA


Edited by pufferfish (02/19/12 07:47 PM)

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#386483 - 02/20/12 04:46 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: pufferfish]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Thanks. If it's not sexual abuse, it's still gotta be some heavy trauma...

Needed this 3-day weekend to recover. Back to the battle on Tues. We've been covering pretty grim stuff in American Lit and between me and the Health teacher, we're keeping the school counsellor busy with referrals. Thank God for that lady!

Lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#386505 - 02/20/12 12:01 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 240
Thank you for caring... maybe just maybe he might come to you.


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#386506 - 02/20/12 12:06 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: Gretta]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Lee-

I wonder if the boy's denial of abuse could be that he's developed DID and the knowledge of the abuse is held within an alternative personality???

I have NO clue how you help with THAT, but the thought struck me, and so I'm sharing it with you.


Carry On and Remain Beautiful!
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386797 - 02/22/12 08:47 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: herowannabe]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
I had to address the suicide issue again today because i handed back the assignment about the suicide poem from the day i couldn't handle it and gave them work to do on their own.

I stressed the fact that it is a myth that you shouldn't ask a depressed person if they are thinking about it because you will suggest it to them. Told them it was better to ask and then help them get help if they need it. At our school it is readily accessible because we have a counselor that the kids love and who has taught most of them. Told them i have seen a counselor about my "friend" who is gone and that it really helped me deal with it. Told them that they could save a life by not keeping secrets.

While i was saying this, the boy whose cutting has concerned me put his head down on his desk. He wouldn't look at me. I have a feeling another conversation is in our near future.

(Hero: His parents said there are other things going on such as OCD and more. I'll ask about the DID.)

If you are a person who believes in prayer, now would be a good time. If you think positive energy or thoughts are helpful, that's welcome, too...

Thanks,
Lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#386830 - 02/22/12 06:34 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Prayers fervently going this boy's way!

Thanks, Lee, for allowing God to use you to bring help to this boy!

Speak, Lord! Your servant, Lee, is listening!!!

Hugs-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#386991 - 02/23/12 10:29 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: herowannabe]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Well, if I put myself in his shoes, which isn't too hard to do, he doesn't feel safe telling you, that it would make something better. It feels safer to be alone. I kind of grew up that way never feeling anyone was safe. So you have to grow the connection you have I guess. My parents were really good at appearances, in public one way, privately another, so I wonder about his. I think you can't know for sure what's going on there.

I guess I'd keep talking and just let him listen and watch for how it develops. Even if he never opens up, your concern is visible and that's huge. He'll remember that forever. It's got to be hard for you.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#387020 - 02/24/12 03:17 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: LandOfShadow]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Can's say much more except to remain available to him. Your a wonderful man Lee. You really are.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#388220 - 03/04/12 04:25 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: Jim1104]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
Fri nite was a big event - my drama class performed for the public - mostly friends and family and students - but a full house. It was a great success - the kids did a superb job and i was so proud. The boy I have been concerned about was the male lead. He did so well and i am hoping this will help boost his morale and self-image. Everybody loves him - he's just the "perfect" young man on the surface. Shows what a great actor he really is... i think that's one of the reasons i identify with him so deeply.

Lee

_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#388259 - 03/04/12 12:37 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3786
Loc: South-East Europe
This is wonderful news Lee,
You are doing great job, you are awesome but we've known already that fact.
Giving attention and support would be very helpful to that kid!
I wish I've had such teacher smile .
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#388271 - 03/04/12 04:10 PM . [Re: peroperic2009]
ALovingMum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 51
.

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#432743 - 04/28/13 12:26 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
this is an old thread - but i just learned of an appendix to the story - unfortunately.

the boy i was concerned about graduated and has moved on. i now have his ex-girlfriend, who is a year younger, in my classes. i now know that while he was in the relationship with her he was abusing her in various ways.

it hurts so badly to know that. i hurt for her - and for him. i am now more convinced than ever that he was also a victim. maybe i gave up too soon. or maybe his parents should have been more nosy. i don't know. i did what i though was right at the time. but i guess it wasn't enough.

moral of the story - trust your instincts.
Lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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#432901 - 04/29/13 06:09 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
Airmid Offline


Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
That's sad to hear, Lee, but I'm so glad you planted the seed that others see and do care. So many victims and survivors are seen and revictimized by being ignored, and you didn't do that. You're awesome!

If all he knows is what he does, then perpetuating DV seems rational in his mind, as does the cutting. I hope your seed grows and he strengthens throughout the next few years and seeks out someone he trusts to get help.

I wish my guy had had an educator like you in his life.

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#433435 - 05/03/13 09:38 PM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 384
I just read this thread and I was sorry to hear the update. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself though. There is nothing more you could have done. You can't force someone to tell. But I just wanted to say there are lots of reasons people self harm. Not just abuse. I did read recently that people who were abused were 4 times more likely to self harm than people who haven't been, but I've seen other studies that showed that a large percentage of self harmers haven't been abused.

I know people who have done it for a whole lot of different reasons, like bullying, stress, depression, for attention (people look at that really harshly, but I don't see what's so wrong with wanting someone to pay attention to you. You must be really lonely and desperate if that's the only thing you can think of to do to get some attention.) Some girl I knew started because this guy broke up with her, to guilt him into getting back together with her. I know quite a few people who have used it to manipulate people they are in a relationship with.

I guess I am about the same age as the guy you were trying to help. I'm not sure but I think I probably would have denied everything if a teacher asked me directly. It's weird to me that he would let people see his scars though. Most people try really hard to keep them hidden. I guess he was trying to say something by showing them. But you shouldn't feel bad, you really did everything you could.

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#433454 - 05/04/13 12:31 AM Re: kid in my class [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3959
Loc: settling in the USA again
thank you, txb.

it does help - coming from your perspective.

lee
_________________________
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

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