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#386412 - 02/19/12 01:02 PM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: Anthony39]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
Ps. Who do you think you are to tell and pretend to know how I feel and what I can or cannot say.

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Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#386431 - 02/19/12 06:37 PM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: Anthony39]
alone Offline


Registered: 03/05/09
Posts: 62
.



Edited by alone (02/21/12 12:22 AM)
Edit Reason: tired

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#386497 - 02/20/12 10:22 AM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: Anthony39]
Mikey7752 Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 16
Loc: PA
Anthony, I am trying to understand your feelings. As was just posted by Alone, I believe he speaks for me as well.
You posted a question: P.S. Who am I to question your feelings? I am a survivor as you are. I am not questioning your feelings as feelings are not right or wrong, they are just feelings.
As far as my scars; I am a survivor of mother-son incest from age 2 to age 11.I was also systematically tortured on a regular basis. I am happy to be ALIVE.
So, who am I; just another survivor with very strong feelings!
My goal is to help, assist and encourage ALL SURVIVORS regardless of their issues. Please do not take this response as a personal attack, it is not.The forum is for all male survivors regardless of their issues and deep dark secrets.
Best of luck to you in your recovery, although our experiences were different, the results are the same!



Edited by Mikey7752 (02/20/12 10:41 AM)

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#386501 - 02/20/12 10:59 AM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: Mikey7752]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
DH- I salute and am grateful for your bravery posting this topic.

SA affected me in many ways- it imprinted images and ideas and feelings that I would not have picked up- it took me years to finally stop the sexual acting out that mirrored the abuse and reclaim my authentic sexuality underneath. When I stopped feeding those old things and habits, the real me showed up.

I hope MS will Continue to be safe and supportive and they men here will share their struggles and problems without feeling judged or condemned.

Again, thanks for your courage.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#386543 - 02/20/12 04:41 PM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: Anthony39]
Chase Eric Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2442
Originally Posted By: DarkHadou
It most likely has to do with the abuse, but it's nothing negative to me, I like being attracted to them.

I think if I had any issue it would come down to this statement. It is really close to essentially saying it is OK to feel this way. I think, reading a lot of the responses in this thread, that's really the issue for most of us - setting up a lot of conflicting feelings among the members that are all coming essentially from the same place. If you had these feelings but didn't seem so "OK" with them, I don't think it would be such a dilemma for us.

When I was a small boy and abused, that is pretty much the attitude my abuser took. He took it just a step further and acted on those desires. So it isn't easy for me to welcome you with a big smile and open arms just because of that, and I suspect there will be variable attitudes in here - all entirely approriate - based on the varied experiences we've had.

I think this IS a place for everyone who wants to heal from ANY of the effects of SA. Many of us were sexualized at a very early age, and inappropriate attractions are certainly among the demons we all have been forced to deal with. So I don't think you are alone. But there IS a requisite attitude I think we ALL have to embrace when we enter MS - a sincere desire to grow and heal. This place doesn't really care who we are, but it should care what our motives are...

The quote at the head of my post suggests to me that you have no such willingness to change, which begs the question of why you are here. Nowhere in your post did you ask for help or really do anything but state your desires.

When you are really willing to change, I don't think you'll find a more helpful, understanding group anywhere. I for one would not shun you for such proclivities. But I do question your motives at this time. More importantly than me, however, is that YOU should question your motives. Do you really enjoy the attraction to small kids - and apart from all the social judgment crap - do you really "like being attracted to them"? If you do, then you need to really question why you are here. If, after careful introspection you find you really hate being attracted to them, then you'd be a fool not to join MS and avail yourself of the resources here.

I have no attraction to little kids. But I am not judgmental over those who do. I don't consider myself better or worse - just thankful I didn't have to fight THAT demon. I have nephs and nieces. And if support from MS kept potential abusers away from those kids, then hell, I'm all over that. I've said it before - child abuse is like cancer in that you can berate it and scream at it all you want, but when you are done with the self-indulgent rants, the disease is still there. Intelligent address, therapy, peer support and an overriding true inner desire to change are the only answers.

_________________________

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#386551 - 02/20/12 05:50 PM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: Chase Eric]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
--------------might be triggering--------------


i have the impression the reason this post is so controvesial is that more than one here have dealt with this issue at some point in their lives. I have had many issues myself. I really believe my view of sex, relationships, boundaries and feelings is completely fucked up. I'll be honest and I will talk about myself as an example (not trying to hijack this post) in my case, I identify myself as straight and I'm grossed out by the idea of being with a male (despite the large number of men i've been with including the csa) I like women, I think I would like a woman as a partner... not only for sex-related things..However, when i'm with a woman I feel I am abusing her (I have never remotely forced any woman, it just feels that way) I was forced by my abusers to abuse girls my age and younger and I know that on the surface but deep inside I feel and know I was the only one there abusing them, I was the one they were looking at. For some reason that feeling was transmited to women in general. When I say I like women I feel as guilty as you when you say you like preteens... but at the same time i feel i dont have to feel guilty because i dont have bad intentions or any will of do any harm.. and i feel you feel this way too. This...crap we have inside is the result of the abuse.

Two: And this is a hard confession to make, I also have some issues with children. I can't say it is attraction and it isn't even about the child itself. It's some form of ... reflection of myself at that age. I still find extremely arousing the idea of my dad and me when I was younger than 10. I got stuck there, I sometimes look for older men to ...flirt with them, to make them want me, to make them confused about me, about who i am, a friend, a lost son, a horny bastard... to run away before something too compromising happens(and i do all this despite how much i am disgusted by the idea) and i do it just to feel i am back in that time. Sometimes when I see a little boy I see myself reflected and feel that kind of .. attraction? it is not attraction but i will use that word for lack of a better one.

Reading what you said I figured it is not the boy i am attracted? to, but the idea of the boy (who was me at some point) and some adult sexual partner.. who is not me, i AM the boy, not the adult. And I know it sounds sick.

does that mean we are at risk of becoming perps? I can't talk for everyone, for me at least, the idea of actually being with a kid repels me, but i can't say i hate flying to those places in my mind. I think my experiences ruined my sense of right and wrong and it probably happens to a lot of us.

You know, my dad, he was attracted to young children too and he didn't think that was wrong and I could list you the 40 reasons why it wasn't wrong, because he made me memorize them...but he did think having sex with me every night was absolutely wrong. He apologized, cried and said he wanted to stop. but it was too late. there is a high risk and i wish you could see what the risk is. Try to think about it.

what all this shit means is that i think is not as simple as "i was abused, now i am interested in children and i will abuse them". I think it's very complicated and I think a lot of people has had this issue, more than they are willing to admit. I'd like to ask everyone here how many of you have secret desires you are embarrased of, that make you hate yourself for even think about them? I have many. Don't kill this guy for being honest.




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#386604 - 02/20/12 10:33 PM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
i think when people see "i'm attracted to kids" they comprehend it is "i am a pedophile who is actively raping a child right now at the keyboard as i type this"

it inspires a knee-jerk reaction

i personally do not think there is anything wrong with any form of desire or attraction because it would be a lie if anyone here has said they have never entertained the idea. of course everybody has, because that is the nature of free-association of thought. you get abused, of course you think about what would happen if you abused.

for some that turns into submission a la daniel_forgotten who admits he is aroused by himself being hurt as a young boy (which is not wrong, or weird, merely a result of the fucked up wiring which happens in the brain as a result of being sexualized too young) or it can turn into attraction toward others, which is often an expression of the abuse in your past even subconsciously

(the patterns were laid there by the abuse, your brain has adopted them, it's like a cold virus giving you the cold, the virus replicates, it isn't the infected cell's fault - but they can still give you a cold and they can still pass it on)

anyway, so then you think well does attraction automatically lead to action? that is the main question.

does it lead to action? i don't think it does. there are things people desire and want every day, but that they do not go out and do out of whatever morality they possess. i would encourage you to figure out why you have this attraction, and i would encourage you to figure out what you are going to do with it.

because it is not wrong to have an attraction, it's just wrong to have an attraction you can't deal with which might result in action. for example, on this board, it's against the rules to say "i'm going to kill myself" i assume as it would be to say "i'm going to rape a kid" or "i'm going to kill someone else", those topics would likely get censured.

now, for the first one, being suicidal one could argue suicide is less ethically violating than rape or murder, though i am sure there are many arguments for it - feeling suicidal isn't wrong, right? but going around saying "i am so suicidal, i love death, i love suicide, i watch people jumping off buildings all day long, la la la la" it's not very productive, is it? you're not managing that desire which you cannot act on.

you're indulging it. the desire isn't wrong, but how you handle it certainly can be. i think the blase attitude you have toward it is what people are objecting to in terms of this thread being so controversial, and not the fact that you have the desire yourself. it's like the difference between discussing suicide and making a suicide threat or indulging suicidal whims - which are not healthy to this community.

so seeing you basically indulging pedophilia in your mind, to this community, triggers the knee-jerk response, because it feels like if you honestly don't care, you probably won't care if you ever look at child porn or if you ever eventually get the nerve to talk to a kid or even if you decide screw it, and rape a kid. that's basically what people see.

it isn't really much to do with the attraction or the desire at all. i have wanted to walk off the ledge of a building since i was 4 years old, but obviously i am still here and i am still around and i don't have any plans to indulge that - and i'm trying to get clean and get healthy and am posting on here and stuff - so people can see for the most part i am sincere and i am managing my desire reasonably well.

if i came here and said "i have the urge to rape kids and i have since i was a kid as well, but i am going to therapy and i am going into the abuse and i am working on all of this and i limit my contact with any children and i check in to a program and i do all this other crap" (there is assistance out there, it's been linked) - i am sure people would have much less of a problem with it.


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#386610 - 02/20/12 11:27 PM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: limit]
Chase Eric Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2442
Very interesting responses by Daniel and Limit (good to see you back by the way!) - I felt compelled to add a little more comment...

When I was being molested at 12, my sister was also being molested and she was 7. It was the same perp - the older boy next door - he went after me and most of the 7-8 year old girls in the neighborhood. I was so upset by what I was witnessing - him doing that to those little girls - that I essentially offered myself up to him in their place whenever I could - he had a weakness for me for some reason - even though I was a boy and he liked girls. I remember thinking once I distracted him away from the girls I could then manipulate him away from sex and into something like biking or swimming - but I always found myself on the wrong end of his penis no matter how much I tried. My friendship with him started with me idolizing him like a big brother, but when he started in on me and the girls, that idolatry turned to hate. At first I wanted to be like him - but when the sex thing started I wanted to be anything BUT like him.

So - like Daniel - I embraced my role as victim, probably in part because in my simple child's black-and-white perspective, there were victims and there were molesters, and if I had to make a choice, I'd NEVER choose to be a molester. So like Daniel, I inverted everything.

I often wonder if I made a choice then and there that ensured I would not become a perp. Frankly, I don't think anything like that ever was in me, but I embraced my receptive role as if letting go of it would see me fall to a bottomless pit of darkness and evil.

That's why I don't judge ANYONE here (at least I try very hard not to).

As far as Limit, I think you are right on the mark about the knee-jerk reactions. When my perp was caught, it was all about the knee-jerk anger of the parents. Us kids never were given treatment or help or anything - we just saw the adults self indulge in rage and righteous indignation. It scared the crap out of me. I didn't understand the sexual dynamics I was in. I didn't even understand what sex was. And I didn't understand why that tickling sensation was so pleasurable - the incredible urge to relieve that itch, that ultimately assigned to me a feeling of guilt and complicity, and ensured I kept his secrets both with me and the girls.

If the knee-jerk reactions instead were measured steps to TREAT our molester, it wouldn't have continued for months after that. If this guy had gotten real help and guidance rather than a tidal wave of anger, it might have saved me multiple episodes of abuse. If the parents stopped indulging in anger and opened their eyes, they may have discovered the countless victims that they never knew about - including me and my sister.

I still maintain that accepting a predilection to children is wrong. That's not a judgment - being a pedophile is not a right or wrong thing, it is not a moral thing. It is just a socio-sexual dead-end that leads to loneliness and frustration for the person feeling it, or victimization for others if he acts on it. It is an unsustainable way to live a healthy life.



Edited by Chase Eric (02/21/12 10:00 AM)
Edit Reason: Reworded for better grammar and clarity
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#386617 - 02/21/12 01:52 AM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: Chase Eric]
limit Offline


Registered: 04/23/11
Posts: 131
Quote:
I still maintain that accepting a predilection to children is wrong.


just like accepting a predilection to suicide is wrong for exactly the same stated reasons. but people who have suicidal urges are not committing an ethical offense, they just have urges and thoughts.

no thought or urge is wrong, it is the surrounding ripples that occur with the action that a thought or urge might inspire. i think a hundred million different things a day. just because you think about something people consider ethically wrong doesn't make you wrong.

i wish people would stop considering thoughts and urges as the be all and end all of everything and start looking at how they actually manage those thoughts and urges and how they deal with them and how they affect their lives.

if people were more interested in how a pedophile coped with being a pedophile instead of how wrong a pedophile was for thinking about sex with kids (as if any human being is the moral fucking police who can choose what is right and wrong to think about, get over yourselves~), we would probably have a lot less issues.

so i essentially agree with chase eric, but i don't agree that thoughts/opinions/feelings/subjective interpretations are wrong. i think that there are wrong choices.


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#386620 - 02/21/12 02:16 AM Re: I'm attracted to preteens [Re: limit]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Well stated Limit. Glad you are back hope to talk to you soon. Mike


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