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#386127 - 02/17/12 03:04 AM PUSH
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
"I don't want you to feel the pressure I'm actually applying."

That is the sentence I used with my husband to address his idling in his recovery.

I don't know how to be anything but honest. I don't have the energy to manipulate anyone, let alone him. So I just told him my intentions. And today I was having second thoughts about how I pushed, even though in my mind it was quite gingerly and kind of necessary.

I hear the guys on the board say, "we have to go at our own pace, we cant heal til we are ready, etc." And oh how I wish he had the luxury of it happening at a time that he arrived at himself. But i fear he doesn't. I believe (and it took me months to believe it) that he wants me, our family, our life that we have built together.He has done so much to prove that to me. I see it. But I fear that if he stands still, he will be overtaken by forces that he is currently ill-equipped to deal with. If he were reading voraciously, or talking on this board, or any one particular thing, I'd convince myself that "well, maybe". He told me yesterday that he made an appointment with his therapist for next week. I'm hoping that even if he's just going because of my pressure that there will be enough of a breakthrough to make him desire wholeness enough to work for it. I've heard some rants against therapy and having had an ill equipped therapist myself I know it can be true, but I believe there is something to be said for having a trained professional, who is not emotionally invested in you, to point out with you using the examples you provide how what happened to you, correlates to what is happening with you.

I'd love to hear from survivors who were pushed-and rebelled. And those that were pushed and are grateful.

Wife of a survivor

#386132 - 02/17/12 03:43 AM Re: PUSH [Re: GoodHope]
traveler Online   confused

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4227
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Male survivor here -
Was pushed - Am grateful.

At the time i was on a long slow downward slide and couldn't see any way out or any way to stop the descent. I was comfortable in the misery i had become accustomed to. It was preferable to the fear of the unknown - what would happen if I took a chance on changing the precarious balance i had achieved. To quote Hamlet:"But that the fear of something.... makes us rather bear those ills we have, than fly to others that we know not of..."

My wife insisted that i get professional help and promised to stand by me. I was humiliated. I was devastated. I was petrified with fear. But I was grateful that she cared that much about us and about ME to push me when i needed it and do the hard work with me.


How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#386136 - 02/17/12 04:27 AM Re: PUSH [Re: traveler]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2615
Loc: Central PA
I wasn't pushed by anyone but my own desire to be the man I feltmy wife deserved. What I do know though about me, is that had my wife pushed, I would have shut down and pulled Even farther away.

I think for some the preassure is needed for one reason or another. There was a point that I believed my wife and children truly would be better off without me. It was the closest I ever was to killing myself. Strangely it wasn't about the pain, or wanting an out, it was about truly believing that I was utterly worthless filth and that my children were better off without me, and that my wife would befree to find a decent man like she deserved.

Not sure where all that came from or if it even all applies.

But on terms of seeing a T, if he/she has a clue about male cs's, it's totally worth it. I saw a T for 2 years.

#386184 - 02/17/12 08:50 PM Re: PUSH [Re: GoodHope]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Goodhope.

I know that this is a tough one. I also know that you are anxious for the H to get on with recovery.
If he has been working hard at it, he might be a little overwhelmed, It might call for a bit of a break from the energy sapping work of recovery.
But there is a fine line between a break and giving up.
I know that there where times when I needed a break, and after a sabbatical of a week or two, the side kick would start asking questions as to what I was doing in recovery now.

What I am saying is that there are breaks and then there are B....R....E....A....K....S. Perhaps a little encouragement will get him of the B....R....E....A....K.... and back onto the recovery path

Heal well

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#386210 - 02/18/12 03:42 AM Re: PUSH [Re: whome]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
Thank you gentlemen, Your thoughtful consideration means the world to me. I need to hear alternate experiences and perspectives. I hear Martin loud and clear but I'm pretty sure this was not "i need a break to recover from the hard work I'm doing with therapy" this was, "things are going good at home I think she might not notice/care if I don't go back as long as I can keep things like this at home."

I thought about the pushing, I really did. I told him, i hated pushing but the stakes are to high. I told him, I can't not say anything when I know the damage that awaits our family. I've asked him if he doesn't want to get well, to tell me. As mean as it sounds, it might even be a relief to know what the end looks like, because that would be the end of us (which I know is why he won't say it). I understand that digging into his childhood rape is probably the most difficult thing he has done/will ever do and it might be easier to just do nothing. He said easier, but not better and he wants better. I've said my piece. I feel better. It felt awful to say nothing just waiting for him to fall. Cruel. He still may fall, but I want to be able to say I did everything I knew how to do to help him to help us. I want the best for him and for us.

Wife of a survivor


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